I have been home for almost 2 weeks now. And what a 2 weeks it has been.
I will backtrack just a bit to tell y'all about my last few days in Africa.
My last post was after our farewell ceremony on Friday, June 27.
That Saturday and Sunday were filled with packing, farewells to friends, and more packing.
*Precious moment:
On Saturday, I went down to afternoon playgroup to soak up a few more moments with my kids. Within the first 3 minutes, I was crying. One of my little boys came running up to me and just latched on like a monkey, as he always does. So we sat down and I never wanted to let him go. Upon seeing me crying, our oldest girl came up to me, rubbed my back and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace. Pephi." (Pephi meaning sorry.) Of course that made me cry even more to receive such nurturing from a child so young, but they were good tears.
I digress.
Sunday was an emotional day, but I did my best to distract myself. To be honest, I didn't really want to be on campus at all. Every time I saw my kids, I just wanted to cry. So I hid in the house and went out for the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.
Monday morning brought the last minute packing, and the final goodbyes. Terp and I went through all the houses to say goodbye to the housemothers. Saying goodbye to mine was no fun at all. In many ways, they really were my mothers while mine was on the other side of the world. Oh they hold such a dear place in my heart! But the kids were the hardest. They were down at playgroup, so we went in with the little ones first, kissing their slobbery faces and squeezing them one last time while they pulled our hair. Then on to the older ones...ugh. My older kids knew what was happening. One asked if he could come with, one just clung tight, and one wanted nothing to do with me. That was the hardest. Abandonment is something I absolutely hate, and that's what I felt like I was doing to her, and she knew it. And she was mad. It broke my heart that she didn't even look at me. (Annnd I'm crying again. Shootskies.)
We packed everything up, said our cheesy farewells to the pond frogs, yellow grass, termites... and off we went to a lodge about an hour away in South Africa. As we drove further and further from Lesotho, further and further from the mountains, my heart just kind of sank. It was happening, and I wasn't really ready for it. But the following two days were full of rest, processing, peace. In the middle of nowhere, Corana is the perfect place to unwind and work through emotions. I certainly didn't get through them all, but it was good to have a few days before heading home to just be still. Wednesday morning we loaded up again and drove the 5 hours to Johannesburg where we took off around 8 p.m. Unfortunately the electrical was all messed up in the plane, so the entertainment system was down and we didn't have any control over the lights. They were either all on, or all off. Luckily though, Terp and I had the seat between us empty, so we could stretch out and get some much needed sleep. We also got our first taste of "reverse culture shock" when we heard everyone complaining and griping about not having movies. It certainly was a disappointment, but not worth all the fuss many people were making about it. As the plane took off, I had a terrible feeling in me. Forgive my dramatic emotions, but it kind of felt like I left my heart there on the runway and my body left without it. Cheesy, but true nonetheless.
We arrived in Atlanta around 6:15 a.m., enjoyed a Mexican breakfast and smoothie (two things we didn't have in Lesotho) and were in Grand Rapids by 11:30. I feel bad for my family, because they made this nice poster for me and were so excited to see me, and I just...wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome to see them, but like I said, my heart felt like it had been left in Africa. But homeward we went. It felt like a dream. Everything was the same, yet everything felt different. It didn't really seem real. But we got Jet's Pizza for lunch (hokey toots was it good!) and I did some laundry and unpacked. Tacos were the obvious dinner choice and they did not fail to satisfy! YUM.
Friday and Saturday we went camping with my mom's side of the family. That was good, but often overwhelming. Everything is noisier here, and I really struggled with that. And for some reason, the fireworks were WAY too much for me to handle.
Sunday was a bit overwhelming as well with church and seeing more family, but it was good too. Good to be back worshiping at Haven and so good to see my dad's side.
Monday-Saturday were filled with seeing friends, but also filled with some spiritual battle. I think Satan really got in my head and I was just plagued with this ugly lukewarmness. So quickly I lost my passion for anything and was filled with SO much confusion. Suddenly instead of saying "when I go back," I started saying, "if I go back." And it wasn't that I was completely stepping outside of God's will. I still wanted to do it. But for some reason I lost all sense of calling for Lesotho. All the things that had tugged on my heart before were just ideas rather than dreams. It's amazing how quickly we can be deceived, and I am SO grateful that my parents recognized this in me and were bold enough to remind me of my dreams and the calling that they so clearly see in me. So now I'm "back on track." Every day has been different. Some days the busyness of life doesn't get to me. But there are moments that are completely overwhelming too, like when I spent 15 minutes in Walmart and left crying because it was just too much. But God has a beautiful way of soothing my soul too, like in beautiful conversations with a homeless man who prayed for me, the joy that comes from seeing my nephew, and the sweet fellowship of friendships that reach down to the heart.
So as it has been since January 10, each day is a roller coaster of emotions. But it's good. The Lord is good. And even when I lose sight of Him, He is quick to sing sweetly over me and remind me of His perfect love.
I would love prayers for my heart, for protection from lies and the war that is going on. I would love prayers for clarity and open doors for me to go back soon. I treasure your support.
May the Lord bless you and keep you!
P.S. I didn't proof-read this. Be forgiving of mistakes or pure heart writings that don't really make sense.
