Two Weeks

I will be home in two weeks.

Hokey toots.

It hardly seems possible that six months has already gone by. It hardly seems real that I will be in Michigan in fourteen days.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about it. There is part of me that is ready to be home. I'm ready for family, friends, clean water, summer, mexican food... But in the same breath, I am not ready to leave at all. As much as Michigan is home, Lesotho is becoming that. I'm not ready to leave my babies and mommies. I'm not ready to leave the newly formed relationships, the sense of community, the joy and fulfillment found in each day.

If the Lord allows it, I'm coming back. And I think He will. I see so many opportunities here for ministry, so many areas where my heart just aches to be here and share truth! I know there are opportunities in the US as well, but my heart has taken root in the African soil and I really think God is going to do something beautiful here in Lesotho, and shoots! I wanna be a part of it!! I pray I can come back sooner than later. The hope of return makes saying goodbye a little easier, but not knowing when is difficult too.

I think I'm in denial, really. And I don't know if that will help or hurt me. I suppose only time can tell.

In the meantime, I cherish your prayers. Prayers for wisdom, trust, a smooth transition. Prayers for open doors, the funds to come back, and patience in the waiting. If I had it my way, I would be back within the next six months. But God may have a different plan, and I pray I may be content with whatever He decides. Thank you for the support shown, the notes written, the prayers sent up on my behalf. I am blessed to have such a beautiful cloud of witnesses! 

To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!

Rights

As I continue to prepare for my return to the US, I am reading this wonderful book called "Re-Entry" by Peter Jordan. This book helps both long and short term missionaries transition back home. So while I sit and read under five blankets to keep warm, this sentence has hit me square between the eyes. 

"You have no rights; you surrendered them to the Lord Jesus." 

Woah. 

Think about that for a minute. I know we often talk about surrender and laying things down before God, but what does it mean to say that we have no rights?

I think surrender had been downplayed. It's become this sweet offering from two small hands, laying down whatever fits in them before the throne of God. And that's part of it. But to have no rights is to be completely stripped of everything. This isn't some sweet gift. This isn't just the small things. This is everything. 

Don't get me wrong, it's really important to give the small things to Him. But so often that is where we end it. With the small things. 

What about the big things? Are we really willing to lay down our rights, or are we more comfortable to hand over the job interview, the exam, the newer car?

Let's look at it this way...

You do not have a right to marriage. 

You do not have a right to children. 

You do not have a right to your college of choice. 

You do not have a right to a steady job. 

You do not have a right to a nice house. 

You do not have a right to clean water. 

You do not have a right to health. 

You do not have a right to a heated home. 

You do not have a right to a car. 

You do not have a right to make ends meet. 

Shoot, the great commission doesn't even give you "the right to remain silent!" ;)

Now, many of us have most, if not all of these things. But that is only by the Grace of God. You aren't entitled to them. He gives them as gifts because He is a generous God. But really, the only right we have is to the promise of Immanuel - God with us. Is that really enough?

I have been wrestling with this idea for awhile now as I consider what the next step in ministry looks like. Am I truly willing to be stripped of everything and let Him be my everything? Chances are He won't take it all, but He has the authority to do so! I committed my life, my rights to Him and He may do what He pleases. Shoots, He is GOD! Even if I didn't consciously hand them over, He still has the right to take them. 

I am learning to let go of my sense of entitlement. Though I would love to get married and be a mommy, those aren't things I am promised. Though I would love to find a place to call home, I know for a fact that no place will ever be that for me. My citizenship is in heaven. My inheritance isn't on this earth. My rights are with God and comfort, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction, and true rest don't come until I meet Him face to face. So in the meantime, is that hope enough? Is this relationship I share with my Savior and Friend worth everything else?

I would love to say yes. I really would. But I am actually scared senseless of what true surrender means. Maybe you can relate. 

I know in my heart of hearts that He is worth it. I know deep in my soul that letting go of it all is the most beautiful thing we can do because it means that our hands are full of Christ and nothing else. But my heart of flesh trembles and grieves at what that could look like. It could look like the American dream for all I know, but it could also look like a one room rondavel, fetching water that isn't safe to drink, estranged from my family and friends back home, and living in the midst of severe poverty. 

Am I in? Do I trust Him enough to let Him have everything else? 

I am working on it. I am redefining surrender, redefining what my rights are, and I am praying that I have the faith to be okay with whatever comes my way. I am learning from Paul who learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Surrender makes me want to throw up. Be honest with yourself...doesn't it make you sick to your stomach to think of what you might lose?

But right after my earthly self gets past that nauseating feeling, the best thing happens. I see what I am gaining and my soul leaps within me at the impossibly beautiful life that could stem from being stripped of everything worldly. If I let go of all of these sin stained feelings of entitlement, if I let go of the world and pursue my Beloved, I know that great beauty awaits me. If I have nothing of the world, what does that leave me?

Everything of eternity. HOW BEAUTIFUL!!

So I still have no clue what comes down the road. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I want it to be touched by eternity. I know that I want to lay it all down so I can pick up the exquisite gift of life lived fully with my Lord. 

I would love prayers for this time of transition. Thank you, friends, for supporting me!

Cape Town and Other Thoughts

This past week, my housemate Brittany and I went on a little getaway to Cape Town for her birthday. 

Sandwiched by mountain and sea, I was humbled by my own insignificance and basked in God's glorious majesty. My friends, our God is SO creative. That may seem like a silly statement...obviously He is creative. But HOKEY TOOTS. There is so much to explore in this world, so many things that literally take your breath away. The moments of breathtaking beauty I experienced while in Cape Town are far too many to count.

We saw penguins, seals, baboons, possibly a whale (it was really far away...but we are pretty sure we saw one!) waterfalls, beautiful flowers, exquisite shells, and endless blue sea and sky.

We did a lot of hiking and stayed busy for the five days we were there, but oh my friends, it was such a lovely trip. This world has so much to see, but our time to see it is so limited. I'm really glad that heaven is for eternity, because I bet there is going to be SO much to explore, and even more beautiful than the slices of heaven we get to see here on earth.

Luckily there were no emus to attack me (;

Perfection. So many moments of perfection.

As wonderful as it was to get away and see more of God's creation, it was also really nice to be back home this week. With only a month left, I want to savor each day. This weekend I have had the house to myself as the rest of the crew went away for a couple days. It's been so good to take time to be still, to sit in the sun and delight in God's peace. I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about what the next chapter looks like, and though I don't have complete confidence, I see where God is moving. Speaking of moving, hokey toots it's really windy today! Our windows are rattling, leaves are circling around on the ground, and big dust clouds are blowing through the neighborhood. That doesn't really apply to anything else except to give a taste of what the weather is like. Anywho...

I'm looking forward to being home, but frightened at the same time. A friend of mine who is studying abroad next year said it well. She told me, "It is just hard because I know what I am leaving, but I don't know what I am stepping into, except for knowing that God will be with me." In a reverse kind of way, that is how I feel about coming home. I've grown and changed as a person, and BG has become a kind of a home to me. So now I don't fully know what I am stepping into when I go back to Michigan, except that God is with me. 

But that is the key. His presence is not limited by physical time and space, so no matter where I am or how I feel about it, He remains constant through the inconsistency of my life. Praise His perfect name for that! As I prepare my heart to go back home, I am reminding myself that even if I "take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there His hand shall lead me, and His right hand shall hold me." My friends, where can we flee from His presence? There is no such place where He isn't there. And though that doesn't always sound so comforting, what a blessing it is to know that our Dad meets us at every possible turn, correcting us when we go down a dark alley, and opening our eyes to the lovely things He has placed on the path of Life.

Though I may only have a month left in Lesotho, I rejoice in knowing that I still have an eternity with my Beloved.

Saying Yes

Once again, I apologize for the lack of postage. When life seems "normal", it's hard to remember to blog about it. But here is just a blurb of what has been on my mind as of late...

With less than 50 days left, my brain feels like scrambled eggs anytime I think about what comes next. I so badly want to know, to plan, to prepare. I have wishes and desires, big dreams and small ones, but I just want to be told which ones are coming next. However, God hasn't been doing that.

I'm learning what it means to follow. I thought I knew. I thought I knew how to say yes to God's call. But in fact I am an amateur. Sure I'm here, but He made this Act I very clear. Act II isn't even coming in scenes, but in single lines. I know I want to see the end of the show, to be a part of it, but He hasn't given me the rest of the plot, He's just asked me to act. So I'm learning what yes looks like. I'm learning how to accept the role before knowing the part. Like Abraham, I know God is calling me to something awesome, but He hasn't given it a name. It's simply "the place I will show you." 

Clarity hasn't come. Ideas have, but concrete answers are eluding me. So I'm just saying yes. Wherever He brings me, I'm saying yes. Instead of looking down the corridor and asking for all 5 doors to be swinging wide, I'm in the hallway, knowing that there are more doors, but waiting for the very first one to open. And hopefully I can learn to be content with that.

An Unusual Morning: Round 2

Today is Worker's Day, the equivalance of Labor Day in the US. So having the day "off", a few of us volunteers decided to switch up our normal routine and do some painting. We are in the process of getting new, more secure fences up around campus, but first they must all be painted. Twice. We have a lot to do. So Terp, Brittany, one of our office workers, and myself were all working together to make a little more ground on the task. These fences are called Devil's Forks...and rightfully so.

As Terp and I moved some panels to make room for our finished ones, The prong of the devils fork caught my shoe. Hearing the rip, my first thought was, "Oh shoot. My Converse!" 

Then I notice it had gone through my sock as well. It had hurt, and I saw a small spot of blood on my sock, however I thought I had just broken some skin. But to be sure, I took off the shoe, took of the sock, and I beheld a very gruesome sight. A cut, one inch long, and close to half as wide marked my foot with a puddle of blood to give it some color. I wasn't so concerned about my shoes anymore...

I walked very slowly back to my house, had Terp clean up some of the blood, and then decided after a little bit of debate that I would need stitches. So just before noon, we headed to Maseru Private, right around the corner. The staff was so great and light hearted. The doctor said, "Well, I am going now to get a saw. We will need to cut the foot. I will be right back." Hahah! I also got scolded for not wearing boots...woops. But after the sting of the antiseptic and the endless poking of the numbing needle, I watched them sew me back up! Terp and I also got to watch a little TV! Haven't done that in a while! 

And I can't help but show the picture before the stitches... Sorry if this grosses you out.

I'm home and quite fine. But shoots! What a week of new experiences it has been! From bowing emus, kudu chili, and my first time getting stitches. What can I say? This is Africa.

An Unusual Morning

Life has been just life lately. Sometimes I am at a loss of what to write because everything feels so normal. However, I do have a rather funny experience to share!

My housemate Brittany and I went for a little getaway this weekend to just relax and recharge. We went to a small game park in South Africa called Templehof where they have baby lions to hold! So fun! On Saturday night, we went to bed early so we could watch the sunrise over the beautiful South African mountains. We went to the balcony of the lodge but couldn't see much, so we went down to a small play area on the swing set. It wasn't long before the emus came... We knew them to have a poor sense of personal space, so as they started getting closer we didn't think much of it. We were told they were more afraid of us than we are of them. But how the tables turned...

Soon they were far too close for comfort, and despite our attempts to shoo them away, they continued to come closer. Much much closer. Now but three feet away, Brittany found refuge on the top of the  merry-go-round while I stood atop a swing, hoping our height would add some intimidation. Brittany was safe, but the two emus got closer and closer to me, my heart beating faster and faster. But then, the strangest thing happened... The one closest to me began to crouch. I don't think emus can jump, but it sure looked like he was ready to pounce! But the other one followed suit. So there I stood on the swing, two emus kneeling in front of me, still way too close for comfort, but there they sat. One inched closer while the other came around the back side of me. I had this great fear that they were ganging up  on me and were gonna start hammering away at my flesh any minute. They didn't peck, but they began bumping me with their necks and faces while I pleaded for Brittany to do something. As one began fluffing his feathers, Brittany hopped down from her perch, successfully shooing them away enough for me to get to a higher spot. As we stood there puzzled by what we just saw, one emu walked away. The other, however, kept his eye on us, feathers fluffed, and very slowly circling our jungle gym of refuge. I did my best to enjoy the sunrise, but I had a hard time slowing down my heart after thinking I was going to be pecked to death. The light stretched across the sky, the emu was far enough away for us to make an escape, and we quickly relinquished to our cozy rondavel by the lion cage. My heart restored to its normal pace as I enjoyed a rusk and a cup of tea. 

We found out at breakfast that the kneeling was actually a sign of respect. They said they were welcoming me and saw me as an authority. What!? Though this may be true, I have decided that I do not like emus, despite how much they seem to like me. But hey, I'm in the animal kingdom club now! I've got birds bowing to me! 

An Overdue Update

Hello! Hi. This is long overdue. Sorry.

These past few weeks have been such a whirlwind! Since my last post, a team of 21 came from my church which included my parents and boyfriend. It was such a blessing to have them here to experience life as I have been living it. Though it was overwhelming at times to have my two worlds collide, it was also so beautiful to see them understanding why I love it here so much. I know this post will not do it justice, but time is limited and there are too many words to be written.

They came on the 29th and it was such a joyous reunion. My mom got to work with me in my house, and my dad and Brooks also got opportunity to pop in on my "normal" life, as well as help out on campus and at Beautiful Gardens. We were able to see a bit more of the country on day trips and evening getaways, and those moments were so refreshing. To end the week, I joined the team for a two day safari in South Africa. Let me tell you, it was incredible! Though we didn't see everything we were hoping to, I loved soaking in all of God's creativity and handiwork. Even just the landscape around us was enough to cause awe. They left on the 7th, and though it was difficult to have to say goodbye again, it also marked me being half way! Hokey toots! I had a lot of fear that when they left I would feel very alone, but I was pleased to find out that instead I felt very encouraged. A member of the team said something that really lightened my spirit. I feel silly for not being able to remember what it was, but whatever she said replaced fear with a great sense of calm and hope in the fact that I now have an even bigger cloud of witnesses who understand and can support me. The first few days were still a bit lonely and quiet, but The Lord blessed me with such deep joy in my work here. I wish I had time to write more. Though the week was crazy, it was also such a gift to have the three people I love most experience my day to day life.

Another big event became two. The last Friday that the Haven team was here, we said goodbye to two of our precious children. Their sister called and said she was coming to pick them up, so just as soon as she called, they were taken away. This was such a hard departure for so many. For Brittany (one of my housemates) and I, it meant two less kids in the soft play room where we work in the morning. We had really been working hard with these two to reach their milestones as they are quite behind, so we had really bonded with them. For their housemother, it meant saying goodbye to her children. And for so many others on campus, it was a day of heartache, for the nature of their departure was uncertain and not very hopeful. However, now the event has become two! A week later, we received calls from their neighborhood that they were not being looked after well, so our social worker brought them back home, and home it truly is. They adjusted very easily back into life at Beautiful Gate, and though we grieve whatever they must have experienced in that week away, we rejoice in knowing that this is not defeat. God has brought them back to good hands, and now they will be on their way through the adoption process! The sorrow of the goodbyes made the joy of the hellos even greater, and I praise our Lord for His mighty plan.

Life otherwise has just been life. There are beautiful moments of joy, moments of exhaustion, moments of sorrow, but above all else, each moment is a moment of grace. For this reason we praise. I am so excited to take time during this Holy Week to just spend with my savior, and I hope you can find the time to do the same. As my kids so enthusiastically say, "God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!"