One Week

In seven days, I will be on my way to Beautiful Gate.

My suitcases are filling up, goodbyes are being said. It's real now.

It's a weird reality at this point. I have been longing to go to Beautiful Gate since I was 12, and I have been preparing for this for such a long time. And yet, as much as I feel ready, I don't really know what I am ready for. There is no telling of what will meet me in Lesotho. I'm sure my heart will be broken and I will grow and be stretched in ways unimaginable, but there isn't much that is concrete. All that I know about my life and my future right now is that I am going. Beyond that, I have no clue. In part, that is really really exciting. But it also comes with it's uncertainties. I cannot wait to see the Lord's story unfold in my life, but at the same time I wish I could see a little further down the road. I trust that His will is perfect and beautiful, but my humanness wants to plan and have a safety net. I suppose I will have to learn to surrender that one...

Thank you to everyone who has supported me, whether in word, prayer, or financial contribution. I am blessed to say that my trip is fully funded! I knew God was generous and faithful and trustworthy, but I am truly blown away by how He has used people from so many circles of my life to get me to this point. I am humbled and comforted to know that this is not my trip, but this is something that God planned long ago and has always had in the palm of His hand. 

Excitement is building, and though there are moments of doubt, anxiety, and sadness, I know this is what God would desire for this time in my life. I would love prayers for strength, peace, courage, and of course travelling safety. This week will go fast and is bound to be a whirlwind of emotions, so prayers are much appreciated.

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20–21)

Be Still

We tiptoed through the snowy pavement and quickly slunk down deep into the hot tub. As our toes thawed and our bodies relaxed, we talked about a million different things. 

We talked about how school was going for her, how work was going for me. We talked about the trip, my excitement and fears.

I told her I was starting to get anxious, that I haven't been sleeping as well. I couldn't put words to it all, but as the realization of only one month left at home became more real, my heart began to ache at the thought of saying goodbye.

The jets turned off, and we were left with an uncomfortable quiet. Just before she went to turn them back on, I told her, "Wait. Just embrace the silence for a second."

That second turned into 15 minutes of the deepest calm I have ever experienced. It was as if I was looking into a movie set, a live picture that wasn't actually the real world. Huge snowflakes floated down without a sound, and the streetlight from the park softly lit the towering pinetree in the backyard. There was nothing to be heard, not even my own breath. The silence flooded my ears, flooded my soul. And my mind kept going back to one thing, "Be still and know that I am God." My heartbeat slowed, my eyes closed, and there was a hush that can only be compared to the world's sigh of relief. 

The soft noise of wheels on wet pavement reminded me that time hadn't stopped, that life was continuing beyond that backyard. I opened my eyes to see that the snowflakes had become even larger and fell at a slow-motion pace. I gently rocked back and forth in the warm water and watched the steam meet the snowflakes, shrinking them down until they disappeared.

We are often told to sit in silence and listen for God. We are often told to be still. My attempts have never been very successful. My mind turns too fast and there are too many distractions.

But this time, God chose the moment. He provided the calm. It wasn't something I could have created myself, and it wasn't a moment of epiphany either. But what it did do was quiet my soul. Like Psalm 131 says, "Oh Lord, my heart is not proud. My eyes are not haughty. I do not concern myself with matters too great or too marvelous for me. But, I have quieted and calmed my soul. Like a weened child with its mother, like a weened child is my soul within me. Oh beloved, put your hope in The Lord, both now and forevermore."

He erased my fears. He melted away my anxiousness. 

I have 30 days left in Holland. I know it is going to go way faster than I want. But The Lord is good, and The Lord is sovereign. He satisfies me in the morning with His unfailing love, and He calms and quiets my soul. I cannot wait to see how He continues to work and move in my heart throughout these next 6 months.

"For The Lord is good, and His love endures forever."