In one month, I am moving home. I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to
these mountains that surround me 360ยบ, teaching me what it is to praise...
these sunsets that woo me and can soothe the most weary of souls...
these stars that literally sparkle like diamonds and remind me that there is so much more than my here and now...
this endless sky that gives room for heart’s breath, mind’s wonder, soul’s rest…
the red dirt that stains my shoes and tells me I’m no longer in the busyness of the city...
the sparrows in their simple beauty, teaching me to sing, no matter the weather...
the man who lives in that tiny tin shack with lace curtains, the happiest person I’ve ever seen...
I’m not ready to say goodbye to
my kids who have crawled into every nook and cranny of my heart, teaching me a love I didn’t even know was possible…
my mothers who have laughed, cried, comforted, and rejoiced with me, taught me what faith is, what trust is, what hope is, what joy is…
my friends who have looked out for me, encouraged me, taught me passion, shown me pieces of life and love I hadn’t known before…
my church who has taught me how to worship, dance, pray…
my African home, people, country, life…
In one month, I am moving home. I’m not ready.
And yet, I know without a doubt that this is what my Lord is asking. I spent a lot of time praying, a lot of time fighting and questioning. My heart was so ready to make a forever home here, and in ways, it already began to do so. Yet God has different plans. And honestly, He hasn’t revealed much, but only promised that there are plans, and going back to Michigan is the first step. I know it is right. There is so much peace and so much to look forward to. But the grief of leaving is overwhelming. I would have never chosen to leave if I wasn’t certain that it was my Jesus asking me to. My heart has broken in this place, been poured out in this place, fallen so deeply in love in this place. Taking a heart that has been so joyfully scattered in this country and bringing it back to Michigan seems nearly impossible.
Nonetheless, on the 11th of April, I will be flying from this beautiful land I have rooted myself in and will be starting over. I trust that God has great things in store. I am excited to see what life holds. But this has been the hardest yes, the biggest leap of faith.
God continues to be enough, continues to hold me and guide me. There have been a lot of other hard things I’ve been walking and working through these past couple months, but He is faithfully sustaining me, even on days when I am certain I cannot make it through. I’m learning that there are seasons where God gives daily bread, but seemingly nothing more. In these times, the only way to remain standing is in deep dependence on Him. In our weakness, He is strong. When words and body fail, the Holy Spirit speaks on our behalf. And God still brings joy, laughter, love, and light in the midst of all this heartbreak. He is gentle and kind, compassionate and gracious. He is the only thing worth running to.
I cherish your prayers. I will be honest and say that I am scared. Emotionally I’m very fragile and susceptible to the enemy’s lies. I cannot do this without people holding me up before the Father. Thank you to those of you who have been so incredibly faithful in that.
In all of this…all these feelings, fears, emotions, trials, I just pray that God might be glorified. I know He can take what little I have and make it something beautiful.
“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24-25
