Tomorrow!

Well, tomorrow is the day! In 24 hours, I will be at the airport ready to check in and head off to a very grand adventure, indeed.

The overall feeling is excitement, but underneath are about 72 other feelings just floatin' around and waiting to settle. This week has been kind of emotionally charged, but God has blessed me with just enough peace, just enough joy to see me through.

At a prayer night we had on Sunday, the image came to mind of faith as a big mountain hike. You start at the bottom with excitement and a feeling of courage, ready to conquer the mountain. But you quickly realize the mountain is far bigger than you thought, and the trail more rocky and difficult than you expected. As you keep climbing, you get more and more tired and question why you ever thought you could climb the mountain in the first place. BUT. Just when you think your weary legs won't ever make it all the way, God levels the ground just enough to let you recoup, He provides a trickle of a waterfall to refresh you. So you keep going, a glimpse of the end in sight. It continues to be really difficult, and it's frustrating that God didn't keep the level ground longer or take you up an easier path. But it's the path He gave nonetheless, so you keep going, hoping the end reward is worth all the struggle. And finally, out of breath and almost in tears, you see the top. A surge of energy propels you forward and oh -- the loveliest sight.

 Peaceful blue waters, endless sky, and the promise of a distant land.

I think we often believe that when you start walking with God, the ground becomes smooth and flat. Oh contraire. I think it get's harder, your weakness more evident than before. But the end...oh the sweet end. It is more glorious than staying at the bottom, so much more rewarding than quitting half way through. For at the top is peace, at the top you see where you have been and you see where God has wanted you to be all along.

So I think I'm in the middle of my climb. I have seen a glimpse of what is to come. I have felt like turning around or just sitting and crying. But my spirit is tired yet refreshed. I know that the rest of the climb may very well be more difficult than the beginning, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of our Lord, and I know my struggle is not in vain.

I'm really excited to see where God takes me, where He guides my parents. It would be foolish to say I'm not a bit nervous about the change and the challenge, but I know too that it is always worth it. Stepping forward is always worth it.

We cherish your prayers for safe travel and for smooth transitions. We pray protection over our hearts and minds as the devil quickly tells us we aren't cut out for the hike.

Until we meet again...
Grace






Wow I'm just excited to see my kiddos.

Come Further Up

Every once in awhile, an unexpected memory of my kids pricks my heart.

Sometimes it's something really funny, like the time one of the many 2 year old boys fell asleep during play group and did the biggest head bobs I have ever seen, or any of the countless times the kids fell asleep on the toilet, or when my little stinker would climb up on the table after bath time and dance like an old man in his birthday suit.

Other times it's the memories that break your heart; the look of abandonment or the fear in the eyes of new comers.

Today it is memories of their gentle, kind, and nurturing spirits. One of our little boys who has now been reunited with his family has one of the most nurturing hearts I have ever seen (though he is a huge stinker.) He loved to help sweep the front stoop with the house mothers, carry baby dolls on his back, and scootch (is that even a real word?) the younger kids close and pretend to feed them. One of my boys is just the cuddliest, and he loved to trace my face with his brown little fingers. One of my dearest memories, though, is one that I have written about before. On one of my last days, I went out to play group to soak up a little more time with the kids. My cuddly boy jumped up into my arms and squeezed tight. So tight, in fact, that I started leaking tears (; Our oldest girl at the time (now living with her mother in Sweden!!) noticed and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace, pephi." (pephi = sorry) and she rubbed my back with her beautiful brown eyes looking into mine. Hokey toots these kids have such a capacity for love.

It is the memories like these that makes me so incredibly excited to be back. 

In just over 2 weeks, my parents and I will be on our way!! And if you haven't read the family blog (boersemablog.blogspot.com), I will give you a little update of where we are at. 

We have sold our house
We have a house ready for us when we arrive
We have furnishings for our house
We have a car
We have a dog :)
We have funding for the first year and commitments for more than half of the second year!

Praise Jesuuuus!

So, despite maybe the weight of my previous posts (I apologize. I realize I am a little dramatic at times...but they are my feelings nonetheless) I am so happy to say that there has been so much peace, so much excitement for the coming season. 

I just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday, and I want to leave you with a few thoughts/quotes from The Last Battle.

As the children reach the land of Aslan, they continually hear him calling, "Come further up, come further in!" And I think our Lord does the same. As we enter into fellowship with him, he beckons us to get closer, get deeper, run harder towards him. That is my hope in this new year and new adventure.

And just as the children faced many trials and had much fear, I too face the future with uncertainty. However, I take peace in this truth: “But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.” 

Friends, our Savior is so kind. He is SO good. And hokey toots I can't wait to come further up and further in.

Looking Forward

2014 was a whirlwind.

This time last year, I was packing up, doing coffee dates left and right, and so full of excitement.
This year, we are cleaning out the house, still doing coffee dates, and full of 101 emotions.

Much has happened, and much will happen, I suspect.

In a month, my parents and I fly out to Lesotho for this new adventure. Last time I had a fairly good idea of what it would be like. This time, just about everything feels like an unknown. My heart is open to whatever God has prepared, whether that be with the kids full time again, or branching out and doing more "evangelistic" ministry. My parents are committed to two years, and I'm there until God tells me otherwise. This could mean 2 years, 10 years, or just 1!

The Lord has stripped me of a lot, and this fall has been a huge time of growth and questions and rediscovery. I can only hope that I am being molded more in His likeness as He shatters my earthly plans and paves the way before me. It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. Giving God full reign means letting go of all plans of my own, all desires of my own. And though I know full well that it will be beautiful and good, I know too that good doesn't mean easy.

So I look towards this new year with a lot of questions and very few answers, many fears and many things to look forward to. I'm SO excited to see my kids and my "mommies", to reconnect with friends there and just be back in that beautiful country. I know God has marvelous plans and I'm pumped to see what they are. But I would love your prayers as life is changing rapidly and my heart is having a hard time keeping up.

Friends, if I have learn anything in 2014, it's that God is faithful, sovereign, and so very kind.
In 365 days, I have gone from trusting Him with everything, saying goodbye to hopes and dreams, mourning over the world's brokenness with Him, doubting His goodness altogether, feeling a million miles away, being convicted of my sin, and receiving His impossible grace that brings restoration. And through it all, He has never raised His voice at me, never showed anger. Instead He has shown me all the times He has been present in my life before, reminded me of His divine plan, and has gently cradled me in His arms. As I sat in the dust, ready to give up, He didn't shame me for sitting down but whispered lovingly, "I know. I have not called you to an easy path. I see your brokenness and love you still. So for now, I will carry you, and in a little while I will set you down and we will walk together once more." Unendingly kind. The healer of my soul. Praise Him for His goodness.

I face 2015 as a broken vessel, but a broken vessel that God sees fit for His purposes. Though I do not understand how or why, I am utterly grateful that He isn't done with me, that He didn't leave me to sit in the dust.

Thank you, friends, for your prayer and support this year. I ask it of you again and pray God would richly bless you because of it. Happy New Year!!

Broken

I have found myself utterly broken.

It has been almost 3 months since I left my home in Lesotho, and I have had a really rough time being home in Michigan.

I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I just feel so incredibly empty.
My soul is dry and weary, I feel burdened and tired, and my spirit struggles to find peace.
I feel dashed upon the rocks and completely helpless.
Though this past month has been better than the first two, I haven't really been myself.

Tonight my parents and I had a time for prayer with a few members of our church. And friends... It was so good. We came to ask for prayer to sell our house (a HUGE obstacle that will take nothing short of a miracle) but I really felt like it was time to just be honest and vulnerable and say that I am at probably the lowest point of my life right now. And I wept. I don't think I have blubbered like that since 4th grade. Through the tears and snot, there was an overwhelming sense of love. I feel like I was finally able to just break down all that I have been trying to hold in, and the people around me so gently caught all the pieces and just held me together with the sweet love of my Lord. The baggage and burden and grief I have been carrying spilled out with tremendous force and I was able to leave it there. I know this is only the very very beginning of healing, but it came at just the right time. God surrounded our family when we were at such desperate places. Though we were wrestling with different things (the discouragement and burden of the house and the burden of whatever this is I'm feeling) we were given such grace, such encouragement. We all left tonight feeling beautiful hope. The emotional anxieties over the house and over processing so much change was shared with people who have God's heart. It was so rich, so necessary.

This isn't the end, however. Though we feel great encouragement and hope, we are still in need of desperate prayer. We feel very strongly about being at Beautiful Gate by the end of the year, and believe me when I tell you that it is almost humanly impossible for our house to sell by then. I ask too for deep prayer for myself. I am at a place where I truly cannot do it on my own and need others lifting me up.

So friends, please pray with and for us. Pray that God would move mountains so that our house can sell. Pray that our hearts would be protected from anxiety, fear, distraction. And I pray too for healing from this deep brokenness. We covet your support. This is absolutely impossible without our Lord and His people. We wait with great expectation to see Him move, for we know He will.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord right where we are. Amen.

Update!

Hello!

It's about time for a little update. And by little, I really mean big.

Since my last post a lot has happened, but many things also remain the same.

Let's start with what has happened.

Though I haven't received a big neon sign saying "what, when, how," I have been given the peace and assurance that I am, in fact, going back. I am currently shooting for the second week of December. Upon arriving, I will be house/cat sitting for a missionary friend as she heads back to the US for a four or five month furlough. Tickets haven't been bought, but in my head, that's what I have settled on. Things may change slightly between now and then, but that is the tentative plan.

Other news, and probably more exciting.....

MY PARENTS ARE COMING WITH ME!

I won't go into all the details of how they came to the decision, but my parents will be serving at Beautiful Gate with a commitment of two years. Their date of departure may differ from mine depending on how tying up all of our loose ends go. So we are packing up, selling the house, and moving to Lesotho! (If you know anyone who wants to live downtown Holland, let us know!) My mom will be serving as Operations Manager and hopes to spend some time working with the kids as well, and my dad will be serving as chaplain. It is truly incredible to see how God has been shaping their lives to perfectly lead them to BG. If you get a chance, ask them about it. It's beautiful. 

So now the things that haven't changed.

I will, indeed, be going back to Beautiful Gate as well, but I also hope to get involved with my church there. My role is much less defined than my parents. That is kind of intimidating. But the church I attended has some awesome ministries that I would love to be a part of, specifically ministering in the mountains. I am also currently doing online seminary training, so that is another piece of the puzzle. My heart longs to spread truth. That is one need that I saw and desired so strongly to aid. In short, I am going to Lesotho to be available. I am an empty page ready for God to start writing on. Truth be told, that scares me, but I am also so excited to have the flexibility to move as God directs.

And now some of the more "poetic" thoughts I had today...

For one of my classes, I am reading "The Knowledge of the Holy" by AW Tozer. Here are a few lines that really struck me.

"Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him."

"God constantly encourages us to trust Him in the dark. 'I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron: and I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel . . . What I am is all that need matter to you, for there lie your hope and your peace. I will do what I will do, and it will all come to light at last, but how I do it is My secret. Trust me, and be not afraid."

I cannot describe how I felt while I read this today. He is beautiful beyond what words could ever say. My heart is so full that the love He has poured into my soul is leaking from my eyes in holy tears. His embrace is so warm that my cheeks are rosy and flush. I have not words to express my gratitude, no words to apologize for all my wrongs. Yet my spirit leaps and is satisfied in knowing that He has made me whole, that He has stripped me of my clothes stained and torn, and after humbling me to great vulnerability, hath cloaked me in the righteous robe of redemption. So though I desire nothing more than to be far-sighted, scanning the broad horizon set before me, I know He has created me to be near-sighted with great intention: to trust Him for each step, to marvel at the small details of life, and to surrender all control to Him, the perfect guide and companion. 

I'm striving to trust Him in the dark, striving to trust and not be afraid. Two years is a lot longer than six months. Not knowing exactly what I will be doing makes me nauseous at times. But my hope and peace lie in all that God is: unchanging, omnipotent, wise, infinite.

I will continue to ask prayers for open doors and a spirit of willingness. And as a family, we ask prayer for the funds to make this possible, the perfect buyer for our house, and the emotional and spiritual preparation for this grand adventure. 

And my prayer for you is that you too would experience this great richness that can only be found in our Lord and Savior, a richness that moves you to tears of beautiful love and delight.

Blessings and abundant peace,

Grace

Adjusting (Warning: it's a long one)

I have been home for almost 2 weeks now. And what a 2 weeks it has been.

I will backtrack just a bit to tell y'all about my last few days in Africa.

My last post was after our farewell ceremony on Friday, June 27.
That Saturday and Sunday were filled with packing, farewells to friends, and more packing.

*Precious moment:
On Saturday, I went down to afternoon playgroup to soak up a few more moments with my kids. Within the first 3 minutes, I was crying. One of my little boys came running up to me and just latched on like a monkey, as he always does. So we sat down and I never wanted to let him go. Upon seeing me crying, our oldest girl came up to me, rubbed my back and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace. Pephi." (Pephi meaning sorry.) Of course that made me cry even more to receive such nurturing from a child so young, but they were good tears.

I digress.

Sunday was an emotional day, but I did my best to distract myself. To be honest, I didn't really want to be on campus at all. Every time I saw my kids, I just wanted to cry. So I hid in the house and went out for the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.

Monday morning brought the last minute packing, and the final goodbyes. Terp and I went through all the houses to say goodbye to the housemothers. Saying goodbye to mine was no fun at all. In many ways, they really were my mothers while mine was on the other side of the world. Oh they hold such a dear place in my heart! But the kids were the hardest. They were down at playgroup, so we went in with the little ones first, kissing their slobbery faces and squeezing them one last time while they pulled our hair. Then on to the older ones...ugh. My older kids knew what was happening. One asked if he could come with, one just clung tight, and one wanted nothing to do with me. That was the hardest. Abandonment is something I absolutely hate, and that's what I felt like I was doing to her, and she knew it. And she was mad. It broke my heart that she didn't even look at me. (Annnd I'm crying again. Shootskies.)

We packed everything up, said our cheesy farewells to the pond frogs, yellow grass, termites... and off we went to a lodge about an hour away in South Africa. As we drove further and further from Lesotho, further and further from the mountains, my heart just kind of sank. It was happening, and I wasn't really ready for it. But the following two days were full of rest, processing, peace. In the middle of nowhere, Corana is the perfect place to unwind and work through emotions. I certainly didn't get through them all, but it was good to have a few days before heading home to just be still. Wednesday morning we loaded up again and drove the 5 hours to Johannesburg where we took off around 8 p.m. Unfortunately the electrical was all messed up in the plane, so the entertainment system was down and we didn't have any control over the lights. They were either all on, or all off. Luckily though, Terp and I had the seat between us empty, so we could stretch out and get some much needed sleep. We also got our first taste of "reverse culture shock" when we heard everyone complaining and griping about not having movies. It certainly was a disappointment, but not worth all the fuss many people were making about it. As the plane took off, I had a terrible feeling in me. Forgive my dramatic emotions, but it kind of felt like I left my heart there on the runway and my body left without it. Cheesy, but true nonetheless.

We arrived in Atlanta around 6:15 a.m., enjoyed a Mexican breakfast and smoothie (two things we didn't have in Lesotho) and were in Grand Rapids by 11:30. I feel bad for my family, because they made this nice poster for me and were so excited to see me, and I just...wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome to see them, but like I said, my heart felt like it had been left in Africa. But homeward we went. It felt like a dream. Everything was the same, yet everything felt different. It didn't really seem real. But we got Jet's Pizza for lunch (hokey toots was it good!) and I did some laundry and unpacked. Tacos were the obvious dinner choice and they did not fail to satisfy! YUM.

Friday and Saturday we went camping with my mom's side of the family. That was good, but often overwhelming. Everything is noisier here, and I really struggled with that. And for some reason, the fireworks were WAY too much for me to handle.

Sunday was a bit overwhelming as well with church and seeing more family, but it was good too. Good to be back worshiping at Haven and so good to see my dad's side.

Monday-Saturday were filled with seeing friends, but also filled with some spiritual battle. I think Satan really got in my head and I was just plagued with this ugly lukewarmness. So quickly I lost my passion for anything and was filled with SO much confusion. Suddenly instead of saying "when I go back," I started saying, "if I go back." And it wasn't that I was completely stepping outside of God's will. I still wanted to do it. But for some reason I lost all sense of calling for Lesotho. All the things that had tugged on my heart before were just ideas rather than dreams. It's amazing how quickly we can be deceived, and I am SO grateful that my parents recognized this in me and were bold enough to remind me of my dreams and the calling that they so clearly see in me. So now I'm "back on track." Every day has been different. Some days the busyness of life doesn't get to me. But there are moments that are completely overwhelming too, like when I spent 15 minutes in Walmart and left crying because it was just too much. But God has a beautiful way of soothing my soul too, like in beautiful conversations with a homeless man who prayed for me, the joy that comes from seeing my nephew, and the sweet fellowship of friendships that reach down to the heart.

So as it has been since January 10, each day is a roller coaster of emotions. But it's good. The Lord is good. And even when I lose sight of Him, He is quick to sing sweetly over me and remind me of His perfect love.

I would love prayers for my heart, for protection from lies and the war that is going on. I would love prayers for clarity and open doors for me to go back soon. I treasure your support.

May the Lord bless you and keep you!


P.S. I didn't proof-read this. Be forgiving of mistakes or pure heart writings that don't really make sense.

Farewells

Yesterday morning, Terp and I had our farewell ceremony at BG. My goodness was it beautiful.

Unlike any other ceremony, the staff all dressed up in their traditional wear, all the kids were there, and we were given a beautiful presentation of singing and dancing by the Bo Mme. The overall emotion was honor. I felt so incredibly honored. Though I cried a LOT, I was filled with so much joy, too. It was impossible to not feel loved. My housemother spoke to me as well as a couple other staff members, and my heart swelled with gratitude. 

Friends, I cannot even tell you how much my heart aches. Though I am so excited to see loved ones, I feel as though I am leaving home. And I don't know when I can come back. Don't take offense to this, but I'm praying The Lord lets me return as quick as possible. It grieves me to think about saying goodbye to my family and friends again, but other than those precious relationships, there isn't much about the US that I want. I love Lesotho. This "kingdom in the sky" is full of rich beauty. Everywhere you go, you are surrounded by mountains and cannot help but praise the Maker. It's impossible to miss Him. The people are so joyful, the culture so warm. And I truly believe that God is on the brink of something amazing. I don't want to miss that. I want to be a part of the revival and the bringing of truth to this land. So take this as a bit of a spoiler alert: I'm probably coming back soon.

I have more to say, but my kids are playing outside, and the opportunities to be with them are running scarce. I will be at a lodge in South Africa from Monday-Wednesday and am arriving home on Thursday. Until then, prayers for safety would be much appreciated, and prayers for a soothed heart would be appreciated even more. Thank you, my friends!