Just some thoughts I wrote in my journal while processing life today.
Enjoy!
Slobbery face, hands reaching up, cheeky grin...
I felt my heart would surely burst.
Of love
Of heartache
Of fullness
Of brokenness.
It is unexpected moments like these when words altogether fail me
and I find myself closer to tears than I would like to admit.
Each child holds a delicate sliver of my heart,
each the capacity to fill it and shatter it all in the same breath.
How have I come to love them so deeply?
When did I suffer my heart to melt at their wee little feet?
It is doubtful I shall ever know.
It is inevitable that my heart shall keep bursting.
With love
With heartache
With fullness
With brokenness.
But oh! how sweet the ache, remedied only by my gentle Savior, giver of such hearts.
Hearts that, like His, are weeping over His children.
Hearts that, like His, long to cradle them in affection that knows no boundaries.
Lord if my heart should keep breaking, I implore you:
be close at hand and mend each sliver shattered by compassion's mortal blow, Amen.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Adoptions and Elections
What a week it has been!
I continued to have sickness hangover from Friday's bout of toilet time until Wednesday. Nausea, exhaustion, no appetite, and runny tummy. My mother suggested I stay home Tuesday since I wasn't getting any better and was only tiring myself out by going and going. Despite how I felt physically, it was actually quite a lovely day spent with the Lord, worshipping, napping, watching The Book Thief. Thankfully the next day I felt SO much better and was able to fully enjoy the rest of the week without feeling nauseous and sleepy all the time. Unfortunately the bug has been spreading all throughout the volunteers ): Prayers of health for everyone on campus would be much appreciated. A cold is going through the kids as well it seems.
Thursday was most definitely the highlight of the week. It was an adoption day!! I wish everyone could be a part of an adoption ceremony at Beautiful Gate. I have said it before and I will say it again; it is like sitting in the throne room of heaven. This weeks was a little girl who was transferred from another orphanage a couple years ago. Now 4 years old, she is joining an older brother who was also adopted from Beautiful Gate four years ago and going to the Netherlands. God's redemptive story is SO beautiful, and the fact that both children came from BG is just an added measure of grace for that family. With great joy and celebration the parents signed the papers to make her legally theirs. The ceremonies are always peppered with heavenly singing, giving of gifts, and sweet words from the housemother and the new adoptive parents. It never fails to remind me of the adoption I have received from my Father. I was bought at a great price and had no choice in the matter. Born into desperation, He rescued me from brokenness to bring me to new life with Him. And when I became His, He sang over me with love and rejoicing and continues to speak love into my soul. What a gift!
Friday was declared a holiday by the King because of the elections that were held on Saturday. The directors and a couple volunteers left the country for a little getaway, and for safety's sake, my parents and I moved on campus. Things seem to be peaceful thus far, but once results start coming out it could easily get unsettled. We stocked up on groceries so we wouldn't have to go into town and are just kind of hunkering down for a week until we hear what's going on. We don't expect any problems, but wanted to be safe rather than sorry, 'cause you don't know it's bad until you are caught in a riot. We would love it if you would pray for peace and that positive change would come from these elections. I have felt for awhile that God is on the move in Lesotho and I'm really praying that these new leaders would catapult us into that time. We pray that God would unveil this mountain kingdom and reveal His truth in the light of love.
El Roi - the God who sees me, continues to be all mercy. Despite sickness and the discouragement that comes with that, He sustained my spirit in hope and worked in the hearts of dear friends to encourage me.
I just finished reading Acts, and I have been so challenged by the confidence and faith of the early church. Though I know there must have been some amount of fear, it wasn't crippling and it never once stopped them from sharing the great news that is salvation. How I long to have such certainty. Though I know the word is true and I know there is nothing to fear when the Lord is on your side, my humanness so quickly prevents me living fully into the will of God. I really want to learn more of the kind of faith that isn't hindered by flesh...to say yes to God without worrying about the step ahead. I have also been challenged in the knowledge of faith. The apostles knew what they were talking about. They didn't simply say, "Jesus loves you," and have nothing to back it up. They covered all their bases so they had a strong argument for faith. I had 14 years of Christian education, I have read the Bible cover to cover a few times, and I have always gone to church, but still I don't think I truly know the word and the weight it holds in faith. I know we will never understand the fullness of it, but wow I could really know it better. The Word is our sword. My sword is kind of short I think. It works, but not as effectively as it could. So I'm working on delving deeper into the Bible, to understand and not just read. And it's beautiful. God's revelation to us is so stunning. Hallelujahs to a God who would give us so much of Himself.
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Again, if you wish to send letters or packages, do so here...
Beautiful Gate
C/O Grace Boersema
P.O. Box 339
Ladybrand 9745
South Africa
(don't label it as a value of any more than five bucks, regardless of what it may be)
And if you wish to send emails (I love emails) you may send them to gracemb72@gmail.com
I continued to have sickness hangover from Friday's bout of toilet time until Wednesday. Nausea, exhaustion, no appetite, and runny tummy. My mother suggested I stay home Tuesday since I wasn't getting any better and was only tiring myself out by going and going. Despite how I felt physically, it was actually quite a lovely day spent with the Lord, worshipping, napping, watching The Book Thief. Thankfully the next day I felt SO much better and was able to fully enjoy the rest of the week without feeling nauseous and sleepy all the time. Unfortunately the bug has been spreading all throughout the volunteers ): Prayers of health for everyone on campus would be much appreciated. A cold is going through the kids as well it seems.
Thursday was most definitely the highlight of the week. It was an adoption day!! I wish everyone could be a part of an adoption ceremony at Beautiful Gate. I have said it before and I will say it again; it is like sitting in the throne room of heaven. This weeks was a little girl who was transferred from another orphanage a couple years ago. Now 4 years old, she is joining an older brother who was also adopted from Beautiful Gate four years ago and going to the Netherlands. God's redemptive story is SO beautiful, and the fact that both children came from BG is just an added measure of grace for that family. With great joy and celebration the parents signed the papers to make her legally theirs. The ceremonies are always peppered with heavenly singing, giving of gifts, and sweet words from the housemother and the new adoptive parents. It never fails to remind me of the adoption I have received from my Father. I was bought at a great price and had no choice in the matter. Born into desperation, He rescued me from brokenness to bring me to new life with Him. And when I became His, He sang over me with love and rejoicing and continues to speak love into my soul. What a gift!
Friday was declared a holiday by the King because of the elections that were held on Saturday. The directors and a couple volunteers left the country for a little getaway, and for safety's sake, my parents and I moved on campus. Things seem to be peaceful thus far, but once results start coming out it could easily get unsettled. We stocked up on groceries so we wouldn't have to go into town and are just kind of hunkering down for a week until we hear what's going on. We don't expect any problems, but wanted to be safe rather than sorry, 'cause you don't know it's bad until you are caught in a riot. We would love it if you would pray for peace and that positive change would come from these elections. I have felt for awhile that God is on the move in Lesotho and I'm really praying that these new leaders would catapult us into that time. We pray that God would unveil this mountain kingdom and reveal His truth in the light of love.
El Roi - the God who sees me, continues to be all mercy. Despite sickness and the discouragement that comes with that, He sustained my spirit in hope and worked in the hearts of dear friends to encourage me.
I just finished reading Acts, and I have been so challenged by the confidence and faith of the early church. Though I know there must have been some amount of fear, it wasn't crippling and it never once stopped them from sharing the great news that is salvation. How I long to have such certainty. Though I know the word is true and I know there is nothing to fear when the Lord is on your side, my humanness so quickly prevents me living fully into the will of God. I really want to learn more of the kind of faith that isn't hindered by flesh...to say yes to God without worrying about the step ahead. I have also been challenged in the knowledge of faith. The apostles knew what they were talking about. They didn't simply say, "Jesus loves you," and have nothing to back it up. They covered all their bases so they had a strong argument for faith. I had 14 years of Christian education, I have read the Bible cover to cover a few times, and I have always gone to church, but still I don't think I truly know the word and the weight it holds in faith. I know we will never understand the fullness of it, but wow I could really know it better. The Word is our sword. My sword is kind of short I think. It works, but not as effectively as it could. So I'm working on delving deeper into the Bible, to understand and not just read. And it's beautiful. God's revelation to us is so stunning. Hallelujahs to a God who would give us so much of Himself.
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Again, if you wish to send letters or packages, do so here...
Beautiful Gate
C/O Grace Boersema
P.O. Box 339
Ladybrand 9745
South Africa
(don't label it as a value of any more than five bucks, regardless of what it may be)
And if you wish to send emails (I love emails) you may send them to gracemb72@gmail.com
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Back in Lesotho
Having left three weeks ago today, a blog post is overdue...
We are here! With great joy we are here.
All of the traveling went well, and as I caught my first glimpse of African soil, sweet tears ran from my eyes. It is so very good to be back.
 |
| Sunflower fields forever |
My first day was like a dream. Many moments of glistening eyes marked the day... when I saw my housemothers, when I saw my precious special needs girl walking, when I got kisses through the preschool fence... all was joy.
I very quickly got back into the swing of things and my heart was filled with such peace and happiness. It's been a long time since I have felt those things. My soul is content.
My parents took a bit to get adjusted. The first week was a lot of questions, a lot of realizations of life in a third world country, a lot of figuring things out. (And a LOT of time spent together (; Though I love my parents dearly, that was a lotttt of time with them!)
It's been good to reconnect with friends I had made here last time through church, good to lavish love on my little ones, good to be in the sunshine, good to feel fulfilled once again.
 |
| Blocks and babies |
Unfortunately, I didn't even make it three weeks without getting sick... Yesterday I came down with a stomach bug. 16 trips to the bathroom in 24 hours (yes I counted) and one big bout of throwing up defined my day. After plenty of rest last night, I'm happy to say I am feeling much better. My body is still pretty whooped and tired, but it seems to have ran its course. Phew!
My friends, God has been so kind and gracious. He continues to be just enough for each day. He continues to reveal His dear character. Though I still have questions as to the purpose He has for me here, each day has been fulfilling and that is good. In a Bible study the volunteers are doing, we learned the name of God used in Exodus: El Qanna - Jealous God. And oh how beautiful that is! Though we often see jealousy as a bad thing, with God it is so beautiful. He is fiercely protective over the covenant with His people and when sin threatens that, He takes action. This reveals a deep love that I cannot fathom. Having learned that name, I wanted to learn more names of God, and another that has really struck me is El Roi - The God who sees me. This is a name Hagar gives to God when she ran away from Abram and Sarai after being mistreated. She finds herself pregnant and in the desert, at the end of her rope. But God intervenes, He sees her in her suffering, and He provides sweet grace and relief. Mmm how good it was for me to be reminded that God SEES us in our suffering! My time at home was really rough, but to know that God sees us, knows us, desires us, is fiercely protective over us, that He doesn't leave us in the brokenness... what a reason to rejoice and be glad!!
Though my heart continues to break for things seen, things heard, things experienced, El Roi continues to be grace.
I will continue to blog...I cannot promise regularity (;
Thank you for your prayers and support.
If you wish to write or send packages, they can be sent here:
Beautiful Gate
C/O Grace Boersema
P.O. Box 339
Ladybrand 9745
South Africa
(Packages shouldn't be valued more than five or ten dollars. They can be WORTH more than that, but don't label them as such. If they are labeled more than that, we have to pay a big fee to retrieve them from the post office...boo!)
Friday, January 30, 2015
Tomorrow!
Well, tomorrow is the day! In 24 hours, I will be at the airport ready to check in and head off to a very grand adventure, indeed.
The overall feeling is excitement, but underneath are about 72 other feelings just floatin' around and waiting to settle. This week has been kind of emotionally charged, but God has blessed me with just enough peace, just enough joy to see me through.
At a prayer night we had on Sunday, the image came to mind of faith as a big mountain hike. You start at the bottom with excitement and a feeling of courage, ready to conquer the mountain. But you quickly realize the mountain is far bigger than you thought, and the trail more rocky and difficult than you expected. As you keep climbing, you get more and more tired and question why you ever thought you could climb the mountain in the first place. BUT. Just when you think your weary legs won't ever make it all the way, God levels the ground just enough to let you recoup, He provides a trickle of a waterfall to refresh you. So you keep going, a glimpse of the end in sight. It continues to be really difficult, and it's frustrating that God didn't keep the level ground longer or take you up an easier path. But it's the path He gave nonetheless, so you keep going, hoping the end reward is worth all the struggle. And finally, out of breath and almost in tears, you see the top. A surge of energy propels you forward and oh -- the loveliest sight.
Peaceful blue waters, endless sky, and the promise of a distant land.
I think we often believe that when you start walking with God, the ground becomes smooth and flat. Oh contraire. I think it get's harder, your weakness more evident than before. But the end...oh the sweet end. It is more glorious than staying at the bottom, so much more rewarding than quitting half way through. For at the top is peace, at the top you see where you have been and you see where God has wanted you to be all along.
So I think I'm in the middle of my climb. I have seen a glimpse of what is to come. I have felt like turning around or just sitting and crying. But my spirit is tired yet refreshed. I know that the rest of the climb may very well be more difficult than the beginning, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of our Lord, and I know my struggle is not in vain.
I'm really excited to see where God takes me, where He guides my parents. It would be foolish to say I'm not a bit nervous about the change and the challenge, but I know too that it is always worth it. Stepping forward is always worth it.
We cherish your prayers for safe travel and for smooth transitions. We pray protection over our hearts and minds as the devil quickly tells us we aren't cut out for the hike.
Until we meet again...
Grace
Wow I'm just excited to see my kiddos.
The overall feeling is excitement, but underneath are about 72 other feelings just floatin' around and waiting to settle. This week has been kind of emotionally charged, but God has blessed me with just enough peace, just enough joy to see me through.
At a prayer night we had on Sunday, the image came to mind of faith as a big mountain hike. You start at the bottom with excitement and a feeling of courage, ready to conquer the mountain. But you quickly realize the mountain is far bigger than you thought, and the trail more rocky and difficult than you expected. As you keep climbing, you get more and more tired and question why you ever thought you could climb the mountain in the first place. BUT. Just when you think your weary legs won't ever make it all the way, God levels the ground just enough to let you recoup, He provides a trickle of a waterfall to refresh you. So you keep going, a glimpse of the end in sight. It continues to be really difficult, and it's frustrating that God didn't keep the level ground longer or take you up an easier path. But it's the path He gave nonetheless, so you keep going, hoping the end reward is worth all the struggle. And finally, out of breath and almost in tears, you see the top. A surge of energy propels you forward and oh -- the loveliest sight.
I think we often believe that when you start walking with God, the ground becomes smooth and flat. Oh contraire. I think it get's harder, your weakness more evident than before. But the end...oh the sweet end. It is more glorious than staying at the bottom, so much more rewarding than quitting half way through. For at the top is peace, at the top you see where you have been and you see where God has wanted you to be all along.
So I think I'm in the middle of my climb. I have seen a glimpse of what is to come. I have felt like turning around or just sitting and crying. But my spirit is tired yet refreshed. I know that the rest of the climb may very well be more difficult than the beginning, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of our Lord, and I know my struggle is not in vain.
I'm really excited to see where God takes me, where He guides my parents. It would be foolish to say I'm not a bit nervous about the change and the challenge, but I know too that it is always worth it. Stepping forward is always worth it.
We cherish your prayers for safe travel and for smooth transitions. We pray protection over our hearts and minds as the devil quickly tells us we aren't cut out for the hike.
Until we meet again...
Grace
Wow I'm just excited to see my kiddos.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Come Further Up
Every once in awhile, an unexpected memory of my kids pricks my heart.
Sometimes it's something really funny, like the time one of the many 2 year old boys fell asleep during play group and did the biggest head bobs I have ever seen, or any of the countless times the kids fell asleep on the toilet, or when my little stinker would climb up on the table after bath time and dance like an old man in his birthday suit.
Other times it's the memories that break your heart; the look of abandonment or the fear in the eyes of new comers.
Today it is memories of their gentle, kind, and nurturing spirits. One of our little boys who has now been reunited with his family has one of the most nurturing hearts I have ever seen (though he is a huge stinker.) He loved to help sweep the front stoop with the house mothers, carry baby dolls on his back, and scootch (is that even a real word?) the younger kids close and pretend to feed them. One of my boys is just the cuddliest, and he loved to trace my face with his brown little fingers. One of my dearest memories, though, is one that I have written about before. On one of my last days, I went out to play group to soak up a little more time with the kids. My cuddly boy jumped up into my arms and squeezed tight. So tight, in fact, that I started leaking tears (; Our oldest girl at the time (now living with her mother in Sweden!!) noticed and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace, pephi." (pephi = sorry) and she rubbed my back with her beautiful brown eyes looking into mine. Hokey toots these kids have such a capacity for love.
It is the memories like these that makes me so incredibly excited to be back.
In just over 2 weeks, my parents and I will be on our way!! And if you haven't read the family blog (boersemablog.blogspot.com), I will give you a little update of where we are at.
We have sold our house
We have a house ready for us when we arrive
We have furnishings for our house
We have a car
We have a dog :)
We have funding for the first year and commitments for more than half of the second year!
Praise Jesuuuus!
So, despite maybe the weight of my previous posts (I apologize. I realize I am a little dramatic at times...but they are my feelings nonetheless) I am so happy to say that there has been so much peace, so much excitement for the coming season.
I just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday, and I want to leave you with a few thoughts/quotes from The Last Battle.
As the children reach the land of Aslan, they continually hear him calling, "Come further up, come further in!" And I think our Lord does the same. As we enter into fellowship with him, he beckons us to get closer, get deeper, run harder towards him. That is my hope in this new year and new adventure.
And just as the children faced many trials and had much fear, I too face the future with uncertainty. However, I take peace in this truth: “But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.”
Friends, our Savior is so kind. He is SO good. And hokey toots I can't wait to come further up and further in.
Sometimes it's something really funny, like the time one of the many 2 year old boys fell asleep during play group and did the biggest head bobs I have ever seen, or any of the countless times the kids fell asleep on the toilet, or when my little stinker would climb up on the table after bath time and dance like an old man in his birthday suit.
Other times it's the memories that break your heart; the look of abandonment or the fear in the eyes of new comers.
Today it is memories of their gentle, kind, and nurturing spirits. One of our little boys who has now been reunited with his family has one of the most nurturing hearts I have ever seen (though he is a huge stinker.) He loved to help sweep the front stoop with the house mothers, carry baby dolls on his back, and scootch (is that even a real word?) the younger kids close and pretend to feed them. One of my boys is just the cuddliest, and he loved to trace my face with his brown little fingers. One of my dearest memories, though, is one that I have written about before. On one of my last days, I went out to play group to soak up a little more time with the kids. My cuddly boy jumped up into my arms and squeezed tight. So tight, in fact, that I started leaking tears (; Our oldest girl at the time (now living with her mother in Sweden!!) noticed and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace, pephi." (pephi = sorry) and she rubbed my back with her beautiful brown eyes looking into mine. Hokey toots these kids have such a capacity for love.
It is the memories like these that makes me so incredibly excited to be back.
In just over 2 weeks, my parents and I will be on our way!! And if you haven't read the family blog (boersemablog.blogspot.com), I will give you a little update of where we are at.
We have sold our house
We have a house ready for us when we arrive
We have furnishings for our house
We have a car
We have a dog :)
We have funding for the first year and commitments for more than half of the second year!
Praise Jesuuuus!
So, despite maybe the weight of my previous posts (I apologize. I realize I am a little dramatic at times...but they are my feelings nonetheless) I am so happy to say that there has been so much peace, so much excitement for the coming season.
I just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday, and I want to leave you with a few thoughts/quotes from The Last Battle.
As the children reach the land of Aslan, they continually hear him calling, "Come further up, come further in!" And I think our Lord does the same. As we enter into fellowship with him, he beckons us to get closer, get deeper, run harder towards him. That is my hope in this new year and new adventure.
And just as the children faced many trials and had much fear, I too face the future with uncertainty. However, I take peace in this truth: “But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.”
Friends, our Savior is so kind. He is SO good. And hokey toots I can't wait to come further up and further in.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Looking Forward
2014 was a whirlwind.
This time last year, I was packing up, doing coffee dates left and right, and so full of excitement.
This year, we are cleaning out the house, still doing coffee dates, and full of 101 emotions.
Much has happened, and much will happen, I suspect.
In a month, my parents and I fly out to Lesotho for this new adventure. Last time I had a fairly good idea of what it would be like. This time, just about everything feels like an unknown. My heart is open to whatever God has prepared, whether that be with the kids full time again, or branching out and doing more "evangelistic" ministry. My parents are committed to two years, and I'm there until God tells me otherwise. This could mean 2 years, 10 years, or just 1!
The Lord has stripped me of a lot, and this fall has been a huge time of growth and questions and rediscovery. I can only hope that I am being molded more in His likeness as He shatters my earthly plans and paves the way before me. It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. Giving God full reign means letting go of all plans of my own, all desires of my own. And though I know full well that it will be beautiful and good, I know too that good doesn't mean easy.
So I look towards this new year with a lot of questions and very few answers, many fears and many things to look forward to. I'm SO excited to see my kids and my "mommies", to reconnect with friends there and just be back in that beautiful country. I know God has marvelous plans and I'm pumped to see what they are. But I would love your prayers as life is changing rapidly and my heart is having a hard time keeping up.
Friends, if I have learn anything in 2014, it's that God is faithful, sovereign, and so very kind.
In 365 days, I have gone from trusting Him with everything, saying goodbye to hopes and dreams, mourning over the world's brokenness with Him, doubting His goodness altogether, feeling a million miles away, being convicted of my sin, and receiving His impossible grace that brings restoration. And through it all, He has never raised His voice at me, never showed anger. Instead He has shown me all the times He has been present in my life before, reminded me of His divine plan, and has gently cradled me in His arms. As I sat in the dust, ready to give up, He didn't shame me for sitting down but whispered lovingly, "I know. I have not called you to an easy path. I see your brokenness and love you still. So for now, I will carry you, and in a little while I will set you down and we will walk together once more." Unendingly kind. The healer of my soul. Praise Him for His goodness.
I face 2015 as a broken vessel, but a broken vessel that God sees fit for His purposes. Though I do not understand how or why, I am utterly grateful that He isn't done with me, that He didn't leave me to sit in the dust.
Thank you, friends, for your prayer and support this year. I ask it of you again and pray God would richly bless you because of it. Happy New Year!!
This time last year, I was packing up, doing coffee dates left and right, and so full of excitement.
This year, we are cleaning out the house, still doing coffee dates, and full of 101 emotions.
Much has happened, and much will happen, I suspect.
In a month, my parents and I fly out to Lesotho for this new adventure. Last time I had a fairly good idea of what it would be like. This time, just about everything feels like an unknown. My heart is open to whatever God has prepared, whether that be with the kids full time again, or branching out and doing more "evangelistic" ministry. My parents are committed to two years, and I'm there until God tells me otherwise. This could mean 2 years, 10 years, or just 1!
The Lord has stripped me of a lot, and this fall has been a huge time of growth and questions and rediscovery. I can only hope that I am being molded more in His likeness as He shatters my earthly plans and paves the way before me. It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. Giving God full reign means letting go of all plans of my own, all desires of my own. And though I know full well that it will be beautiful and good, I know too that good doesn't mean easy.
So I look towards this new year with a lot of questions and very few answers, many fears and many things to look forward to. I'm SO excited to see my kids and my "mommies", to reconnect with friends there and just be back in that beautiful country. I know God has marvelous plans and I'm pumped to see what they are. But I would love your prayers as life is changing rapidly and my heart is having a hard time keeping up.
Friends, if I have learn anything in 2014, it's that God is faithful, sovereign, and so very kind.
In 365 days, I have gone from trusting Him with everything, saying goodbye to hopes and dreams, mourning over the world's brokenness with Him, doubting His goodness altogether, feeling a million miles away, being convicted of my sin, and receiving His impossible grace that brings restoration. And through it all, He has never raised His voice at me, never showed anger. Instead He has shown me all the times He has been present in my life before, reminded me of His divine plan, and has gently cradled me in His arms. As I sat in the dust, ready to give up, He didn't shame me for sitting down but whispered lovingly, "I know. I have not called you to an easy path. I see your brokenness and love you still. So for now, I will carry you, and in a little while I will set you down and we will walk together once more." Unendingly kind. The healer of my soul. Praise Him for His goodness.
I face 2015 as a broken vessel, but a broken vessel that God sees fit for His purposes. Though I do not understand how or why, I am utterly grateful that He isn't done with me, that He didn't leave me to sit in the dust.
Thank you, friends, for your prayer and support this year. I ask it of you again and pray God would richly bless you because of it. Happy New Year!!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Broken
I have found myself utterly broken.
It has been almost 3 months since I left my home in Lesotho, and I have had a really rough time being home in Michigan.
I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I just feel so incredibly empty.
My soul is dry and weary, I feel burdened and tired, and my spirit struggles to find peace.
I feel dashed upon the rocks and completely helpless.
Though this past month has been better than the first two, I haven't really been myself.
Tonight my parents and I had a time for prayer with a few members of our church. And friends... It was so good. We came to ask for prayer to sell our house (a HUGE obstacle that will take nothing short of a miracle) but I really felt like it was time to just be honest and vulnerable and say that I am at probably the lowest point of my life right now. And I wept. I don't think I have blubbered like that since 4th grade. Through the tears and snot, there was an overwhelming sense of love. I feel like I was finally able to just break down all that I have been trying to hold in, and the people around me so gently caught all the pieces and just held me together with the sweet love of my Lord. The baggage and burden and grief I have been carrying spilled out with tremendous force and I was able to leave it there. I know this is only the very very beginning of healing, but it came at just the right time. God surrounded our family when we were at such desperate places. Though we were wrestling with different things (the discouragement and burden of the house and the burden of whatever this is I'm feeling) we were given such grace, such encouragement. We all left tonight feeling beautiful hope. The emotional anxieties over the house and over processing so much change was shared with people who have God's heart. It was so rich, so necessary.
This isn't the end, however. Though we feel great encouragement and hope, we are still in need of desperate prayer. We feel very strongly about being at Beautiful Gate by the end of the year, and believe me when I tell you that it is almost humanly impossible for our house to sell by then. I ask too for deep prayer for myself. I am at a place where I truly cannot do it on my own and need others lifting me up.
So friends, please pray with and for us. Pray that God would move mountains so that our house can sell. Pray that our hearts would be protected from anxiety, fear, distraction. And I pray too for healing from this deep brokenness. We covet your support. This is absolutely impossible without our Lord and His people. We wait with great expectation to see Him move, for we know He will.
Hallelujah, praise the Lord right where we are. Amen.
It has been almost 3 months since I left my home in Lesotho, and I have had a really rough time being home in Michigan.
I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I just feel so incredibly empty.
My soul is dry and weary, I feel burdened and tired, and my spirit struggles to find peace.
I feel dashed upon the rocks and completely helpless.
Though this past month has been better than the first two, I haven't really been myself.
Tonight my parents and I had a time for prayer with a few members of our church. And friends... It was so good. We came to ask for prayer to sell our house (a HUGE obstacle that will take nothing short of a miracle) but I really felt like it was time to just be honest and vulnerable and say that I am at probably the lowest point of my life right now. And I wept. I don't think I have blubbered like that since 4th grade. Through the tears and snot, there was an overwhelming sense of love. I feel like I was finally able to just break down all that I have been trying to hold in, and the people around me so gently caught all the pieces and just held me together with the sweet love of my Lord. The baggage and burden and grief I have been carrying spilled out with tremendous force and I was able to leave it there. I know this is only the very very beginning of healing, but it came at just the right time. God surrounded our family when we were at such desperate places. Though we were wrestling with different things (the discouragement and burden of the house and the burden of whatever this is I'm feeling) we were given such grace, such encouragement. We all left tonight feeling beautiful hope. The emotional anxieties over the house and over processing so much change was shared with people who have God's heart. It was so rich, so necessary.
This isn't the end, however. Though we feel great encouragement and hope, we are still in need of desperate prayer. We feel very strongly about being at Beautiful Gate by the end of the year, and believe me when I tell you that it is almost humanly impossible for our house to sell by then. I ask too for deep prayer for myself. I am at a place where I truly cannot do it on my own and need others lifting me up.
So friends, please pray with and for us. Pray that God would move mountains so that our house can sell. Pray that our hearts would be protected from anxiety, fear, distraction. And I pray too for healing from this deep brokenness. We covet your support. This is absolutely impossible without our Lord and His people. We wait with great expectation to see Him move, for we know He will.
Hallelujah, praise the Lord right where we are. Amen.
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