The Dream Job I Never Wanted

I actually wrote this a month or so ago, and again I apologize for the infrequency. But nonetheless, here is a picture of how I feel most days at work.

I think I have the best job in the world. I get to work with 74 impossibly adorable kids, each with a unique personality, silly quirks, and a beautiful heart.

Each day when I walk on campus, it is impossible not to smile knowing I get to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It's impossible not to smile when they greet you at the door with the sincerest joy and wrap their little arms around your neck for the tightest hug they can muster. It's impossible not to smile when you find the housemothers singing and dancing in the kitchen, when you see a secret, tender moment between mother and child, when the most slobbery baby falls asleep on your chest leaving your shirt soaked.

 It's impossible not to smile when the preschoolers come home at lunch and tell you what they ate for snack and recite "Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?". Smiling is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

I think I have the worst job in the world. I work with 74 impossibly broken kids, each with a unique story, emotional issues, and a hurting heart. Each day when I walk on campus, it is almost impossible not to cry knowing that their mother isn't there to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It is almost impossible not to cry when a new child comes and is so tiny and sick, when the only look they have is fear, when they won't keep down their medicine. 

It is almost impossible not to cry when a child is reunited with family and is returned a week later, when they panic if they are left alone for two minutes, when the only way they know to survive is fighting. Crying is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

Both statements are true. I have the best and worst job in the world. Each day is filled with immense joy, yet each day can feel so bitter. There is nothing right about orphanages, even the best ones. So I find myself drinking a cup of the sweetest evil. I find myself working the dream job I never wanted. And each day I have to learn how to love with all my heart, and yet love an arms length away, love with my hands freely open, knowing these children come and go whether I like it or not, knowing I'm not their mother and cannot give them all I desire to. 

Many days bring painfully blunt reminders of both of these truths. Not long ago, we said goodbye to one sweet boy whom I've had the pleasure of seeing grow from a tiny baby to a walking, talking toddler... and we received in the exact same moment a tiny little boy no more than two weeks old. As my housemother put one of her children down, she made a bottle for another boy to love. There was deep joy in watching the first grow...in seeing his silly self learn to walk and climb and get into closets. There was deep joy in getting a hug from him while he giggled in your ear, deep joy in watching him hold the hands of another child learning to walk, deep joy in seeing his love for his housemother who raised him so well. But it's so hard to say goodbye, not knowing what his life will look like and seeing that he knew big change was coming. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, reminded him not to bite or pinch or hit when he gets angry, and told him it was time for him to go. And he clung to my neck and refused to be put down...and my heart broke. 

Yet as I felt myself being emptied by the farewell of this precious boy, another precious boy immediately began filling the gap our two year old was leaving in my heart.  I am so looking forward to seeing him grow, develop his unique personality, learn how to open the linen cupboard and pull out all the sheets, hear him giggle and watch his eyes light up when his housemother calls his name. I am so excited to love him, pray over him, sing to him. 

So you see, my emotions are in a perpetual state of conflict. There are days I can ignore it, there are others that make it impossible to look past. Just as my heart is full to the brim of joy, love, and deep happiness, it is equally full of sadness, frustration, and deep brokenness for this fallen world. And thus I find myself everyday I am working at Beautiful Gate.

The dream job I never wanted...

I wouldn't change it for the world,

I would give the world to change it.