Broken

I have found myself utterly broken.

It has been almost 3 months since I left my home in Lesotho, and I have had a really rough time being home in Michigan.

I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I just feel so incredibly empty.
My soul is dry and weary, I feel burdened and tired, and my spirit struggles to find peace.
I feel dashed upon the rocks and completely helpless.
Though this past month has been better than the first two, I haven't really been myself.

Tonight my parents and I had a time for prayer with a few members of our church. And friends... It was so good. We came to ask for prayer to sell our house (a HUGE obstacle that will take nothing short of a miracle) but I really felt like it was time to just be honest and vulnerable and say that I am at probably the lowest point of my life right now. And I wept. I don't think I have blubbered like that since 4th grade. Through the tears and snot, there was an overwhelming sense of love. I feel like I was finally able to just break down all that I have been trying to hold in, and the people around me so gently caught all the pieces and just held me together with the sweet love of my Lord. The baggage and burden and grief I have been carrying spilled out with tremendous force and I was able to leave it there. I know this is only the very very beginning of healing, but it came at just the right time. God surrounded our family when we were at such desperate places. Though we were wrestling with different things (the discouragement and burden of the house and the burden of whatever this is I'm feeling) we were given such grace, such encouragement. We all left tonight feeling beautiful hope. The emotional anxieties over the house and over processing so much change was shared with people who have God's heart. It was so rich, so necessary.

This isn't the end, however. Though we feel great encouragement and hope, we are still in need of desperate prayer. We feel very strongly about being at Beautiful Gate by the end of the year, and believe me when I tell you that it is almost humanly impossible for our house to sell by then. I ask too for deep prayer for myself. I am at a place where I truly cannot do it on my own and need others lifting me up.

So friends, please pray with and for us. Pray that God would move mountains so that our house can sell. Pray that our hearts would be protected from anxiety, fear, distraction. And I pray too for healing from this deep brokenness. We covet your support. This is absolutely impossible without our Lord and His people. We wait with great expectation to see Him move, for we know He will.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord right where we are. Amen.

Update!

Hello!

It's about time for a little update. And by little, I really mean big.

Since my last post a lot has happened, but many things also remain the same.

Let's start with what has happened.

Though I haven't received a big neon sign saying "what, when, how," I have been given the peace and assurance that I am, in fact, going back. I am currently shooting for the second week of December. Upon arriving, I will be house/cat sitting for a missionary friend as she heads back to the US for a four or five month furlough. Tickets haven't been bought, but in my head, that's what I have settled on. Things may change slightly between now and then, but that is the tentative plan.

Other news, and probably more exciting.....

MY PARENTS ARE COMING WITH ME!

I won't go into all the details of how they came to the decision, but my parents will be serving at Beautiful Gate with a commitment of two years. Their date of departure may differ from mine depending on how tying up all of our loose ends go. So we are packing up, selling the house, and moving to Lesotho! (If you know anyone who wants to live downtown Holland, let us know!) My mom will be serving as Operations Manager and hopes to spend some time working with the kids as well, and my dad will be serving as chaplain. It is truly incredible to see how God has been shaping their lives to perfectly lead them to BG. If you get a chance, ask them about it. It's beautiful. 

So now the things that haven't changed.

I will, indeed, be going back to Beautiful Gate as well, but I also hope to get involved with my church there. My role is much less defined than my parents. That is kind of intimidating. But the church I attended has some awesome ministries that I would love to be a part of, specifically ministering in the mountains. I am also currently doing online seminary training, so that is another piece of the puzzle. My heart longs to spread truth. That is one need that I saw and desired so strongly to aid. In short, I am going to Lesotho to be available. I am an empty page ready for God to start writing on. Truth be told, that scares me, but I am also so excited to have the flexibility to move as God directs.

And now some of the more "poetic" thoughts I had today...

For one of my classes, I am reading "The Knowledge of the Holy" by AW Tozer. Here are a few lines that really struck me.

"Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him."

"God constantly encourages us to trust Him in the dark. 'I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron: and I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel . . . What I am is all that need matter to you, for there lie your hope and your peace. I will do what I will do, and it will all come to light at last, but how I do it is My secret. Trust me, and be not afraid."

I cannot describe how I felt while I read this today. He is beautiful beyond what words could ever say. My heart is so full that the love He has poured into my soul is leaking from my eyes in holy tears. His embrace is so warm that my cheeks are rosy and flush. I have not words to express my gratitude, no words to apologize for all my wrongs. Yet my spirit leaps and is satisfied in knowing that He has made me whole, that He has stripped me of my clothes stained and torn, and after humbling me to great vulnerability, hath cloaked me in the righteous robe of redemption. So though I desire nothing more than to be far-sighted, scanning the broad horizon set before me, I know He has created me to be near-sighted with great intention: to trust Him for each step, to marvel at the small details of life, and to surrender all control to Him, the perfect guide and companion. 

I'm striving to trust Him in the dark, striving to trust and not be afraid. Two years is a lot longer than six months. Not knowing exactly what I will be doing makes me nauseous at times. But my hope and peace lie in all that God is: unchanging, omnipotent, wise, infinite.

I will continue to ask prayers for open doors and a spirit of willingness. And as a family, we ask prayer for the funds to make this possible, the perfect buyer for our house, and the emotional and spiritual preparation for this grand adventure. 

And my prayer for you is that you too would experience this great richness that can only be found in our Lord and Savior, a richness that moves you to tears of beautiful love and delight.

Blessings and abundant peace,

Grace

Adjusting (Warning: it's a long one)

I have been home for almost 2 weeks now. And what a 2 weeks it has been.

I will backtrack just a bit to tell y'all about my last few days in Africa.

My last post was after our farewell ceremony on Friday, June 27.
That Saturday and Sunday were filled with packing, farewells to friends, and more packing.

*Precious moment:
On Saturday, I went down to afternoon playgroup to soak up a few more moments with my kids. Within the first 3 minutes, I was crying. One of my little boys came running up to me and just latched on like a monkey, as he always does. So we sat down and I never wanted to let him go. Upon seeing me crying, our oldest girl came up to me, rubbed my back and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace. Pephi." (Pephi meaning sorry.) Of course that made me cry even more to receive such nurturing from a child so young, but they were good tears.

I digress.

Sunday was an emotional day, but I did my best to distract myself. To be honest, I didn't really want to be on campus at all. Every time I saw my kids, I just wanted to cry. So I hid in the house and went out for the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.

Monday morning brought the last minute packing, and the final goodbyes. Terp and I went through all the houses to say goodbye to the housemothers. Saying goodbye to mine was no fun at all. In many ways, they really were my mothers while mine was on the other side of the world. Oh they hold such a dear place in my heart! But the kids were the hardest. They were down at playgroup, so we went in with the little ones first, kissing their slobbery faces and squeezing them one last time while they pulled our hair. Then on to the older ones...ugh. My older kids knew what was happening. One asked if he could come with, one just clung tight, and one wanted nothing to do with me. That was the hardest. Abandonment is something I absolutely hate, and that's what I felt like I was doing to her, and she knew it. And she was mad. It broke my heart that she didn't even look at me. (Annnd I'm crying again. Shootskies.)

We packed everything up, said our cheesy farewells to the pond frogs, yellow grass, termites... and off we went to a lodge about an hour away in South Africa. As we drove further and further from Lesotho, further and further from the mountains, my heart just kind of sank. It was happening, and I wasn't really ready for it. But the following two days were full of rest, processing, peace. In the middle of nowhere, Corana is the perfect place to unwind and work through emotions. I certainly didn't get through them all, but it was good to have a few days before heading home to just be still. Wednesday morning we loaded up again and drove the 5 hours to Johannesburg where we took off around 8 p.m. Unfortunately the electrical was all messed up in the plane, so the entertainment system was down and we didn't have any control over the lights. They were either all on, or all off. Luckily though, Terp and I had the seat between us empty, so we could stretch out and get some much needed sleep. We also got our first taste of "reverse culture shock" when we heard everyone complaining and griping about not having movies. It certainly was a disappointment, but not worth all the fuss many people were making about it. As the plane took off, I had a terrible feeling in me. Forgive my dramatic emotions, but it kind of felt like I left my heart there on the runway and my body left without it. Cheesy, but true nonetheless.

We arrived in Atlanta around 6:15 a.m., enjoyed a Mexican breakfast and smoothie (two things we didn't have in Lesotho) and were in Grand Rapids by 11:30. I feel bad for my family, because they made this nice poster for me and were so excited to see me, and I just...wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome to see them, but like I said, my heart felt like it had been left in Africa. But homeward we went. It felt like a dream. Everything was the same, yet everything felt different. It didn't really seem real. But we got Jet's Pizza for lunch (hokey toots was it good!) and I did some laundry and unpacked. Tacos were the obvious dinner choice and they did not fail to satisfy! YUM.

Friday and Saturday we went camping with my mom's side of the family. That was good, but often overwhelming. Everything is noisier here, and I really struggled with that. And for some reason, the fireworks were WAY too much for me to handle.

Sunday was a bit overwhelming as well with church and seeing more family, but it was good too. Good to be back worshiping at Haven and so good to see my dad's side.

Monday-Saturday were filled with seeing friends, but also filled with some spiritual battle. I think Satan really got in my head and I was just plagued with this ugly lukewarmness. So quickly I lost my passion for anything and was filled with SO much confusion. Suddenly instead of saying "when I go back," I started saying, "if I go back." And it wasn't that I was completely stepping outside of God's will. I still wanted to do it. But for some reason I lost all sense of calling for Lesotho. All the things that had tugged on my heart before were just ideas rather than dreams. It's amazing how quickly we can be deceived, and I am SO grateful that my parents recognized this in me and were bold enough to remind me of my dreams and the calling that they so clearly see in me. So now I'm "back on track." Every day has been different. Some days the busyness of life doesn't get to me. But there are moments that are completely overwhelming too, like when I spent 15 minutes in Walmart and left crying because it was just too much. But God has a beautiful way of soothing my soul too, like in beautiful conversations with a homeless man who prayed for me, the joy that comes from seeing my nephew, and the sweet fellowship of friendships that reach down to the heart.

So as it has been since January 10, each day is a roller coaster of emotions. But it's good. The Lord is good. And even when I lose sight of Him, He is quick to sing sweetly over me and remind me of His perfect love.

I would love prayers for my heart, for protection from lies and the war that is going on. I would love prayers for clarity and open doors for me to go back soon. I treasure your support.

May the Lord bless you and keep you!


P.S. I didn't proof-read this. Be forgiving of mistakes or pure heart writings that don't really make sense.

Farewells

Yesterday morning, Terp and I had our farewell ceremony at BG. My goodness was it beautiful.

Unlike any other ceremony, the staff all dressed up in their traditional wear, all the kids were there, and we were given a beautiful presentation of singing and dancing by the Bo Mme. The overall emotion was honor. I felt so incredibly honored. Though I cried a LOT, I was filled with so much joy, too. It was impossible to not feel loved. My housemother spoke to me as well as a couple other staff members, and my heart swelled with gratitude. 

Friends, I cannot even tell you how much my heart aches. Though I am so excited to see loved ones, I feel as though I am leaving home. And I don't know when I can come back. Don't take offense to this, but I'm praying The Lord lets me return as quick as possible. It grieves me to think about saying goodbye to my family and friends again, but other than those precious relationships, there isn't much about the US that I want. I love Lesotho. This "kingdom in the sky" is full of rich beauty. Everywhere you go, you are surrounded by mountains and cannot help but praise the Maker. It's impossible to miss Him. The people are so joyful, the culture so warm. And I truly believe that God is on the brink of something amazing. I don't want to miss that. I want to be a part of the revival and the bringing of truth to this land. So take this as a bit of a spoiler alert: I'm probably coming back soon.

I have more to say, but my kids are playing outside, and the opportunities to be with them are running scarce. I will be at a lodge in South Africa from Monday-Wednesday and am arriving home on Thursday. Until then, prayers for safety would be much appreciated, and prayers for a soothed heart would be appreciated even more. Thank you, my friends!

Two Weeks

I will be home in two weeks.

Hokey toots.

It hardly seems possible that six months has already gone by. It hardly seems real that I will be in Michigan in fourteen days.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about it. There is part of me that is ready to be home. I'm ready for family, friends, clean water, summer, mexican food... But in the same breath, I am not ready to leave at all. As much as Michigan is home, Lesotho is becoming that. I'm not ready to leave my babies and mommies. I'm not ready to leave the newly formed relationships, the sense of community, the joy and fulfillment found in each day.

If the Lord allows it, I'm coming back. And I think He will. I see so many opportunities here for ministry, so many areas where my heart just aches to be here and share truth! I know there are opportunities in the US as well, but my heart has taken root in the African soil and I really think God is going to do something beautiful here in Lesotho, and shoots! I wanna be a part of it!! I pray I can come back sooner than later. The hope of return makes saying goodbye a little easier, but not knowing when is difficult too.

I think I'm in denial, really. And I don't know if that will help or hurt me. I suppose only time can tell.

In the meantime, I cherish your prayers. Prayers for wisdom, trust, a smooth transition. Prayers for open doors, the funds to come back, and patience in the waiting. If I had it my way, I would be back within the next six months. But God may have a different plan, and I pray I may be content with whatever He decides. Thank you for the support shown, the notes written, the prayers sent up on my behalf. I am blessed to have such a beautiful cloud of witnesses! 

To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!

Rights

As I continue to prepare for my return to the US, I am reading this wonderful book called "Re-Entry" by Peter Jordan. This book helps both long and short term missionaries transition back home. So while I sit and read under five blankets to keep warm, this sentence has hit me square between the eyes. 

"You have no rights; you surrendered them to the Lord Jesus." 

Woah. 

Think about that for a minute. I know we often talk about surrender and laying things down before God, but what does it mean to say that we have no rights?

I think surrender had been downplayed. It's become this sweet offering from two small hands, laying down whatever fits in them before the throne of God. And that's part of it. But to have no rights is to be completely stripped of everything. This isn't some sweet gift. This isn't just the small things. This is everything. 

Don't get me wrong, it's really important to give the small things to Him. But so often that is where we end it. With the small things. 

What about the big things? Are we really willing to lay down our rights, or are we more comfortable to hand over the job interview, the exam, the newer car?

Let's look at it this way...

You do not have a right to marriage. 

You do not have a right to children. 

You do not have a right to your college of choice. 

You do not have a right to a steady job. 

You do not have a right to a nice house. 

You do not have a right to clean water. 

You do not have a right to health. 

You do not have a right to a heated home. 

You do not have a right to a car. 

You do not have a right to make ends meet. 

Shoot, the great commission doesn't even give you "the right to remain silent!" ;)

Now, many of us have most, if not all of these things. But that is only by the Grace of God. You aren't entitled to them. He gives them as gifts because He is a generous God. But really, the only right we have is to the promise of Immanuel - God with us. Is that really enough?

I have been wrestling with this idea for awhile now as I consider what the next step in ministry looks like. Am I truly willing to be stripped of everything and let Him be my everything? Chances are He won't take it all, but He has the authority to do so! I committed my life, my rights to Him and He may do what He pleases. Shoots, He is GOD! Even if I didn't consciously hand them over, He still has the right to take them. 

I am learning to let go of my sense of entitlement. Though I would love to get married and be a mommy, those aren't things I am promised. Though I would love to find a place to call home, I know for a fact that no place will ever be that for me. My citizenship is in heaven. My inheritance isn't on this earth. My rights are with God and comfort, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction, and true rest don't come until I meet Him face to face. So in the meantime, is that hope enough? Is this relationship I share with my Savior and Friend worth everything else?

I would love to say yes. I really would. But I am actually scared senseless of what true surrender means. Maybe you can relate. 

I know in my heart of hearts that He is worth it. I know deep in my soul that letting go of it all is the most beautiful thing we can do because it means that our hands are full of Christ and nothing else. But my heart of flesh trembles and grieves at what that could look like. It could look like the American dream for all I know, but it could also look like a one room rondavel, fetching water that isn't safe to drink, estranged from my family and friends back home, and living in the midst of severe poverty. 

Am I in? Do I trust Him enough to let Him have everything else? 

I am working on it. I am redefining surrender, redefining what my rights are, and I am praying that I have the faith to be okay with whatever comes my way. I am learning from Paul who learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

Surrender makes me want to throw up. Be honest with yourself...doesn't it make you sick to your stomach to think of what you might lose?

But right after my earthly self gets past that nauseating feeling, the best thing happens. I see what I am gaining and my soul leaps within me at the impossibly beautiful life that could stem from being stripped of everything worldly. If I let go of all of these sin stained feelings of entitlement, if I let go of the world and pursue my Beloved, I know that great beauty awaits me. If I have nothing of the world, what does that leave me?

Everything of eternity. HOW BEAUTIFUL!!

So I still have no clue what comes down the road. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I want it to be touched by eternity. I know that I want to lay it all down so I can pick up the exquisite gift of life lived fully with my Lord. 

I would love prayers for this time of transition. Thank you, friends, for supporting me!

Cape Town and Other Thoughts

This past week, my housemate Brittany and I went on a little getaway to Cape Town for her birthday. 

Sandwiched by mountain and sea, I was humbled by my own insignificance and basked in God's glorious majesty. My friends, our God is SO creative. That may seem like a silly statement...obviously He is creative. But HOKEY TOOTS. There is so much to explore in this world, so many things that literally take your breath away. The moments of breathtaking beauty I experienced while in Cape Town are far too many to count.

We saw penguins, seals, baboons, possibly a whale (it was really far away...but we are pretty sure we saw one!) waterfalls, beautiful flowers, exquisite shells, and endless blue sea and sky.

We did a lot of hiking and stayed busy for the five days we were there, but oh my friends, it was such a lovely trip. This world has so much to see, but our time to see it is so limited. I'm really glad that heaven is for eternity, because I bet there is going to be SO much to explore, and even more beautiful than the slices of heaven we get to see here on earth.

Luckily there were no emus to attack me (;

Perfection. So many moments of perfection.

As wonderful as it was to get away and see more of God's creation, it was also really nice to be back home this week. With only a month left, I want to savor each day. This weekend I have had the house to myself as the rest of the crew went away for a couple days. It's been so good to take time to be still, to sit in the sun and delight in God's peace. I've been spending a lot of time thinking and praying about what the next chapter looks like, and though I don't have complete confidence, I see where God is moving. Speaking of moving, hokey toots it's really windy today! Our windows are rattling, leaves are circling around on the ground, and big dust clouds are blowing through the neighborhood. That doesn't really apply to anything else except to give a taste of what the weather is like. Anywho...

I'm looking forward to being home, but frightened at the same time. A friend of mine who is studying abroad next year said it well. She told me, "It is just hard because I know what I am leaving, but I don't know what I am stepping into, except for knowing that God will be with me." In a reverse kind of way, that is how I feel about coming home. I've grown and changed as a person, and BG has become a kind of a home to me. So now I don't fully know what I am stepping into when I go back to Michigan, except that God is with me. 

But that is the key. His presence is not limited by physical time and space, so no matter where I am or how I feel about it, He remains constant through the inconsistency of my life. Praise His perfect name for that! As I prepare my heart to go back home, I am reminding myself that even if I "take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there His hand shall lead me, and His right hand shall hold me." My friends, where can we flee from His presence? There is no such place where He isn't there. And though that doesn't always sound so comforting, what a blessing it is to know that our Dad meets us at every possible turn, correcting us when we go down a dark alley, and opening our eyes to the lovely things He has placed on the path of Life.

Though I may only have a month left in Lesotho, I rejoice in knowing that I still have an eternity with my Beloved.