Not Ready

In one month, I am moving home. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to

these mountains that surround me 360º, teaching me what it is to praise...

                              

these sunsets that woo me and can soothe the most weary of souls...

these stars that literally sparkle like diamonds and remind me that there is so much more than my here and now...

this endless sky that gives room for heart’s breath, mind’s wonder, soul’s rest…

     

the red dirt that stains my shoes and tells me I’m no longer in the busyness of the city...

the sparrows in their simple beauty, teaching me to sing, no matter the weather...

the man who lives in that tiny tin shack with lace curtains, the happiest person I’ve ever seen...

I’m not ready to say goodbye to

my kids who have crawled into every nook and cranny of my heart, teaching me a love I didn’t even know was possible…

my mothers who have laughed, cried, comforted, and rejoiced with me, taught me what faith is, what trust is, what hope is, what joy is…

my friends who have looked out for me, encouraged me, taught me passion, shown me pieces of life and love I hadn’t known before…

my church who has taught me how to worship, dance, pray…

my African home, people, country, life…

In one month, I am moving home. I’m not ready. 

And yet, I know without a doubt that this is what my Lord is asking. I spent a lot of time praying, a lot of time fighting and questioning. My heart was so ready to make a forever home here, and in ways, it already began to do so. Yet God has different plans. And honestly, He hasn’t revealed much, but only promised that there are plans, and going back to Michigan is the first step. I know it is right. There is so much peace and so much to look forward to. But the grief of leaving is overwhelming. I would have never chosen to leave if I wasn’t certain that it was my Jesus asking me to. My heart has broken in this place, been poured out in this place, fallen so deeply in love in this place. Taking a heart that has been so joyfully scattered in this country and bringing it back to Michigan seems nearly impossible.
Nonetheless, on the 11th of April, I will be flying from this beautiful land I have rooted myself in and will be starting over. I trust that God has great things in store. I am excited to see what life holds. But this has been the hardest yes, the biggest leap of faith.

God continues to be enough, continues to hold me and guide me. There have been a lot of other hard things I’ve been walking and working through these past couple months, but He is faithfully sustaining me, even on days when I am certain I cannot make it through. I’m learning that there are seasons where God gives daily bread, but seemingly nothing more. In these times, the only way to remain standing is in deep dependence on Him. In our weakness, He is strong. When words and body fail, the Holy Spirit speaks on our behalf. And God still brings joy, laughter, love, and light in the midst of all this heartbreak. He is gentle and kind, compassionate and gracious. He is the only thing worth running to.

I cherish your prayers. I will be honest and say that I am scared. Emotionally I’m very fragile and susceptible to the enemy’s lies. I cannot do this without people holding me up before the Father. Thank you to those of you who have been so incredibly faithful in that.

In all of this…all these feelings, fears, emotions, trials, I just pray that God might be glorified. I know He can take what little I have and make it something beautiful.

“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24-25

Never and Always

I want your scent to cling to me, weaving through the threads of my skin like the smoke clings to each piece of thread worn by the man keeping warm on the corner, 

weaving in and out of his shirt, pants, hair.

I want your presence to be so close it suffocates, 

the weight of your being so heavy I crumble at the mere sight of you.

I want to be weak in the knees.

I want to hold on to each word you whisper sweetly to my soul like it's the last thing I will hear.

Precious Jesus, I crave you like a prisoner craves freedom.

I am hungry for your truth, thirsty for the life you offer me.

And the paradox is this:

my soul is satisfied --

200%.

And yet...

I can never get enough, I will always want more.

My cup is overflowing but I only have one drop.

Fill me with more.

More satisfaction.

More craving.

Please fill me with more.

I am greedy for your presence yet I want to give it all away.

I am desperate for more of your love yet overwhelmed by the immensity of it.

I could never say you have more to offer me

you have breathed the richest life into these feeble lungs.

Yet I will always be asking for more, 

because each cell of my body aches for you, even in the fullness of your presence.

Every fiber of my being has been saturated in your grace, but I need to soak here a little longer.

This world doesn't have enough ink to express the depth of my desire for you, 

yet my pen is dry of adequate words.

There is a beating drum lodged within my ribcage that plays two songs.

They fight for my soul's attention.

Never and Always

Never and Always

Never and Always

And still...

These two songs clash to make the most beautiful music that has ever been played upon these 

fragile, dry bones.

I will Never and Always have enough of you.

My heart will forever be satisfied yet forever crave more.

I will Never and Always have enough.

So I'll let this beating drum play on

Tomorrow and all days

Worship and all praise

Forever, in all ways

Never and Always.

The Dream Job I Never Wanted

I actually wrote this a month or so ago, and again I apologize for the infrequency. But nonetheless, here is a picture of how I feel most days at work.

I think I have the best job in the world. I get to work with 74 impossibly adorable kids, each with a unique personality, silly quirks, and a beautiful heart.

Each day when I walk on campus, it is impossible not to smile knowing I get to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It's impossible not to smile when they greet you at the door with the sincerest joy and wrap their little arms around your neck for the tightest hug they can muster. It's impossible not to smile when you find the housemothers singing and dancing in the kitchen, when you see a secret, tender moment between mother and child, when the most slobbery baby falls asleep on your chest leaving your shirt soaked.

 It's impossible not to smile when the preschoolers come home at lunch and tell you what they ate for snack and recite "Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?". Smiling is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

I think I have the worst job in the world. I work with 74 impossibly broken kids, each with a unique story, emotional issues, and a hurting heart. Each day when I walk on campus, it is almost impossible not to cry knowing that their mother isn't there to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It is almost impossible not to cry when a new child comes and is so tiny and sick, when the only look they have is fear, when they won't keep down their medicine. 

It is almost impossible not to cry when a child is reunited with family and is returned a week later, when they panic if they are left alone for two minutes, when the only way they know to survive is fighting. Crying is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

Both statements are true. I have the best and worst job in the world. Each day is filled with immense joy, yet each day can feel so bitter. There is nothing right about orphanages, even the best ones. So I find myself drinking a cup of the sweetest evil. I find myself working the dream job I never wanted. And each day I have to learn how to love with all my heart, and yet love an arms length away, love with my hands freely open, knowing these children come and go whether I like it or not, knowing I'm not their mother and cannot give them all I desire to. 

Many days bring painfully blunt reminders of both of these truths. Not long ago, we said goodbye to one sweet boy whom I've had the pleasure of seeing grow from a tiny baby to a walking, talking toddler... and we received in the exact same moment a tiny little boy no more than two weeks old. As my housemother put one of her children down, she made a bottle for another boy to love. There was deep joy in watching the first grow...in seeing his silly self learn to walk and climb and get into closets. There was deep joy in getting a hug from him while he giggled in your ear, deep joy in watching him hold the hands of another child learning to walk, deep joy in seeing his love for his housemother who raised him so well. But it's so hard to say goodbye, not knowing what his life will look like and seeing that he knew big change was coming. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, reminded him not to bite or pinch or hit when he gets angry, and told him it was time for him to go. And he clung to my neck and refused to be put down...and my heart broke. 

Yet as I felt myself being emptied by the farewell of this precious boy, another precious boy immediately began filling the gap our two year old was leaving in my heart.  I am so looking forward to seeing him grow, develop his unique personality, learn how to open the linen cupboard and pull out all the sheets, hear him giggle and watch his eyes light up when his housemother calls his name. I am so excited to love him, pray over him, sing to him. 

So you see, my emotions are in a perpetual state of conflict. There are days I can ignore it, there are others that make it impossible to look past. Just as my heart is full to the brim of joy, love, and deep happiness, it is equally full of sadness, frustration, and deep brokenness for this fallen world. And thus I find myself everyday I am working at Beautiful Gate.

The dream job I never wanted...

I wouldn't change it for the world,

I would give the world to change it. 

Whirlwind

It's been three months since I last blogged. I apologize.

The scarcity in posts is not for lack of activity, emotions, or events, but rather a forgetful spirit.

It's hard to blog when life just feels normal. Last year, everything was new and I felt there was so much to say about everything. This time around, I don't feel much different than if I were living in Michigan. Nonetheless, much has happened; in fact, it's been a whirlwind.

In the past three months...

-Jamie, Cameron, Charis, Meredith, Michelle, Heidi, Manana, Angela, Christina, Casie and Laurie have all left. That's eleven friends made and eleven friends gone. It has been a blessing to know each one, yet taxing on the heart to say so many goodbyes.

Farewell dinner!

-Amy, Paige, Rachel, Emily, and Amber have all come for varied amounts of time, though most will be gone by September.

-The Robbert family, the Community team, the Holland Christian team, the Crosspoint team, and the Jonker family have all come, most for about two weeks.

-We have had two adoptions (yay!) and one child reunified with her mother. However she came back a week later as she was not being well taken care of (disappointing.)

-In a span of ten days, we received six new children. A brother and sister, and four infants, the youngest being merely hours old when he was found. We also adopted a kitty named Gimli. I think I may be the only person that loves him.

-I went absailing in Semonkong and accomplished a world record (wow God is so amazing) and enjoyed a ladies weekend in South Africa where we had a relaxing time playing with baby lions, playing silly games, and eating delicious food.

670 of World Record majesty

Bye Mom!

Amy and our lion friends!

-I got the stomach flu for a week and spent a lot more time in the bathroom than I ever hope to spend again, and I also got homesick but it was only for a day and the bathroom wasn't involved.

This has definitely been a season of turn arounds, transition, heart break, exhaustion, and learning. I am weary of goodbyes and feeling like my life is a revolving door of friendships. 

Everyone who has come has been so delightful, but then they all leave, and though they are still delightful to have as friends, they are no longer on the same continent which makes things trickier. 

It has also been hard to be receiving so many kids and not seeing more adopted or reunified to good parents. Our whole aim is to get these precious children in families, and the way things have been going is rather discouraging.

All this being said, I'm learning and growing. A few volunteers and I decided to read through the Bible over the course of this winter (Michigan summer). It comes down to about 10 chapters a day, and wow it's been so good to dig into the word like that. It's quick, so there isn't always time to go super deep, but what I love about it is the broad picture of God's story we get to see. When you go through the Bible slowly, it's easy to miss the threads of redemption, grace, justice, and salvation woven through each story. When you are reading so much in one day, however, you get to see example after example of God's love, mercy, and plan that is so much bigger than the individual stories and our short lives. He is so far beyond what we could ever comprehend, and though that can be frustrating and confusing at times, it is also such a gift to leave it to him and rest in the knowledge that his plan is good. It may not be easy or what we had planned, but ultimately it is beautiful. Praise be to the one who holds the universe in his strong and loving hands.

Though my heart feels tired and it is easy to become burdened by what seems hopeless, God continues to be enough in each moment. These kids bring so much joy, this country is so beautiful, I am so blessed by my church family, and God is so tender towards me. Through sadness, anger, questions, and a lot of ugly moments in my own walk, he has been kind and faithful to call me back into his presence for rest and peace.

Losing teeth in Pula 1!

He threw his tooth at the school. Good luck tooth fairy.

Church friends (:

A few prayer requests to end:

-That this new government would shape up. There have been a lot of issues and ridiculous crimes going on within the government, and as a country, we just want peace. There is talk of city wide strikes happening tomorrow (Monday the 13) to protest the way the government has been handling itself. In the past, this has been ineffective and mostly an inconvenience with the possibility of some rioting, so prayers for peaceful demonstrations whenever it happens and that things would begin to change for the better.

-Along with that goes a request that the government would take orphans more seriously. There are so many children in need of homes and not nearly enough of them are being matched for a variety of reasons, most of which are nonsense.

-I ask once more for prayers of direction and clarity as I keep seeking what the Lord has in store for the future. I have 720 thoughts running around in my head and just ask for peace and open doors.

Thanks for walking on this journey with me. I'm blessed with so many who love and support me!

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

Month 2

Hello!

Quite a bit has happened in the last month. A brief overview to get you up to date (:

-One of our sweet boys went home to his mother!

-He came back less than a week later... Very frustrating.

-The Haven team (my home church) came which was so so so wonderful, and God was very close during that week. Praise Him!

An afternoon in Malealea

-I was invited to sing at a black tie event with a couple friends from church. It started 2 hours late, but was fun nonetheless.

-I attended my first wedding here in Lesotho! It was a bit nontraditional from what I understand (and goodness knows I didn't understand much) and it started 4 hours late, but we received some wonderful hospitality, got to watch some old American western's while we waited, and had the joy of celebrating with my housemother and her son.

My mama's big pig.

 -A sweet sweet little girl was reunited with her dad. That was hard and continues to be hard.

-We received a sibling set of twins and a baby who are all SO precious, as well as 2 other infants.

-We celebrated Easter with communion, bouncy houses, and a candy hunt! Funner than fun.

There is a lot that could be said about ALL those things, but I will let the brief update and the pictures suffice.

God is good all the time, regardless of my ability to see it. There are days when it seems undeniable, and others where it seems impossible. I have been on a hunt to learn what God says about Himself in the Word, and one thing I have learned is that my perception of His character does not change who He actually is. Feelings are fickle, He is unchanging. I am also learning that my definition of good is different than God's. We tend to think that good is the absence of bad. But what I'm seeing is that good is the nearness of God, the truth of His character, even if the bad remains.

An example from the prophets. Habakkuk is complaining to God about the injustices being done to Israel, and he asked God how long He will sit idly in the face of evil. God's response?
"Oh it will be worse than this. If I told you what is to come, you wouldn't even believe me."
Not what anyone wants to hear in the midst of suffering.
So Habakkuk says, "Aren't you God? Your holiness shouldn't allow this corruption towards your holy people. Where is your justice and how can you tolerate this? I'm waiting for you to do something."
After this, God is very clear... "I will act. It may seem to take a long time, but keep waiting because I will do it. I'm calling you to live by faith, not sight, not circumstance. Justice will be served to both you and your enemies as it is due." From there he describes all the things that will happen, He describes His might.
Finally Habakkuk understands the power of God and is put in his place. With trembling, he asks that God would be merciful in his wrath, for he remembers all the things God has done to nations in the past and knows God's judgement is to be feared. And then we see that his attitude has changed. Instead of entitlement and a self-centered worldview, Habakkuk resolves that he will still rejoice, not because of the "good" of his circumstances, for that certainly was not the case, but because of the character of God and the fact that God would see him through it, helping him to walk the difficult path.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
     and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
     and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
     and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 
     I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
     he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
     he enables me to tread on the heights."

This goes against so much of what we think life ought to be. We think we shouldn't suffer, we think the hard times will pass. And often times they do, but it's possible that things will get worse. It's possible you will live 75 years of struggle. But friends, there is SO much good beyond that!! Like Paul says in Romans 8, these present sufferings are nothing worth comparing to the glory and the good that is to come. Our earthly lives are so short. If you think about it, the amount of your suffering is an ever decreasing percentage in light of eternity. We are incredibly near sighted when it comes to the junk in our lives. We have a hard time getting past the problems we have right now and forget that it is such a small portion of our existence. We have forever to live in perfect goodness.

So until then, are we able to say that even though life isn't as we would choose to have it, yet I will rejoice? Can we shift our understanding of good from "the absence of bad" to "the unchanging character of God"?

In this world we will have trouble, but there is a place being prepared for us where everything will be made new, where we will no longer hunger or thirst, where every tear will be wiped from our eyes, where we will have perfect fellowship with Him who, above all, is good, forever and ever, Amen!

Let this be our hope.

Compassion's Mortal Blow

Just some thoughts I wrote in my journal while processing life today.
Enjoy!


Slobbery face, hands reaching up, cheeky grin...
I felt my heart would surely burst.
Of love
Of heartache
Of fullness
Of brokenness.

It is unexpected moments like these when words altogether fail me
and I find myself closer to tears than I would like to admit.
Each child holds a delicate sliver of my heart,
each the capacity to fill it and shatter it all in the same breath.

How have I come to love them so deeply?
When did I suffer my heart to melt at their wee little feet?

It is doubtful I shall ever know.
It is inevitable that my heart shall keep bursting.
With love
With heartache
With fullness
With brokenness.

But oh! how sweet the ache, remedied only by my gentle Savior, giver of such hearts.
Hearts that, like His, are weeping over His children.
Hearts that, like His, long to cradle them in affection that knows no boundaries.

Lord if my heart should keep breaking, I implore you:
be close at hand and mend each sliver shattered by compassion's mortal blow, Amen.

Adoptions and Elections

What a week it has been!

I continued to have sickness hangover from Friday's bout of toilet time until Wednesday. Nausea, exhaustion, no appetite, and runny tummy. My mother suggested I stay home Tuesday since I wasn't getting any better and was only tiring myself out by going and going. Despite how I felt physically, it was actually quite a lovely day spent with the Lord, worshipping, napping, watching The Book Thief. Thankfully the next day I felt SO much better and was able to fully enjoy the rest of the week without feeling nauseous and sleepy all the time. Unfortunately the bug has been spreading all throughout the volunteers ): Prayers of health for everyone on campus would be much appreciated. A cold is going through the kids as well it seems.

Thursday was most definitely the highlight of the week. It was an adoption day!! I wish everyone could be a part of an adoption ceremony at Beautiful Gate. I have said it before and I will say it again; it is like sitting in the throne room of heaven. This weeks was a little girl who was transferred from another orphanage a couple years ago. Now 4 years old, she is joining an older brother who was also adopted from Beautiful Gate four years ago and going to the Netherlands. God's redemptive story is SO beautiful, and the fact that both children came from BG is just an added measure of grace for that family. With great joy and celebration the parents signed the papers to make her legally theirs. The ceremonies are always peppered with heavenly singing, giving of gifts, and sweet words from the housemother and the new adoptive parents. It never fails to remind me of the adoption I have received from my Father. I was bought at a great price and had no choice in the matter. Born into desperation, He rescued me from brokenness to bring me to new life with Him. And when I became His, He sang over me with love and rejoicing and continues to speak love into my soul. What a gift!

Friday was declared a holiday by the King because of the elections that were held on Saturday. The directors and a couple volunteers left the country for a little getaway, and for safety's sake, my parents and I moved on campus. Things seem to be peaceful thus far, but once results start coming out it could easily get unsettled. We stocked up on groceries so we wouldn't have to go into town and are just kind of hunkering down for a week until we hear what's going on. We don't expect any problems, but wanted to be safe rather than sorry, 'cause you don't know it's bad until you are caught in a riot. We would love it if you would pray for peace and that positive change would come from these elections. I have felt for awhile that God is on the move in Lesotho and I'm really praying that these new leaders would catapult us into that time. We pray that God would unveil this mountain kingdom and reveal His truth in the light of love.

El Roi - the God who sees me, continues to be all mercy. Despite sickness and the discouragement that comes with that, He sustained my spirit in hope and worked in the hearts of dear friends to encourage me.
I just finished reading Acts, and I have been so challenged by the confidence and faith of the early church. Though I know there must have been some amount of fear, it wasn't crippling and it never once stopped them from sharing the great news that is salvation. How I long to have such certainty. Though I know the word is true and I know there is nothing to fear when the Lord is on your side, my humanness so quickly prevents me living fully into the will of God. I really want to learn more of the kind of faith that isn't hindered by flesh...to say yes to God without worrying about the step ahead. I have also been challenged in the knowledge of faith. The apostles knew what they were talking about. They didn't simply say, "Jesus loves you," and have nothing to back it up. They covered all their bases so they had a strong argument for faith. I had 14 years of Christian education, I have read the Bible cover to cover a few times, and I have always gone to church, but still I don't think I truly know the word and the weight it holds in faith. I know we will never understand the fullness of it, but wow I could really know it better. The Word is our sword. My sword is kind of short I think. It works, but not as effectively as it could. So I'm working on delving deeper into the Bible, to understand and not just read. And it's beautiful. God's revelation to us is so stunning. Hallelujahs to a God who would give us so much of Himself.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

Again, if you wish to send letters or packages, do so here...

Beautiful Gate
C/O Grace Boersema
P.O. Box 339
Ladybrand 9745
South Africa

(don't label it as a value of any more than five bucks, regardless of what it may be)

And if you wish to send emails (I love emails) you may send them to gracemb72@gmail.com