One Week

In seven days, I will be on my way to Beautiful Gate.

My suitcases are filling up, goodbyes are being said. It's real now.

It's a weird reality at this point. I have been longing to go to Beautiful Gate since I was 12, and I have been preparing for this for such a long time. And yet, as much as I feel ready, I don't really know what I am ready for. There is no telling of what will meet me in Lesotho. I'm sure my heart will be broken and I will grow and be stretched in ways unimaginable, but there isn't much that is concrete. All that I know about my life and my future right now is that I am going. Beyond that, I have no clue. In part, that is really really exciting. But it also comes with it's uncertainties. I cannot wait to see the Lord's story unfold in my life, but at the same time I wish I could see a little further down the road. I trust that His will is perfect and beautiful, but my humanness wants to plan and have a safety net. I suppose I will have to learn to surrender that one...

Thank you to everyone who has supported me, whether in word, prayer, or financial contribution. I am blessed to say that my trip is fully funded! I knew God was generous and faithful and trustworthy, but I am truly blown away by how He has used people from so many circles of my life to get me to this point. I am humbled and comforted to know that this is not my trip, but this is something that God planned long ago and has always had in the palm of His hand. 

Excitement is building, and though there are moments of doubt, anxiety, and sadness, I know this is what God would desire for this time in my life. I would love prayers for strength, peace, courage, and of course travelling safety. This week will go fast and is bound to be a whirlwind of emotions, so prayers are much appreciated.

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20–21)

Be Still

We tiptoed through the snowy pavement and quickly slunk down deep into the hot tub. As our toes thawed and our bodies relaxed, we talked about a million different things. 

We talked about how school was going for her, how work was going for me. We talked about the trip, my excitement and fears.

I told her I was starting to get anxious, that I haven't been sleeping as well. I couldn't put words to it all, but as the realization of only one month left at home became more real, my heart began to ache at the thought of saying goodbye.

The jets turned off, and we were left with an uncomfortable quiet. Just before she went to turn them back on, I told her, "Wait. Just embrace the silence for a second."

That second turned into 15 minutes of the deepest calm I have ever experienced. It was as if I was looking into a movie set, a live picture that wasn't actually the real world. Huge snowflakes floated down without a sound, and the streetlight from the park softly lit the towering pinetree in the backyard. There was nothing to be heard, not even my own breath. The silence flooded my ears, flooded my soul. And my mind kept going back to one thing, "Be still and know that I am God." My heartbeat slowed, my eyes closed, and there was a hush that can only be compared to the world's sigh of relief. 

The soft noise of wheels on wet pavement reminded me that time hadn't stopped, that life was continuing beyond that backyard. I opened my eyes to see that the snowflakes had become even larger and fell at a slow-motion pace. I gently rocked back and forth in the warm water and watched the steam meet the snowflakes, shrinking them down until they disappeared.

We are often told to sit in silence and listen for God. We are often told to be still. My attempts have never been very successful. My mind turns too fast and there are too many distractions.

But this time, God chose the moment. He provided the calm. It wasn't something I could have created myself, and it wasn't a moment of epiphany either. But what it did do was quiet my soul. Like Psalm 131 says, "Oh Lord, my heart is not proud. My eyes are not haughty. I do not concern myself with matters too great or too marvelous for me. But, I have quieted and calmed my soul. Like a weened child with its mother, like a weened child is my soul within me. Oh beloved, put your hope in The Lord, both now and forevermore."

He erased my fears. He melted away my anxiousness. 

I have 30 days left in Holland. I know it is going to go way faster than I want. But The Lord is good, and The Lord is sovereign. He satisfies me in the morning with His unfailing love, and He calms and quiets my soul. I cannot wait to see how He continues to work and move in my heart throughout these next 6 months.

"For The Lord is good, and His love endures forever."

Why I'm Not Going to College

In my decision making process in high school, I wrestled a lot with knowing what God's will was.

The world says I need to go to college to have a degree to have a job to have security. I heard countless scenarios of why I need to go to college... 

"You will be more hireable if you have a degree." 

"You will get paid more with a degree." 

"Even if you just want to be a mom, your husband might die and you will need to support yourself." 

"You will be more qualified." 

Everything. I just heard everything.

And from the world's perspective, they were all right. I should go to college. That's the next best step after high school. But something kept telling me they were wrong. I tried to satisfy both sides; I thought about doing YWAM, a six month missions school. I thought about going to Moody for missions. I looked into a lot of things that would satisfy both the world's desires and my heart's deepest desires, but it still didn't sit quite right with me.

Every argument for me (me, not necessarily everyone else) going to college came down to having money. More money for a more comfortable, secure life. It all had to fit into an American box that is padded and air conditioned. But what I read today struck a heartstring and put to words what I couldn't express.

“But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ I’m confident that God will take care of me.”

Now, this was in the context of materialism and the story of the young rich man in the Bible, but nonetheless, it rings true to my heart.

I want to serve The Lord. I don't know what that is going to look like 10 years down the road or even 1 year down the road, but that is my desire. I don't really want a 9-5 job. I don't want to have to squeeze God into my field, I want the spreading of His kingdom to be my field. I doubt that God will be disappointed that I didn't get a higher degree, or a degree at all if that's what it comes to.

I might end up in college. There are some things you have to go to college for, like being a teacher, doctor, nurse, pilot, etc. but I will not be going to college for material gain, for worldly success, for earthly comfort or security. No, that is far from my goal. If I go, it will be for the advancement of His kingdom.

To my friends in college, study hard. Be a kingdom of priests, holy and set apart that those around you might see very clearly that you are working for something greater than yourselves.

To my friends looking into college, pray a lot. God could be calling you to something far greater than that padded, air conditioned box. And He can definitely use college as a part of His grand plan, but it is also very possible that He might not. So pray about it.

To my friends far beyond college, continue to look at your life and ask yourself what you are doing. Are you comfortable? Comfortable to a fault? Is your heart aching for something bigger? Your padded box may be really great, in fact I am sure it is, but does it really matter? Does your life truly look any different than your unbelieving neighbor?

Don't wait to follow God. Don't try to fit your life into that padded box, because chances are, God's plans are infinitely bigger than what would ever fit into the box. And shoots, that can be scary because it might be really hard and uncomfortable, but guys. If it is God's huge box you are living in, I promise it will be the most beautiful, fulfilling, rewarding life you could ever imagine. 

Our sermon Sunday morning really hit home with me as well. John talked about treasures in heaven and said, "Whatever you give to Christ, whether that is your time, money, resources, energy...Whatever you give to Him is immediately touched with immortality; it stretches into eternity." Friends this world is not our home. Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us that God has set eternity in the heart of man. Heaven is where we belong. Heaven is where our true citizenship lies. So don't be afraid to live that way! This world has nothing to offer you. You don't have to satisfy the world's desires. So whatever you do, may it be for what lies beyond this sin-ridden place.

Trust Him. His box may seem more daunting, but what safer place to be than in the center of His perfect will?

I Don't Have An Answer

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. This post might not make a ton of sense as a result, but I will do my best.

I'm reading a book called Radical by David Platt. I picked it up at just the right time. As I am drawing closer to January 6, my heart has been getting more and more distracted. Though God has blessed me with the time to simply dwell in His presence, I have been filling my time with fleeting things... 

New thought: I have come to realize that I hate disappointing people. I want to please them and make people happy, and when I cannot do that, I feel really awful about myself. Upon experiening this recently, I was convicted by the Spirit. Shootskies...that's the worst. It was brought to my attention that I had been disappointing God. I had put Him on the backburner and let him become the after-thought instead of my every thought. Though I know He gave me this semester to prepare my heart, I have let my heart become delighted in things apart from Him. And the bugger is, I wasn't feeling bad about it. So the nudge came from the Spirit, and I was feeling like too much light was being shed on my wrongs. I prayed about it two days ago and asked that He would renew my passion and love for His Word. I laid out my sins before Him, and what I received back was the beautiful reminder He gave His people Israel in the book of Jeremiah in the midst of their sin. In chapter 30, He revealed their sin and desparate need for Him. In chapter 31, He told them, "I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness with you." Hokety toots what a good God we serve. Though He despises sin, His faithfulness cannot fail and His love cannot be diminished, for the price of my blackened heart has been paid in full.

Yesterday, I picked up Radical. I have only read the first four chapters, but in those chapters, I have been reminded of why I am going to Beautiful Gate. I have been reminded of the power of God, the whole-hearted devotion He deserves, His mission for creation, and my part in it. After asking for a renewal of passion, God plopped this book in my lap a day later. Thankfully He answered me quickly (: So here are some thoughts and questions I have after reading just a sliver of this book...

The gift I have of salvation is worth everything. Everything. Do I get that? Am I willing to give up everything to buy that field where I found the treasure? Is the faith I have worth dying for? My answer to all of those things is probably no. This faith we have in the US is so safe. There is no risk in being a Christian, or at least the way we live as Christians. Yet Christians around the world and throughout history have danced to their deaths with singing, because they understood that there is so much more to life than what we have here. To be persecuted for Christ is a joy. To give Him everything brings the greatest reward of all. So what do I need to do to make it my life? What does living dangerously for The Lord look like? I don't know have an answer...I'm still searching.

I have at least 15 Bibles in my home right now. 15. And hokey toots, that is the living, breathing, perfect, holy word of a sovereign, powerful, mighty, awesome, omnipotent God. And I have fifteen copies of it!! Why do I waste so much time doing meaningless things when I can sit and listen to GOD?! He has written this beautiful book of love and salvation and justice and mercy, and yet picking it up seems like a chore at times. Why? WHY?! God, the creator of the universe, the one who was and is and is to come has given me 66 books of Himself. Why do I lack the hunger and thirst that so many others all over the world have? I don't have the answer...I'm still searching.

We very rarely have to depend solely on God. We always have a back up plan. Yes, there are times when we are stripped of that, but for the most part, we can live each day without truly needing God to provide for us in some way or another. I don't think I like that. In our weakness, we are made strong. And God is given the glory. So why do I try to do everything myself? If I would just live in dependence on Him, I would feel far richer and God would become far greater in my life. And people would see Him too, because it would be evident that I couldn't possibly survive without Him. Why don't I let Him prove His might? I don't have the answer...I'm still searching.

"Go and make disciples of all nations." That is a command. To everyone. Everyone is called to global missions. Everyone has been given the task of bringing Heaven to earth. And that doesn't mean we all need to go far away, but so often we make the excuse that we can do missions "right where God has you" and we don't do anything whatsoever. If God is calling you to make a difference in West Michigan, than make a difference in West Michigan!!! But that difference can still be global. And it should be. His heart reaches to the ends of the earth, and if it is no longer I who live, but Christ in me, than my heart should reach to the ends of the earth as well, even if that means I am reaching out without going out. There are so many things we should be doing. And we aren't. Why not?? I don't have the answer...I'm still searching.

Well, this post has become far longer than I intended, but those are just a few of the things on my mind. So my challenge to you (and to myself as well) is to seek out some answers. Ask yourself some hard questions and let the Spirit confront you. The worst that will happen is that your heart will be molded to be more like His.

Is your faith worth literally everything to you?

Is the Word of God like honey on your lips? Do you hunger and thirst for the knowledge of Him?

Do you live in a way that makes God greater and you less? Do you rely on Him?

Is your heart reaching to the ends of the earth?

As always, I deeply cherish your prayers. 

Much love,

Gracie

A Date

Well friends, I officially have a date of departure!!

January 6, 2014. 104 days from now.

Hokey toots.

I have a weird mix of emotions right now. The first is excitement. I have been waiting for that date since 7th grade. The second is sadness. A hundred and four days doesn't seem like that much longer to be with all the people that I love. The third is a big ole question mark. It doesn't even seem real. And although having an actual date makes it a ton more real, the actual idea still seems a bit foreign. I don't think it will really settle in until I start packing.

Here are a few praises and prayer requests until next time...

1. As an update of praise, I got the job at Little People's Place! (: I started last week and it has been going really well. Yay God!

2. Brooks gets to come on the trip with the Haven team!! We had been praying about that for quite awhile and are really really excited that God has opened those doors for him and for us as a couple. A follow up request after that praise is just for finances to come together for him as well.

3. And again, I just ask for prayers for a heart of readiness. I don't know what that means to be honest, but I know it is a good thing to pray. I have more free time now, so I want to be using that time to seek after the Lord's heart and prepare my own for what lies ahead.

Friends, this next step is getting closer and closer. I cannot wait for the journey that awaits me, and I covet all of your prayers.

Much love!

Gracie

Running Under Clouds

Cloudy days are often the dreariest. The saddest moments in movies are when it's raining and there is dramatic thunder and lightning. But today, I realized that I really love clouds. And this is why...

So often God's presence is symbolized by clouds. When he led Israel through the desert, he chose to represent himself in a cloud during the day.  In Revelation, John talks about seeing and angel wrapped in a cloud with a rainbow above his head. In Exodus God appeared above the tabernacle in a cloud of glory. In 2 Chronicles, the priests couldn't perform their duties because a cloud had filled the temple when God's shekinah glory fell upon it. Yes, clouds block the sun which we love so much, but in turn they provide rest, shade, peace. And they often bring rain too. With rain comes life and refreshment and renewing. Clouds and rain drive us inside too. The days we cozy up and read under a blanket are on the cloudy rainy days. It's like, by sending us clouds and rain, God is reminding us to take time to simply be still. We are active on beautiful days. But on the dreary ones, we like to rest and restore our souls as God gives rest and restoration to the earth.

So I like clouds. It's like a big blanket of God's presence, and that has to be a good thing. 

On this cloudy day, I was given time to really reflect on the Lord's goodness. The earth was quiet and my soul was still, and I was just overwhelmed with his mercies that are new every morning. He is so good. So very good. And as I continue to prepare my heart for this journey that lies ahead of me, I'm kind of hoping for more cloudy days, for more blankets of his presence. And while I sit in awe of his goodness, my heart sings this song...

vimeo.com/73249360

I was blessed to record this song with a few friends, and though we got weary at times of going over the song about 17 times, the more I listened to my own words, I realized that this truly is a desire of my heart: to run after my perfect Lord and Savior and to dwell in His house forevermore, both in eternity and here on earth as it is in heaven. 

So today was a really great cloudy day, and I'm running after my soul's delight while he covers me in his grace.

Thanks, Papa, for blanketing us in your presence.

Visitors and Job Interviews

Well friends, I don't really know how often I will write this fall, but if things of significance happen or I have prayer requests, I will be stickin them up here. So here we go...

Today I mostly have some praises and requests for you.

Praise:

MY PARENTS GET TO VISIT ME! 

A group is coming down from Haven in the beginning of April and my parents are able to go! It hadn't really been considered or even thought about because of the money factor and losing two weeks of work, but God is working things out really really beautifully and they will be able to come. I'm so happy. So so happy. Not only because I will get to see them half way through and have people that I'm close to who will understand, but I'm also really excited to see how God works in and through them. Yay God! So praise him for his provision and faithfulness and the way he always works so perfectly. Mm he is good.

Requests:

-My summer job at the jewelry store is finishing up in the next couple of weeks, so I am in need of a job for the fall. I had an interview today with Little People's Place (a daycare center in Holland) and it went really well. So prayers that God would open up doors and that his will might be done, whatever it is.

-A lot of my friends are leaving this week for college. And I'm sad. So I guess I'm just asking for prayers for contentment and peace and more open doors for service and relationship building.

-A close friend of mine had a bit of a rough day yesterday. Her brother dove in a shallow lake and they thought he broke his neck. They took him to GR and did a seven hour surgery last night, and God is doing really wonderful things and healing him, but there is still a lot of unknowns as far as what recovery will look like for him. We are hopeful and trusting in a healing God, but also uncertain of what the future holds for him. If you would like to learn more, you can read SharaLee's blog here: http://attema.blogspot.com/2013/08/ryan.html

Friends I'm so excited. Though this period of transition with my friends moving away and starting school is weird for me and I feel like I'm missing out a little bit, I'm still really excited and know this is where God wants me. He is a faithful God of provision and he has already just blown me away. Thanks for sharing in this journey. I am so blessed to be surrounded by this great cloud of witnesses to love and support me. You are an important piece of the puzzle. The fact that you reflect a piece of God is so beautiful and so encouraging for me, because I get to see a LOT of what he looks like through the combination of so many people loving and encouraging me. I cherish your prayers. I cherish your support. God is so good my friends. So very good.

Love always,

Gracie

Waiting

The rain is falling, the coffee is brewing, my heart is waiting.

It's been waiting for awhile. 

Six years ago, I learned about Beautiful Gate Orphanage in Lesotho, Africa. I was thirteen and, though I knew very little of what I "wanted to be when I grew up," Beautiful Gate sounded really wonderful. I didn't feel a strong call to it at that time, or maybe it was too big of an idea for my mind to grasp, so I continued on with life, but with that tiny seed of longing planted in my young heart.

Fast forward three years.

I was in Mississippi on a mission trip when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. After thinking very deeply about it, I came to the conclusion that all I really wanted was to serve the Lord and be a mom. I didn't really want to go to college, I didn't really want to lead a "normal" life of success and money and safety, and God reminded me of Beautiful Gate, and my desire to serve there grew. A lot.

Fast forward another three years.

College decisions had to be made. And I didn't want to make them. I thought about all the things I could do, but I didn't have peace with anything except jumping right on in to the mission field. So I thought maybe I would do YWAM, a discipleship training school with bases all over the world. But what I found myself doing was searching for bases as close to Beautiful Gate as possible, in hopes of getting to go there. I thought I would satisfy both sides: the conventional step of going to school after 14 years of it and getting to do missions. But my heart simply yearned to be in Lesotho. Why would I wait to do something I had been wanting to do for so long?

So in the fall of senior year, I made the decision to go to Beautiful Gate. There are countless other moments that led me to this place, and I cannot wait to finally step onto that African soil and be smothered by the kisses of 70 precious children.

I leave in January. Maybe starting a blog five months early is jumping the gun a little bit, but my anxious heart couldn't wait. So this is the beginning of my journey. As the rain dies down and I finish the last sip of coffee, my waiting heart leaps at the thought of the six months I will spend at Beautiful Gate.