Looking Forward

2014 was a whirlwind.

This time last year, I was packing up, doing coffee dates left and right, and so full of excitement.
This year, we are cleaning out the house, still doing coffee dates, and full of 101 emotions.

Much has happened, and much will happen, I suspect.

In a month, my parents and I fly out to Lesotho for this new adventure. Last time I had a fairly good idea of what it would be like. This time, just about everything feels like an unknown. My heart is open to whatever God has prepared, whether that be with the kids full time again, or branching out and doing more "evangelistic" ministry. My parents are committed to two years, and I'm there until God tells me otherwise. This could mean 2 years, 10 years, or just 1!

The Lord has stripped me of a lot, and this fall has been a huge time of growth and questions and rediscovery. I can only hope that I am being molded more in His likeness as He shatters my earthly plans and paves the way before me. It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. Giving God full reign means letting go of all plans of my own, all desires of my own. And though I know full well that it will be beautiful and good, I know too that good doesn't mean easy.

So I look towards this new year with a lot of questions and very few answers, many fears and many things to look forward to. I'm SO excited to see my kids and my "mommies", to reconnect with friends there and just be back in that beautiful country. I know God has marvelous plans and I'm pumped to see what they are. But I would love your prayers as life is changing rapidly and my heart is having a hard time keeping up.

Friends, if I have learn anything in 2014, it's that God is faithful, sovereign, and so very kind.
In 365 days, I have gone from trusting Him with everything, saying goodbye to hopes and dreams, mourning over the world's brokenness with Him, doubting His goodness altogether, feeling a million miles away, being convicted of my sin, and receiving His impossible grace that brings restoration. And through it all, He has never raised His voice at me, never showed anger. Instead He has shown me all the times He has been present in my life before, reminded me of His divine plan, and has gently cradled me in His arms. As I sat in the dust, ready to give up, He didn't shame me for sitting down but whispered lovingly, "I know. I have not called you to an easy path. I see your brokenness and love you still. So for now, I will carry you, and in a little while I will set you down and we will walk together once more." Unendingly kind. The healer of my soul. Praise Him for His goodness.

I face 2015 as a broken vessel, but a broken vessel that God sees fit for His purposes. Though I do not understand how or why, I am utterly grateful that He isn't done with me, that He didn't leave me to sit in the dust.

Thank you, friends, for your prayer and support this year. I ask it of you again and pray God would richly bless you because of it. Happy New Year!!

Broken

I have found myself utterly broken.

It has been almost 3 months since I left my home in Lesotho, and I have had a really rough time being home in Michigan.

I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I just feel so incredibly empty.
My soul is dry and weary, I feel burdened and tired, and my spirit struggles to find peace.
I feel dashed upon the rocks and completely helpless.
Though this past month has been better than the first two, I haven't really been myself.

Tonight my parents and I had a time for prayer with a few members of our church. And friends... It was so good. We came to ask for prayer to sell our house (a HUGE obstacle that will take nothing short of a miracle) but I really felt like it was time to just be honest and vulnerable and say that I am at probably the lowest point of my life right now. And I wept. I don't think I have blubbered like that since 4th grade. Through the tears and snot, there was an overwhelming sense of love. I feel like I was finally able to just break down all that I have been trying to hold in, and the people around me so gently caught all the pieces and just held me together with the sweet love of my Lord. The baggage and burden and grief I have been carrying spilled out with tremendous force and I was able to leave it there. I know this is only the very very beginning of healing, but it came at just the right time. God surrounded our family when we were at such desperate places. Though we were wrestling with different things (the discouragement and burden of the house and the burden of whatever this is I'm feeling) we were given such grace, such encouragement. We all left tonight feeling beautiful hope. The emotional anxieties over the house and over processing so much change was shared with people who have God's heart. It was so rich, so necessary.

This isn't the end, however. Though we feel great encouragement and hope, we are still in need of desperate prayer. We feel very strongly about being at Beautiful Gate by the end of the year, and believe me when I tell you that it is almost humanly impossible for our house to sell by then. I ask too for deep prayer for myself. I am at a place where I truly cannot do it on my own and need others lifting me up.

So friends, please pray with and for us. Pray that God would move mountains so that our house can sell. Pray that our hearts would be protected from anxiety, fear, distraction. And I pray too for healing from this deep brokenness. We covet your support. This is absolutely impossible without our Lord and His people. We wait with great expectation to see Him move, for we know He will.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord right where we are. Amen.

Update!

Hello!

It's about time for a little update. And by little, I really mean big.

Since my last post a lot has happened, but many things also remain the same.

Let's start with what has happened.

Though I haven't received a big neon sign saying "what, when, how," I have been given the peace and assurance that I am, in fact, going back. I am currently shooting for the second week of December. Upon arriving, I will be house/cat sitting for a missionary friend as she heads back to the US for a four or five month furlough. Tickets haven't been bought, but in my head, that's what I have settled on. Things may change slightly between now and then, but that is the tentative plan.

Other news, and probably more exciting.....

MY PARENTS ARE COMING WITH ME!

I won't go into all the details of how they came to the decision, but my parents will be serving at Beautiful Gate with a commitment of two years. Their date of departure may differ from mine depending on how tying up all of our loose ends go. So we are packing up, selling the house, and moving to Lesotho! (If you know anyone who wants to live downtown Holland, let us know!) My mom will be serving as Operations Manager and hopes to spend some time working with the kids as well, and my dad will be serving as chaplain. It is truly incredible to see how God has been shaping their lives to perfectly lead them to BG. If you get a chance, ask them about it. It's beautiful. 

So now the things that haven't changed.

I will, indeed, be going back to Beautiful Gate as well, but I also hope to get involved with my church there. My role is much less defined than my parents. That is kind of intimidating. But the church I attended has some awesome ministries that I would love to be a part of, specifically ministering in the mountains. I am also currently doing online seminary training, so that is another piece of the puzzle. My heart longs to spread truth. That is one need that I saw and desired so strongly to aid. In short, I am going to Lesotho to be available. I am an empty page ready for God to start writing on. Truth be told, that scares me, but I am also so excited to have the flexibility to move as God directs.

And now some of the more "poetic" thoughts I had today...

For one of my classes, I am reading "The Knowledge of the Holy" by AW Tozer. Here are a few lines that really struck me.

"Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him."

"God constantly encourages us to trust Him in the dark. 'I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron: and I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel . . . What I am is all that need matter to you, for there lie your hope and your peace. I will do what I will do, and it will all come to light at last, but how I do it is My secret. Trust me, and be not afraid."

I cannot describe how I felt while I read this today. He is beautiful beyond what words could ever say. My heart is so full that the love He has poured into my soul is leaking from my eyes in holy tears. His embrace is so warm that my cheeks are rosy and flush. I have not words to express my gratitude, no words to apologize for all my wrongs. Yet my spirit leaps and is satisfied in knowing that He has made me whole, that He has stripped me of my clothes stained and torn, and after humbling me to great vulnerability, hath cloaked me in the righteous robe of redemption. So though I desire nothing more than to be far-sighted, scanning the broad horizon set before me, I know He has created me to be near-sighted with great intention: to trust Him for each step, to marvel at the small details of life, and to surrender all control to Him, the perfect guide and companion. 

I'm striving to trust Him in the dark, striving to trust and not be afraid. Two years is a lot longer than six months. Not knowing exactly what I will be doing makes me nauseous at times. But my hope and peace lie in all that God is: unchanging, omnipotent, wise, infinite.

I will continue to ask prayers for open doors and a spirit of willingness. And as a family, we ask prayer for the funds to make this possible, the perfect buyer for our house, and the emotional and spiritual preparation for this grand adventure. 

And my prayer for you is that you too would experience this great richness that can only be found in our Lord and Savior, a richness that moves you to tears of beautiful love and delight.

Blessings and abundant peace,

Grace

Adjusting (Warning: it's a long one)

I have been home for almost 2 weeks now. And what a 2 weeks it has been.

I will backtrack just a bit to tell y'all about my last few days in Africa.

My last post was after our farewell ceremony on Friday, June 27.
That Saturday and Sunday were filled with packing, farewells to friends, and more packing.

*Precious moment:
On Saturday, I went down to afternoon playgroup to soak up a few more moments with my kids. Within the first 3 minutes, I was crying. One of my little boys came running up to me and just latched on like a monkey, as he always does. So we sat down and I never wanted to let him go. Upon seeing me crying, our oldest girl came up to me, rubbed my back and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace. Pephi." (Pephi meaning sorry.) Of course that made me cry even more to receive such nurturing from a child so young, but they were good tears.

I digress.

Sunday was an emotional day, but I did my best to distract myself. To be honest, I didn't really want to be on campus at all. Every time I saw my kids, I just wanted to cry. So I hid in the house and went out for the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.

Monday morning brought the last minute packing, and the final goodbyes. Terp and I went through all the houses to say goodbye to the housemothers. Saying goodbye to mine was no fun at all. In many ways, they really were my mothers while mine was on the other side of the world. Oh they hold such a dear place in my heart! But the kids were the hardest. They were down at playgroup, so we went in with the little ones first, kissing their slobbery faces and squeezing them one last time while they pulled our hair. Then on to the older ones...ugh. My older kids knew what was happening. One asked if he could come with, one just clung tight, and one wanted nothing to do with me. That was the hardest. Abandonment is something I absolutely hate, and that's what I felt like I was doing to her, and she knew it. And she was mad. It broke my heart that she didn't even look at me. (Annnd I'm crying again. Shootskies.)

We packed everything up, said our cheesy farewells to the pond frogs, yellow grass, termites... and off we went to a lodge about an hour away in South Africa. As we drove further and further from Lesotho, further and further from the mountains, my heart just kind of sank. It was happening, and I wasn't really ready for it. But the following two days were full of rest, processing, peace. In the middle of nowhere, Corana is the perfect place to unwind and work through emotions. I certainly didn't get through them all, but it was good to have a few days before heading home to just be still. Wednesday morning we loaded up again and drove the 5 hours to Johannesburg where we took off around 8 p.m. Unfortunately the electrical was all messed up in the plane, so the entertainment system was down and we didn't have any control over the lights. They were either all on, or all off. Luckily though, Terp and I had the seat between us empty, so we could stretch out and get some much needed sleep. We also got our first taste of "reverse culture shock" when we heard everyone complaining and griping about not having movies. It certainly was a disappointment, but not worth all the fuss many people were making about it. As the plane took off, I had a terrible feeling in me. Forgive my dramatic emotions, but it kind of felt like I left my heart there on the runway and my body left without it. Cheesy, but true nonetheless.

We arrived in Atlanta around 6:15 a.m., enjoyed a Mexican breakfast and smoothie (two things we didn't have in Lesotho) and were in Grand Rapids by 11:30. I feel bad for my family, because they made this nice poster for me and were so excited to see me, and I just...wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome to see them, but like I said, my heart felt like it had been left in Africa. But homeward we went. It felt like a dream. Everything was the same, yet everything felt different. It didn't really seem real. But we got Jet's Pizza for lunch (hokey toots was it good!) and I did some laundry and unpacked. Tacos were the obvious dinner choice and they did not fail to satisfy! YUM.

Friday and Saturday we went camping with my mom's side of the family. That was good, but often overwhelming. Everything is noisier here, and I really struggled with that. And for some reason, the fireworks were WAY too much for me to handle.

Sunday was a bit overwhelming as well with church and seeing more family, but it was good too. Good to be back worshiping at Haven and so good to see my dad's side.

Monday-Saturday were filled with seeing friends, but also filled with some spiritual battle. I think Satan really got in my head and I was just plagued with this ugly lukewarmness. So quickly I lost my passion for anything and was filled with SO much confusion. Suddenly instead of saying "when I go back," I started saying, "if I go back." And it wasn't that I was completely stepping outside of God's will. I still wanted to do it. But for some reason I lost all sense of calling for Lesotho. All the things that had tugged on my heart before were just ideas rather than dreams. It's amazing how quickly we can be deceived, and I am SO grateful that my parents recognized this in me and were bold enough to remind me of my dreams and the calling that they so clearly see in me. So now I'm "back on track." Every day has been different. Some days the busyness of life doesn't get to me. But there are moments that are completely overwhelming too, like when I spent 15 minutes in Walmart and left crying because it was just too much. But God has a beautiful way of soothing my soul too, like in beautiful conversations with a homeless man who prayed for me, the joy that comes from seeing my nephew, and the sweet fellowship of friendships that reach down to the heart.

So as it has been since January 10, each day is a roller coaster of emotions. But it's good. The Lord is good. And even when I lose sight of Him, He is quick to sing sweetly over me and remind me of His perfect love.

I would love prayers for my heart, for protection from lies and the war that is going on. I would love prayers for clarity and open doors for me to go back soon. I treasure your support.

May the Lord bless you and keep you!


P.S. I didn't proof-read this. Be forgiving of mistakes or pure heart writings that don't really make sense.

Farewells

Yesterday morning, Terp and I had our farewell ceremony at BG. My goodness was it beautiful.

Unlike any other ceremony, the staff all dressed up in their traditional wear, all the kids were there, and we were given a beautiful presentation of singing and dancing by the Bo Mme. The overall emotion was honor. I felt so incredibly honored. Though I cried a LOT, I was filled with so much joy, too. It was impossible to not feel loved. My housemother spoke to me as well as a couple other staff members, and my heart swelled with gratitude. 

Friends, I cannot even tell you how much my heart aches. Though I am so excited to see loved ones, I feel as though I am leaving home. And I don't know when I can come back. Don't take offense to this, but I'm praying The Lord lets me return as quick as possible. It grieves me to think about saying goodbye to my family and friends again, but other than those precious relationships, there isn't much about the US that I want. I love Lesotho. This "kingdom in the sky" is full of rich beauty. Everywhere you go, you are surrounded by mountains and cannot help but praise the Maker. It's impossible to miss Him. The people are so joyful, the culture so warm. And I truly believe that God is on the brink of something amazing. I don't want to miss that. I want to be a part of the revival and the bringing of truth to this land. So take this as a bit of a spoiler alert: I'm probably coming back soon.

I have more to say, but my kids are playing outside, and the opportunities to be with them are running scarce. I will be at a lodge in South Africa from Monday-Wednesday and am arriving home on Thursday. Until then, prayers for safety would be much appreciated, and prayers for a soothed heart would be appreciated even more. Thank you, my friends!

Two Weeks

I will be home in two weeks.

Hokey toots.

It hardly seems possible that six months has already gone by. It hardly seems real that I will be in Michigan in fourteen days.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about it. There is part of me that is ready to be home. I'm ready for family, friends, clean water, summer, mexican food... But in the same breath, I am not ready to leave at all. As much as Michigan is home, Lesotho is becoming that. I'm not ready to leave my babies and mommies. I'm not ready to leave the newly formed relationships, the sense of community, the joy and fulfillment found in each day.

If the Lord allows it, I'm coming back. And I think He will. I see so many opportunities here for ministry, so many areas where my heart just aches to be here and share truth! I know there are opportunities in the US as well, but my heart has taken root in the African soil and I really think God is going to do something beautiful here in Lesotho, and shoots! I wanna be a part of it!! I pray I can come back sooner than later. The hope of return makes saying goodbye a little easier, but not knowing when is difficult too.

I think I'm in denial, really. And I don't know if that will help or hurt me. I suppose only time can tell.

In the meantime, I cherish your prayers. Prayers for wisdom, trust, a smooth transition. Prayers for open doors, the funds to come back, and patience in the waiting. If I had it my way, I would be back within the next six months. But God may have a different plan, and I pray I may be content with whatever He decides. Thank you for the support shown, the notes written, the prayers sent up on my behalf. I am blessed to have such a beautiful cloud of witnesses! 

To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!

Rights

As I continue to prepare for my return to the US, I am reading this wonderful book called "Re-Entry" by Peter Jordan. This book helps both long and short term missionaries transition back home. So while I sit and read under five blankets to keep warm, this sentence has hit me square between the eyes. 

"You have no rights; you surrendered them to the Lord Jesus." 

Woah. 

Think about that for a minute. I know we often talk about surrender and laying things down before God, but what does it mean to say that we have no rights?

I think surrender had been downplayed. It's become this sweet offering from two small hands, laying down whatever fits in them before the throne of God. And that's part of it. But to have no rights is to be completely stripped of everything. This isn't some sweet gift. This isn't just the small things. This is everything. 

Don't get me wrong, it's really important to give the small things to Him. But so often that is where we end it. With the small things. 

What about the big things? Are we really willing to lay down our rights, or are we more comfortable to hand over the job interview, the exam, the newer car?

Let's look at it this way...

You do not have a right to marriage. 

You do not have a right to children. 

You do not have a right to your college of choice. 

You do not have a right to a steady job. 

You do not have a right to a nice house. 

You do not have a right to clean water. 

You do not have a right to health. 

You do not have a right to a heated home. 

You do not have a right to a car. 

You do not have a right to make ends meet. 

Shoot, the great commission doesn't even give you "the right to remain silent!" ;)

Now, many of us have most, if not all of these things. But that is only by the Grace of God. You aren't entitled to them. He gives them as gifts because He is a generous God. But really, the only right we have is to the promise of Immanuel - God with us. Is that really enough?

I have been wrestling with this idea for awhile now as I consider what the next step in ministry looks like. Am I truly willing to be stripped of everything and let Him be my everything? Chances are He won't take it all, but He has the authority to do so! I committed my life, my rights to Him and He may do what He pleases. Shoots, He is GOD! Even if I didn't consciously hand them over, He still has the right to take them. 

I am learning to let go of my sense of entitlement. Though I would love to get married and be a mommy, those aren't things I am promised. Though I would love to find a place to call home, I know for a fact that no place will ever be that for me. My citizenship is in heaven. My inheritance isn't on this earth. My rights are with God and comfort, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction, and true rest don't come until I meet Him face to face. So in the meantime, is that hope enough? Is this relationship I share with my Savior and Friend worth everything else?

I would love to say yes. I really would. But I am actually scared senseless of what true surrender means. Maybe you can relate. 

I know in my heart of hearts that He is worth it. I know deep in my soul that letting go of it all is the most beautiful thing we can do because it means that our hands are full of Christ and nothing else. But my heart of flesh trembles and grieves at what that could look like. It could look like the American dream for all I know, but it could also look like a one room rondavel, fetching water that isn't safe to drink, estranged from my family and friends back home, and living in the midst of severe poverty. 

Am I in? Do I trust Him enough to let Him have everything else? 

I am working on it. I am redefining surrender, redefining what my rights are, and I am praying that I have the faith to be okay with whatever comes my way. I am learning from Paul who learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Surrender makes me want to throw up. Be honest with yourself...doesn't it make you sick to your stomach to think of what you might lose?

But right after my earthly self gets past that nauseating feeling, the best thing happens. I see what I am gaining and my soul leaps within me at the impossibly beautiful life that could stem from being stripped of everything worldly. If I let go of all of these sin stained feelings of entitlement, if I let go of the world and pursue my Beloved, I know that great beauty awaits me. If I have nothing of the world, what does that leave me?

Everything of eternity. HOW BEAUTIFUL!!

So I still have no clue what comes down the road. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I want it to be touched by eternity. I know that I want to lay it all down so I can pick up the exquisite gift of life lived fully with my Lord. 

I would love prayers for this time of transition. Thank you, friends, for supporting me!

Cape Town and Other Thoughts

This past week, my housemate Brittany and I went on a little getaway to Cape Town for her birthday. 

Sandwiched by mountain and sea, I was humbled by my own insignificance and basked in God's glorious majesty. My friends, our God is SO creative. That may seem like a silly statement...obviously He is creative. But HOKEY TOOTS. There is so much to explore in this world, so many things that literally take your breath away. The moments of breathtaking beauty I experienced while in Cape Town are far too many to count.

We saw penguins, seals, baboons, possibly a whale (it was really far away...but we are pretty sure we saw one!) waterfalls, beautiful flowers, exquisite shells, and endless blue sea and sky.

We did a lot of hiking and stayed busy for the five days we were there, but oh my friends, it was such a lovely trip. This world has so much to see, but our time to see it is so limited. I'm really glad that heaven is for eternity, because I bet there is going to be SO much to explore, and even more beautiful than the slices of heaven we get to see here on earth.

Luckily there were no emus to attack me (;

Perfection. So many moments of perfection.

As wonderful as it was to get away and see more of God's creation, it was also really nice to be back home this week. With only a month left, I want to savor each day. This weekend I have had the house to myself as the rest of the crew went away for a couple days. It's been so good to take time to be still, to sit in the sun and delight in God's peace. I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about what the next chapter looks like, and though I don't have complete confidence, I see where God is moving. Speaking of moving, hokey toots it's really windy today! Our windows are rattling, leaves are circling around on the ground, and big dust clouds are blowing through the neighborhood. That doesn't really apply to anything else except to give a taste of what the weather is like. Anywho...

I'm looking forward to being home, but frightened at the same time. A friend of mine who is studying abroad next year said it well. She told me, "It is just hard because I know what I am leaving, but I don't know what I am stepping into, except for knowing that God will be with me." In a reverse kind of way, that is how I feel about coming home. I've grown and changed as a person, and BG has become a kind of a home to me. So now I don't fully know what I am stepping into when I go back to Michigan, except that God is with me. 

But that is the key. His presence is not limited by physical time and space, so no matter where I am or how I feel about it, He remains constant through the inconsistency of my life. Praise His perfect name for that! As I prepare my heart to go back home, I am reminding myself that even if I "take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there His hand shall lead me, and His right hand shall hold me." My friends, where can we flee from His presence? There is no such place where He isn't there. And though that doesn't always sound so comforting, what a blessing it is to know that our Dad meets us at every possible turn, correcting us when we go down a dark alley, and opening our eyes to the lovely things He has placed on the path of Life.

Though I may only have a month left in Lesotho, I rejoice in knowing that I still have an eternity with my Beloved.

Saying Yes

Once again, I apologize for the lack of postage. When life seems "normal", it's hard to remember to blog about it. But here is just a blurb of what has been on my mind as of late...

With less than 50 days left, my brain feels like scrambled eggs anytime I think about what comes next. I so badly want to know, to plan, to prepare. I have wishes and desires, big dreams and small ones, but I just want to be told which ones are coming next. However, God hasn't been doing that.

I'm learning what it means to follow. I thought I knew. I thought I knew how to say yes to God's call. But in fact I am an amateur. Sure I'm here, but He made this Act I very clear. Act II isn't even coming in scenes, but in single lines. I know I want to see the end of the show, to be a part of it, but He hasn't given me the rest of the plot, He's just asked me to act. So I'm learning what yes looks like. I'm learning how to accept the role before knowing the part. Like Abraham, I know God is calling me to something awesome, but He hasn't given it a name. It's simply "the place I will show you." 

Clarity hasn't come. Ideas have, but concrete answers are eluding me. So I'm just saying yes. Wherever He brings me, I'm saying yes. Instead of looking down the corridor and asking for all 5 doors to be swinging wide, I'm in the hallway, knowing that there are more doors, but waiting for the very first one to open. And hopefully I can learn to be content with that.

An Unusual Morning: Round 2

Today is Worker's Day, the equivalance of Labor Day in the US. So having the day "off", a few of us volunteers decided to switch up our normal routine and do some painting. We are in the process of getting new, more secure fences up around campus, but first they must all be painted. Twice. We have a lot to do. So Terp, Brittany, one of our office workers, and myself were all working together to make a little more ground on the task. These fences are called Devil's Forks...and rightfully so.

As Terp and I moved some panels to make room for our finished ones, The prong of the devils fork caught my shoe. Hearing the rip, my first thought was, "Oh shoot. My Converse!" 

Then I notice it had gone through my sock as well. It had hurt, and I saw a small spot of blood on my sock, however I thought I had just broken some skin. But to be sure, I took off the shoe, took of the sock, and I beheld a very gruesome sight. A cut, one inch long, and close to half as wide marked my foot with a puddle of blood to give it some color. I wasn't so concerned about my shoes anymore...

I walked very slowly back to my house, had Terp clean up some of the blood, and then decided after a little bit of debate that I would need stitches. So just before noon, we headed to Maseru Private, right around the corner. The staff was so great and light hearted. The doctor said, "Well, I am going now to get a saw. We will need to cut the foot. I will be right back." Hahah! I also got scolded for not wearing boots...woops. But after the sting of the antiseptic and the endless poking of the numbing needle, I watched them sew me back up! Terp and I also got to watch a little TV! Haven't done that in a while! 

And I can't help but show the picture before the stitches... Sorry if this grosses you out.

I'm home and quite fine. But shoots! What a week of new experiences it has been! From bowing emus, kudu chili, and my first time getting stitches. What can I say? This is Africa.

An Unusual Morning

Life has been just life lately. Sometimes I am at a loss of what to write because everything feels so normal. However, I do have a rather funny experience to share!

My housemate Brittany and I went for a little getaway this weekend to just relax and recharge. We went to a small game park in South Africa called Templehof where they have baby lions to hold! So fun! On Saturday night, we went to bed early so we could watch the sunrise over the beautiful South African mountains. We went to the balcony of the lodge but couldn't see much, so we went down to a small play area on the swing set. It wasn't long before the emus came... We knew them to have a poor sense of personal space, so as they started getting closer we didn't think much of it. We were told they were more afraid of us than we are of them. But how the tables turned...

Soon they were far too close for comfort, and despite our attempts to shoo them away, they continued to come closer. Much much closer. Now but three feet away, Brittany found refuge on the top of the  merry-go-round while I stood atop a swing, hoping our height would add some intimidation. Brittany was safe, but the two emus got closer and closer to me, my heart beating faster and faster. But then, the strangest thing happened... The one closest to me began to crouch. I don't think emus can jump, but it sure looked like he was ready to pounce! But the other one followed suit. So there I stood on the swing, two emus kneeling in front of me, still way too close for comfort, but there they sat. One inched closer while the other came around the back side of me. I had this great fear that they were ganging up  on me and were gonna start hammering away at my flesh any minute. They didn't peck, but they began bumping me with their necks and faces while I pleaded for Brittany to do something. As one began fluffing his feathers, Brittany hopped down from her perch, successfully shooing them away enough for me to get to a higher spot. As we stood there puzzled by what we just saw, one emu walked away. The other, however, kept his eye on us, feathers fluffed, and very slowly circling our jungle gym of refuge. I did my best to enjoy the sunrise, but I had a hard time slowing down my heart after thinking I was going to be pecked to death. The light stretched across the sky, the emu was far enough away for us to make an escape, and we quickly relinquished to our cozy rondavel by the lion cage. My heart restored to its normal pace as I enjoyed a rusk and a cup of tea. 

We found out at breakfast that the kneeling was actually a sign of respect. They said they were welcoming me and saw me as an authority. What!? Though this may be true, I have decided that I do not like emus, despite how much they seem to like me. But hey, I'm in the animal kingdom club now! I've got birds bowing to me! 

An Overdue Update

Hello! Hi. This is long overdue. Sorry.

These past few weeks have been such a whirlwind! Since my last post, a team of 21 came from my church which included my parents and boyfriend. It was such a blessing to have them here to experience life as I have been living it. Though it was overwhelming at times to have my two worlds collide, it was also so beautiful to see them understanding why I love it here so much. I know this post will not do it justice, but time is limited and there are too many words to be written.

They came on the 29th and it was such a joyous reunion. My mom got to work with me in my house, and my dad and Brooks also got opportunity to pop in on my "normal" life, as well as help out on campus and at Beautiful Gardens. We were able to see a bit more of the country on day trips and evening getaways, and those moments were so refreshing. To end the week, I joined the team for a two day safari in South Africa. Let me tell you, it was incredible! Though we didn't see everything we were hoping to, I loved soaking in all of God's creativity and handiwork. Even just the landscape around us was enough to cause awe. They left on the 7th, and though it was difficult to have to say goodbye again, it also marked me being half way! Hokey toots! I had a lot of fear that when they left I would feel very alone, but I was pleased to find out that instead I felt very encouraged. A member of the team said something that really lightened my spirit. I feel silly for not being able to remember what it was, but whatever she said replaced fear with a great sense of calm and hope in the fact that I now have an even bigger cloud of witnesses who understand and can support me. The first few days were still a bit lonely and quiet, but The Lord blessed me with such deep joy in my work here. I wish I had time to write more. Though the week was crazy, it was also such a gift to have the three people I love most experience my day to day life.

Another big event became two. The last Friday that the Haven team was here, we said goodbye to two of our precious children. Their sister called and said she was coming to pick them up, so just as soon as she called, they were taken away. This was such a hard departure for so many. For Brittany (one of my housemates) and I, it meant two less kids in the soft play room where we work in the morning. We had really been working hard with these two to reach their milestones as they are quite behind, so we had really bonded with them. For their housemother, it meant saying goodbye to her children. And for so many others on campus, it was a day of heartache, for the nature of their departure was uncertain and not very hopeful. However, now the event has become two! A week later, we received calls from their neighborhood that they were not being looked after well, so our social worker brought them back home, and home it truly is. They adjusted very easily back into life at Beautiful Gate, and though we grieve whatever they must have experienced in that week away, we rejoice in knowing that this is not defeat. God has brought them back to good hands, and now they will be on their way through the adoption process! The sorrow of the goodbyes made the joy of the hellos even greater, and I praise our Lord for His mighty plan.

Life otherwise has just been life. There are beautiful moments of joy, moments of exhaustion, moments of sorrow, but above all else, each moment is a moment of grace. For this reason we praise. I am so excited to take time during this Holy Week to just spend with my savior, and I hope you can find the time to do the same. As my kids so enthusiastically say, "God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!"

Reality

This week has been an interesting one...

The reality of what this place is hit me hard. So hard, in fact, that my body began shutting down because of the emotional stress. For two days I just slept. I didn't have energy to do anything else. I had so much tension in my back, and my stomach was upset all week. I had it at least 10 times where I was sure I was going to throw up, yet nothing happened. 

Starting Sunday evening, my mind and heart began wrestling with my role here. And very quickly, I began a grieving process that I wasn't expecting.

The obvious grief was over the fact that the children even have to be here, that this place, and so many others like it, have to exist. But this wasn't what really hit me hardest. I know this to be a place of hope. God's hand is so evident, and it is clear that the children are not short of love by any means.

The grief that has been consuming me is for the parents who are missing so much joy in their children's lives, and grieving over whatever got them to the place to let their children go. I don't understand the kind of desperation that causes one to abandon their child, so I cannot be angry with them. But my heart grieves that my role is necessary, that I am the one feeding these beautiful children, I am the one to witness their first steps, I am the one to sing them songs, give them goodnight kisses, and delight in their innocent laughter. These are things of unexplainable joy, but I wish so badly that their parents could see. I wish they knew what precious jewels their children are becoming. I grieve the outrageous beauty they are missing. 

With each moment of sweet joy that came this week (and they were endless), there came an aftertaste of bitter grief. I don't know how to explain this feeling well, but it is as if I have been given somebody else's gift. I know I should feel blessed to witness all these phenomenal moments, but instead I feel like I have peaked into someone else's present, one they will never get to enjoy. And that sucks. My heart and mind are feeling very jumbled. I wish I could express this better. My week wasn't bad. I wasn't in tears at every moment, I wasn't on the verge of a meltdown all the time. But my heart became so heavy. I had such a hard time accepting the moments of joy because I knew they should belong to someone else.

So after almost three months of being here, my heart has finally broken, and I'm honestly not sure that this is fixable. "Break my heart for what breaks yours." It's a prayer I have said in the past, and it has certainly been answered. I don't know what moving forward looks like from this point on. I know this is part of God's redemptive plan, and I know He is a God of restoration and healing. So I don't think I will be in an eternal state of grieving, but I think God has broken my heart for good.

Still I know there is hope. I know He is working out all things for the good of those who love Him. I know He will gather His children from the east and the west, and I know He has His hand around all these parents as well. I may never get to see how it works out in the end, but I have confident hope in the story Ntate Molimo is writing (N-tah-tee Mo-dee-mo: sesotho for Father God). So I will praise Him through each heart breaking moment, rejoicing in His perfect plan.

(And to all parents who may be reading this, please don't take your children for granted. They radiate so much beauty. I know 63 children whose parents are missing that. I would hate for you to miss it too.)

Kids: Joy, Sadness, Innocence

I had three distinct experiences with kids this weekend. One of holy joy, one of deep sadness, and one of pure innocence.

My moment of joy was on Friday. One of "my" boys was adopted to Sweden, and though each adoption is a beautiful story, it is a little more meaningful when you have had the pleasure of being one of the child's fill-in moms for two and a half months. My boy is sweet and forgiving, timid and silly, cuddly and hungry. He loves kisses, he knows what he wants, and he is a child of repetition. So on Friday when we all filed into the chapel to celebrate this beautiful union, my heart was especially joyful to see one of my kids be given a forever family. I did my best to keep in the tears, but I quickly melted into a little puddle when, near the beginning of the ceremony, he hopped off the couch by his mom and came searching for me to give me a final hug and kiss. Though not in school yet, he understood fully what was happening, and I was ruined by this sweet act. My cheeks remained tear stained for the remainder of the ceremony, and my heart was filled to the brim with such a holy joy that can only come from the witnessing of God's redemption story being played out before you. His mother came up to me later and said, "I can see that he really loves you, and I can see that you love him too. But please, tell me why." So with pride in my heart and a lump in my throat, I told her all the reasons I loved her son as I watched her eyes twinkle at the gift she had been given. Oh my friends. Words cannot even explain the magnificence of seeing a mother be given the child she had been praying for, of seeing a child be given the mother he had been longing for. I know I was only two and a half months of his life, and I know I was not anywhere near being his mother, but I have such pride, hope, joy, and love for him. What a beautiful moment to cherish. 

My moment of sadness came this afternoon. I know I will fail miserably at explaining the depth of my emotions, but I will do my best. Most of the time, the kids just seem like kids. They play like kids, laugh like kids, cry like kids, eat like kids... But every once in awhile, you get a tiny glimmer of the weight of their past. Today, I was dragged around the playground by one of "my" girls. Our time was full of giggles and silliness, and a sweet moment of just gazing in awe of each others' differences. However, when it was time for me to head back up the hill and go home, the sweet lightness of her face quickly dissipated into the look I hate most here at Beautiful Gate: abandonment. I stood up and said goodbye, and her eyes filled with tears. I thought at first that she just wanted to play longer, but when I looked into her eyes again, there were more than just tears there. Fear had settled in as well. I kneeled down in front of her and took her small hands in mine, assuring her that I would be back in the morning to give her breakfast before she went to school. But no matter how much I tried to give her confidence of my return, she continued to shake her head, not wanting to be left. Finally I just had to leave as she cried and took a few steps after me. I waved and blew a kiss, and through tears, she gave the most heartbreaking blow of a kiss back, one that truly looked like a final goodbye. What a stark difference to the sweet hug and kiss I had received on Friday.

My moment of pure innocence came shortly after, and was gladly welcomed. I had settled onto a big sleeping bag in the sun, rolled up like a burrito, when Mercy (the director's youngest child) rolled up next to me in a smaller blanket. We giggled about how we looked like tacos, and our conversation took flight. We covered everything from our favorite colors, the depth of a tree's roots, the recipe for a perfect rainy night (pizza, a movie, and green caramel popcorn), all the way to discussing which was really home, America or Africa. As we lay there, faces close, I soaked in her innocence and honesty. She was unafraid to ask questions, unafraid to answer. She was curious and thoughtful, and she was eager to share her silly jokes with me. She didn't want to be talked down to because she was young, she just wanted to talk. It was such a moment of peace, and in a way I can't explain, a moment of restoration. We simply thought about life together, and I had the privilege of seeing the world through her innocent eyes.

These instances don't flow together in some poetic fashion, except to show you the breadth of emotions experienced here. There is joy unexplainable, despised sorrow, and restorative peace in a matter of a weekend, along with all the other little feelings thrown in as well. I don't have a big point to share, no revelation from these moments. But it's a view of the rollar coaster this journey is and has been. Praise God for His faithful, constant, and ever-loving presence in our lives!

Rainy Season

Rain.

It is often thought of as life-giving, renewing, cleansing.

But if I have learned anything during this wet season in Lesotho, it's that rain brings up a lot of dirt.

With each storm we get here, our sidewalks and back walkways get covered in mud, slime, and filth. Our ponds overflow, the weeds grow high, and our lawn turns to mush.

As I sat on our front steps and watched the rain come down this morning, these were the thoughts running through my head. 

Just as these few summer months in Lesotho are rainy and wet, God brings us through seasons of cloud and storm. And just with the rain, it is exciting and thrilling at first. The power of the storm makes you cozy up inside, letting you be still. But after awhile, we begin to get restless. We feel trapped and claustrophobic. I think when we are in seasons of spiritual rain, this fact is the same. We welcome the quiet time, but then get uncomfortable to be stuck in the stillness. We see things around us getting weedy, mushy, dirty. Our clean paths suddenly become slimy, and we have to navigate new routes because our normal ones are flooded. 

Nobody wants the dirt of their life to be brought to the surface. We want the lawns of our lives to be well-manicured, the path before us clean, dry, and sure. We want a little rain shower here and there to make our flowers grow, but we have no desire for a flooded, mushy swamp. Yet these are the moments that God seems to transform our hearts.

Some storms in our lives make us feel so trapped that we will find any excuse to get out. But when we step out the front door, we realize the paths we are so used to have become a pond, and God forces us to choose a different way. 

Some seasons reveal the weeds in our lives, the outside things that keep our flowers, our faith, from blooming. We see how far they have spread, and we are shown exactly where we need to mow, to cut out the things that hinder us from our full potential in Christ.

Still other seasons just bring up a lot of dirt. These seasons don't force you to find a new route, they don't show you the outside obstacles in your faith. Instead, they show you the things you have covered up with grass, the deeply buried sin, the filth. This may be the most difficult season of all.

When our paths get flooded, we have the joy of discovering the new one God has intended for us. When our yard springs up with weeds, we get to remove them and watch our flowers grow. Though the path may be longer and the weeds tricky to get out, both end in something new, something better.

But in the seasons of mud and dirt, it seems to just stick there. The sun comes out, our paths are dry and we can get rid of the weeds, but the dirt stays there on the sidewalk. It gets stepped on and finds its way into the cracks and settles when the water soaks up. We can try to sweep it away, but we end up just spreading it around. It sticks to our feet and we start to track it inside the house.

Yet this cannot be the end. As I sat on my front porch, I knew there had to be something that got rid of the dirt. I thought long and hard. I thought through the flooding, I thought through the weeds, but I knew the dirt stayed, even when everything else was dry again.

In Lesotho, the only thing that gets rid of the filth is wind. It may be a soft breeze that gently blows the dirt away, or it may come in big gusts that quickly pick it up and sweep it off.

In the Bible, the Hebrew word used for wind is often the same as the word for Spirit: ruach. So as it is with the physical dirt on our sidewalks at Beautiful Gate, the ruach is the only thing that can remove the dirt in our lives. It may come gently, or it may come in a mighty gust, but it comes on its own accord. We cannot get rid of the dirt ourselves, and we cannot force the wind to come, but in the right season, God sends the ruach into our lives and removes the filth and dirt.

I don't know what the weather is like in your life. I don't know if you can hear the thunder in the distance, if it's right above your house, or if the sun has come out again to dry up all the water. But wherever the storm is or has been, take a look at your lawn. 

Is God asking you to seek out a new path? Pursue it with a spirit of adventure and discovery, taking joy in knowing it has been marked out by Him.

Is He revealing the weeds you need to pull? Dig them all out and watch the beauty of obedience blossom.

Is He uncovering your filth? Rest assured that His wind has come, and worship Him for His gracious and complete cleansing.

Friends, may you see beauty in the rain God sends in your life (and keep your eyes open for the rainbows too).

Child-Like Faith

What does it look like to have faith like a child? My heart is pondering that thought this morning. 

As I began praying, I was overwhelmed by the fact that God chose me as His child, and chose to dwell in me. So here is my prayer for the day...

My soul is full, Holy Spirit, with your presence. How blessed a thought it is that you have made room in my broken heart to dwell and to heal and to move. I am no tabernacle, no holy of holies. I am no sacred temple, built by Solomon. I am but a child with dirt on her face, her feet, her hands. My knees are scraped up from falling, and my hair is in a tangled mess. Yet you look and say, "There. That one is mine. In her I will make my dwelling, and in her I will accomplish my will." 

Daddy, I pray that I might be a good listener, that I would clean the cluttered rooms of my heart, sit still in your lap when I get too wiggly, and come to you whenever you call me. May I trust you to catch when you throw me up high into the air, hold tightly to your finger as I begin to walk, and may I reach my little arms up to you alone, fully delighted when you pick me up. May the sight of you make me jump with excitement, and when I lose track of you, may it be the biggest tragedy.

Today, Papa, may I be fully satisfied with the food of your Word and the living water given to me by my big brother Jesus. May I not leave my food unfinished, but eagerly devour it and ask for even more.

Father, Papa, Abba, Daddy, thank you for this new day of child-like faith.

I love you. Help me love you more.

<3 Gracie

Adoptions, Names, and Water

Today is a jumble of things. Forgive the lack of flow (:

Last week Friday, I got to experience my first adoption ceremony. I wish I had written about it that day so all the images and feelings were still vivid in my mind, but the day came and went and days kept coming and going without me having the time or energy to sit down and blog. So I will do my best to give it the justice it deserves...

I went into the chapel not knowing what to expect, but incredibly excited and joy-filled at what the day meant for this sibling set going to Canada. As the seats began to fill, I think our hearts did too. The Bo Me started the ceremony in song, and the joy and worship that filled the room was so thick you could taste it. The story of the children was told, their housemother spoke about them and gave the charge to the parents to grow them up in The Lord, and Bryan charged their oldest son to look out for his two new siblings. As they signed the final documents, the room was filled once again with the most worshipful praise, and the verse in my mind that kept running over and over again comes from Zephaniah 3:17, a verse about the redemption of God's children, Israel. 

The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.

What a beautiful image! In seeing the joy these parents had in bringing their children home, it was as if I got a taste of what that first moment in heaven will look like: finally home, finally able to see our Father whom we have been waiting so long for, entering with joy as the heavenly hosts welcome you home with songs of great praise. 

We prayed a blessing over the family and enjoyed some tea and sweets, and the whole day my heart was so full. I cannot wait for the day when I get to see my Father. We are familiar with the adoption part of our faith, that God bought us with the blood of Christ to share in His inheritance, but to see it so closely made it so much more real. This family waited for 5 years to get their children, and with adoration they held them closely in their arms. Our Heavenly Father is waiting too, and when the time is right, we are going to be scooped up in His loving arms where He will rejoice over us with gladness, quiet us with His love, and sing joyfully over us, our mighty God who saved us. Mm. I cannot wait for that day!!

Two big things happened for me this week. I got my first compliment, and I got my Sesotho name from my housemothers! This culture is not one to praise you to your face. Though they will tell others how much they appreciate you, it is not often that they will actually tell you personally. So on Wednesday, as I was finishing up in my house and making sure all the babes had gotten their water, one of my housemothers said, "Ausi Grace, you are doing such good work here. Thank you for all you do. God bless you!" Though it was short, it meant the world to me! It is so rare to be complimented, and my heart swooned when she told me I was doing well. 

On Thursday, I got my Sesotho name (: My Bo Me talked between themselves and said, "You will be Ausi Relebohile, 'we are grateful'." As silly as it may sound, it felt like parents choosing a name when you are born, except that I got to be there and understand what was happening! It was a very warm moment for me to be named by my mamas, and to know that they chose a name fitting to how they saw me!

On Wednesday, we also welcomed a new volunteer, Brittany! She will be here for six months and is from West Michigan, so it is fun to make connections and play a little Dutch bingo. I am so excited for her to see and experience all that BG has to offer. She has already been a joy to have on campus (:

Our water was off for the past few days... We have a reserve tank, but it leaked and within the first day, we lost a third of our supply. The tank should last for ten days, but that was certainly not going to be happening at the rate we were losing water. So we flushed our toilet with pond water and a bucket, washed way too many dishes in filthy, cold, leftover sink water, and went without showers. It stunk in more ways than one. But this morning we got water back!! We don't know how long that will be for, so we have been told to remain conservative in our water usage, but it felt SO good to take a shower after four days of greasy hair and sticky skin. (There is so much that gets on you when you work with 60+ kids, a shower was SUCH a relief) So we would love prayers that our water stays and they get all the problems fixed, as this may only be temporary. It is not just us, but a very large portion of the community, so it is really detrimental for those who don't have any back up. Thanks!!

My friends, God is good. He is a God of redemption, a God of blessing, a God of provision, and a God whose mercies truly are new every morning. Each day is another opportunity to be in fellowship with Him, regardless of where you are. So seize each moment. Though circumstances may not be the best, your God is incapable of truly letting you down. Be still in His presence today. Drink fully from the living water of our Lord.

Beautiful Things

Well, it turns out that I am not a very faithful blogger... Sorry. I have had a plethora of thoughts running around in my head but not the will to write it all down. So I will do my best to summarize them all here:

I have been blessed with two weekends away, and my heart has become so full because of them. 

Two weekends ago, we went to Malealea Lodge, a lovely oasis in the mountains. When you step out from your little cabin to see this, your heart cannot help but be at ease. Though the picture does not show it well, this beautiful grassy lawn reaches out to endless mountains, endless sky. (And there are many more of this weekend on Facebook, if you are interested) I spent a lot of time sitting on the bench over this lookout to just be. I spent time with my Lord and let Him fill my lungs with His renewing breath.

We were also given the opportunity to go on a village tour, and the whole time I was just in awe at the beauty of simplicity. The people were so rich in so many ways. It is hard to describe, but there was such a sense of peace there in the mountains. 

While on the tour, I began asking our tour guides endless questions. We got on the topic of faith, and I was so blessed to be able to learn what they believe, and in turn, share the truth of the gospel with them. My heart found such satisfaction and fulfillment in sharing the Word of God with them, and I realized that I really desire to make disciples and to spread the hope of salvation that has been graciously given me.

With heart full and prompted by my Jesus, we went home rested and renewed. You wouldn't think that two days in the mountains could change your life, but I truly believe that it did. I came back to Beautiful Gate so anxious to share the word that I just started telling it to the kids. This, of course, was a silly thing to do, since they are all under five years old, have no concept of salvation, and don't even speak the same language. Nonetheless, I was overflowing with a need to tell someone!

God has been working in such beautiful ways since then. Both in my heart, and in the hearts of others. I had really felt a burden to reach out and minister to the housemothers during my stay here, but I was so unsure of how to do so and to be honest, I was really scared. How could I, a nineteen year old American, minister to these wise Basotho women whose English is so limited? But God opened up doors and gave me the courage to find a way. I asked my house moms if they would like to read the Bible together, and they all excitedly said yes! So I began going into the house during my break and the kids' nap time to simply read. A local volunteer who has been assigned to my house with me has especially been loving our time together. She is a fairly new Christian and is SO hungry for the word. She thinks so deeply and makes such beautiful connections. It is like I get to read the Bible for the very first time again! I have been able to see the wonder and power of the word through her, and each time, I am blessed. I thought we would meet once or twice a week from 2-3, but it has become everyday from 2-4. Mmm. I cannot even tell you how blessed I feel to do this with her and the other housemothers. They have a lot of cultural beliefs that have skewed the truth of the Word, so it is so cool to be able to share and clarify what God says. So good. I have found so much fulfillment in it and know that this is something I do not want to stop when I go back home. We are called to be disciple makers! That has always been God's mission, to share His glory with all nations. So GO! Share this beautiful love, this treasure, this truth!! 

After that jumble of thoughts.... This past weekend we went to Templehof Gamepark. 

 

To look out on this sunny view was so good. Plus we got to see a very pregnant mama lion, the daddy lion (and hear him roar!) and hold lion cubs. Eeeek! Makin dreams come true my friends. Makin dreams come true. We also saw emu, impala, wild dogs which are very endangered, peacocks, ostriches and their babies (which look really really funny) and "blue ball" monkeys. As I watched all these animals, and especially the lions, I was just in awe of how creative and majestic God is. I was actually reminded of Aslan from the Chronicles of Narnia and how there is such awe inspiring beauty and power in the lion, and how our savior is called the Lion of Judah. It was just such a nice time.

These weekends away refreshed my spirit and showed me so much of God's lovely creation, but they also made me more keenly aware of the beauty here on campus. There is beauty in walking down the sidewalk to hear my name being yelled from in my babyhouse and having all the kids sprint up to jump into my arms every morning. There is beauty in the laughter of a child who I couldn't even get to smile when I first arrived. There is beauty in the jubilant hallelujahs thrown in to our "Amen" song at snack time. There is beauty in the first steps of one of "my" babies today. There is beauty in so many things.

So I encourage you to seek out the beauty around you. It may be small, a brief moment of joy, or it may be big, like the horizon dotted with mountains that can do nothing else but bring glory to God. Life can easily become mundane, but when our eyes are opened to the things God has touched, we cannot help but think life to be beautiful.

One Month

Hokey toots, friends. It's already been a month. It seems so odd to say because the time has gone by so quickly. So I'm just gonna let this post be a reflection of that time. I will do my best. This could be a book.

The daily schedule, more or less...

I wake up at 6 to be in my house at 7. I have 14 kids: 2 infants, 2 crawlers, 2 toddlers, 3 pre-k, 3 preschoolers, and 2 kindergarteners. I have 9 boys and 5 girls, and there are 2 sibling sets, one of which is twins. After greeting them all and getting my morning dose of wet kisses, I dish up breakfast for both my house and the house we are connected to, feed my crawlers and toddlers, then clean up for both houses. Laundry gets hung outside after that (and there is a LOT) and then we go to playgroup. The older but not ready for school kids have singing, learning, and play time and I go with the crawlers to our soft room. There we work with kids to get them crawling, standing, walking, etc, and the room normally has 10-15 babies from all the houses. At 10, the kids have a snack and I help feed the underweight kids with some power porridge. (I don't think it's ever been called that before...but that's what it is) Tea time is from 10:30-11 and I go home for a little snack and time to relax, then back to playgroup where the kids get to play outside. Lunch comes next, and I dish up another 21 dishes and help feed the youngins and clean up. While the kids nap, I get a break until 3. Sometimes that means napping, sometimes it's reading, sometimes it's sitting at the picnic table and just talking with the other volunteers. At 3 the kids go back outside to play where I join them, and around 4 they get a snack and head home for baths. This is the BEST part of the day. Naked baby time. They finish their snacks and then strip down to get all clean, and I don't know what it is about it, but it is my absolute favorite. They run to the bath, get scrubbed down, and then they come running to me all happy and free to get rubbed with Vaseline. SO cute. After naked baby time comes another 21 plates, feeding youngins, cleaning up, and then I head home for the day.

There are days when it feels like so much and is so exhausting. Other days, however, go so quickly and the work seems like play. 

Some days I feel utterly defeated, inadequate, and unhelpful, while others are so fulfilling and full of joy and hope.

God can feel miles away one moment and right by my side the next.

In short, it's a roller coaster.

Silly things I miss...

My shower. Tortilla shells. Tacos. Anything mexican. 

More legitimate things I miss...

My friends and family. The ability to speak English to whoever I want (this may seem silly, but it's really true). The freedom to go somewhere by myself, on a bike ride, for a drive, etc. Complete alone time.  

God is really working in my heart. Slowly but surely, He is leading me and guiding me. There are a plethora of unknowns, but He is teaching me things about myself and putting desires deep within me.

This month has been good. This month has been fast. I have seen the beauty of the mountains, the simplicity life can bring, the indescribable joy of a child, the power of an Almighty God.

I would cherish your prayers for clarity and wisdom, opportunities to minister, and for protection from Satan's lies. There is so much more I would love to tell you, but we will leave it at this for now (: Thanks friends. Your support is so meaningful to me!

Father

This past week, I have been overwhelmed with what it means to be a child of God. 

Charles Spurgeon said, "God's people are doubly His children. They are His offspring by creation, and they are His sons by adoption in Christ." What a beautiful truth, that we should be called the sons of God not only because it is His breath that gives us life, but also because it is His sons blood that paid the bride price. Just as in marriage, we have been given a new name and our groom is building a home eternal. The beauty is that only our groom's father will know when the house is complete, and he isn't just the father in law, he is the one being who knows our every thought, every step, every heart beat. How glorious this house must be!

I live with 62 children who are radically loved and desired by this same God. They are twice the child of a perfect Father, and though they may not have earthly parents yet, they have been chosen two times by the giver of all good things, the redeemer of their souls, the rescuer, the King. I live with royalty. What a beautiful image of the Kingdom on earth. 

Charles Spurgeon goes on to say, "Abba, Father! He who can say this, hath uttered better music than cherubim or seraphim can reach. There is heaven in the depth of that word—Father! There is all I can ask; all my necessities can demand; all my wishes can desire. I have all in all to all eternity when I can say, 'Father.'"

There is heaven in the depth of that word -- Father! I cannot imagine the deep joy that must be felt by God when He hears His children say his name. I cannot imagine music more beautiful than angels can make. But I do understand that last part. Everything I could ever need or ask for is found in my Father. I have everything to the full from now until eternity if I can just say Father. 

So my friends, rest in the knowledge of being twice wanted, twice chosen, twice loved. 

Rest in the knowledge that if you can just say your dad's name, you will have your all in all for all eternity. 

Trials, temptations, and troubles will arise, but when you know who your Father is, you shall never be wanting. 

There is so much I could say about this Father, so much I could say about what it means to be His, but my desire today is that we just dwell with our Abba and smile with Him, knowing that we are His forever. 

Constant

Life at Beautiful Gate is anything but constant. Each day is a roller coaster of activity and emotions. 

Some days it is so easy to find the joy in life here: in the giggle of a child, a baby standing for the first time, playing in kiddie pools, praising Jesus at the top of our lungs...

Other days it is much more difficult. You feel defeated, unworthy, unequiped. Kids won't stop pulling your hair, the baby just keeps crying, you get thrown up on...

But what I have realized in my twelve days here is that, no matter how my day is going, The Lord is always drawing me in and saying, "Gracie, stay here beside me."

Psalm 92 says, "It is good to give thanks to The Lord."

1 Thessalonians says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Now, Psalm 92 doesn't say, "It is easy to give thanks to The Lord," and 1 Thessalonians doesn't say, "Give thanks for all circumstances." But rather it is good to give thanks through all that we endure, for in this life we will have trouble, but God is so much bigger than that.

So give thanks in all things, not because it was all good or all from God, but because God is good and and he is there in it all.

Life at Beautiful Gate may not be constant, but I rejoice in saying that I am walking along this path with the God of unfailing, steadfast, and constant love, hope, and joy.

Here at Last

With heavy eyes, heavy bags, and very tired bodies, we rolled onto campus around midnight on Friday. 

After disappointing setbacks and a few boring days trapped in Michigan with all the snow, we finally made it. 

My first two days were spent relaxing and recovering from jet lag, meeting kids and housemothers, and simply taking it all in. I went to church with Brian and Anita and was so encouraged by it. Their theme for the year is to be difference makers, and I was reminded in the midst of my fears that God is not looking for perfect people. He is looking for people who know they are not perfect but are willing to do a perfect job. Many doubts have crept in...feelings of inadequacy mostly. But to be reminded of the omnipotence of God was so refreshing. He planned this long before I could ever imagine it, and he made it just right. 

This morning I met the administrative staff and joined them for devotions. We read about Abraham sacrificing Isaac and were struck again by his great faith and trust. Genesis 22:5 exemplifies it best when Abraham says to his servant, "You wait here. The boy and I are going there to worship, and then we will come back to you."  Even then he knew God must have had another plan. He took Him at His word and knew he was to become a great nation. My roommate Christina (or Terp as we lovingly call her) said that life is like a dance with God. We need to trust that he know what he is doing, and we must let him lead. If we don't, we end up stepping on each other's feet and instead of becoming a thing of grace, beauty, and celebration, it becomes messy, chaotic, and ugly. These next six months are bound to have difficult dances in them, and I don't think I am always going to want to go where He leads, but how good it is to start this journey with that image and goal of obedience in mind. 

Today I was assigned to Pula 1, one of the five baby houses. I met my housemothers, started getting to know my kids, and began the work that will be my life for these six months. It was overwhelming at first. There are a lot of kids, a lot of names I cannot say or remember, and just a lot to take in, but it was good. My heart has already begun melting for those little ones. They love without any hesitation. Though we cannot speak well to each other and we don't even know each other's names, they were so excited to hold my hand, sit in my lap, put their arms up to be held, and give me spitty kisses on the cheek. (The first child I met on Saturday was so excited that she immediately wanted to be held, and then proceeded to pee on me. Initiation is complete.) Everyone has been so welcoming, so joyous. The children are beautiful and happy. Their laughter is like the brilliance of sunshine. It warms your very soul. 

Thank you all who are praying. I am so touched by the support I have been given. My hope is to write once or twice a week. 

With much love...