The Dream Job I Never Wanted

I actually wrote this a month or so ago, and again I apologize for the infrequency. But nonetheless, here is a picture of how I feel most days at work.

I think I have the best job in the world. I get to work with 74 impossibly adorable kids, each with a unique personality, silly quirks, and a beautiful heart.

Each day when I walk on campus, it is impossible not to smile knowing I get to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It's impossible not to smile when they greet you at the door with the sincerest joy and wrap their little arms around your neck for the tightest hug they can muster. It's impossible not to smile when you find the housemothers singing and dancing in the kitchen, when you see a secret, tender moment between mother and child, when the most slobbery baby falls asleep on your chest leaving your shirt soaked.

 It's impossible not to smile when the preschoolers come home at lunch and tell you what they ate for snack and recite "Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?". Smiling is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

I think I have the worst job in the world. I work with 74 impossibly broken kids, each with a unique story, emotional issues, and a hurting heart. Each day when I walk on campus, it is almost impossible not to cry knowing that their mother isn't there to squeeze their little cheeks, wipe their snotty noses, and laugh at all the ridiculous things they do and say. It is almost impossible not to cry when a new child comes and is so tiny and sick, when the only look they have is fear, when they won't keep down their medicine. 

It is almost impossible not to cry when a child is reunited with family and is returned a week later, when they panic if they are left alone for two minutes, when the only way they know to survive is fighting. Crying is never difficult to do at Beautiful Gate. It is inevitable. 

Both statements are true. I have the best and worst job in the world. Each day is filled with immense joy, yet each day can feel so bitter. There is nothing right about orphanages, even the best ones. So I find myself drinking a cup of the sweetest evil. I find myself working the dream job I never wanted. And each day I have to learn how to love with all my heart, and yet love an arms length away, love with my hands freely open, knowing these children come and go whether I like it or not, knowing I'm not their mother and cannot give them all I desire to. 

Many days bring painfully blunt reminders of both of these truths. Not long ago, we said goodbye to one sweet boy whom I've had the pleasure of seeing grow from a tiny baby to a walking, talking toddler... and we received in the exact same moment a tiny little boy no more than two weeks old. As my housemother put one of her children down, she made a bottle for another boy to love. There was deep joy in watching the first grow...in seeing his silly self learn to walk and climb and get into closets. There was deep joy in getting a hug from him while he giggled in your ear, deep joy in watching him hold the hands of another child learning to walk, deep joy in seeing his love for his housemother who raised him so well. But it's so hard to say goodbye, not knowing what his life will look like and seeing that he knew big change was coming. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, reminded him not to bite or pinch or hit when he gets angry, and told him it was time for him to go. And he clung to my neck and refused to be put down...and my heart broke. 

Yet as I felt myself being emptied by the farewell of this precious boy, another precious boy immediately began filling the gap our two year old was leaving in my heart.  I am so looking forward to seeing him grow, develop his unique personality, learn how to open the linen cupboard and pull out all the sheets, hear him giggle and watch his eyes light up when his housemother calls his name. I am so excited to love him, pray over him, sing to him. 

So you see, my emotions are in a perpetual state of conflict. There are days I can ignore it, there are others that make it impossible to look past. Just as my heart is full to the brim of joy, love, and deep happiness, it is equally full of sadness, frustration, and deep brokenness for this fallen world. And thus I find myself everyday I am working at Beautiful Gate.

The dream job I never wanted...

I wouldn't change it for the world,

I would give the world to change it. 

Whirlwind

It's been three months since I last blogged. I apologize.

The scarcity in posts is not for lack of activity, emotions, or events, but rather a forgetful spirit.

It's hard to blog when life just feels normal. Last year, everything was new and I felt there was so much to say about everything. This time around, I don't feel much different than if I were living in Michigan. Nonetheless, much has happened; in fact, it's been a whirlwind.

In the past three months...

-Jamie, Cameron, Charis, Meredith, Michelle, Heidi, Manana, Angela, Christina, Casie and Laurie have all left. That's eleven friends made and eleven friends gone. It has been a blessing to know each one, yet taxing on the heart to say so many goodbyes.

Farewell dinner!

-Amy, Paige, Rachel, Emily, and Amber have all come for varied amounts of time, though most will be gone by September.

-The Robbert family, the Community team, the Holland Christian team, the Crosspoint team, and the Jonker family have all come, most for about two weeks.

-We have had two adoptions (yay!) and one child reunified with her mother. However she came back a week later as she was not being well taken care of (disappointing.)

-In a span of ten days, we received six new children. A brother and sister, and four infants, the youngest being merely hours old when he was found. We also adopted a kitty named Gimli. I think I may be the only person that loves him.

-I went absailing in Semonkong and accomplished a world record (wow God is so amazing) and enjoyed a ladies weekend in South Africa where we had a relaxing time playing with baby lions, playing silly games, and eating delicious food.

670 of World Record majesty

Bye Mom!

Amy and our lion friends!

-I got the stomach flu for a week and spent a lot more time in the bathroom than I ever hope to spend again, and I also got homesick but it was only for a day and the bathroom wasn't involved.

This has definitely been a season of turn arounds, transition, heart break, exhaustion, and learning. I am weary of goodbyes and feeling like my life is a revolving door of friendships. 

Everyone who has come has been so delightful, but then they all leave, and though they are still delightful to have as friends, they are no longer on the same continent which makes things trickier. 

It has also been hard to be receiving so many kids and not seeing more adopted or reunified to good parents. Our whole aim is to get these precious children in families, and the way things have been going is rather discouraging.

All this being said, I'm learning and growing. A few volunteers and I decided to read through the Bible over the course of this winter (Michigan summer). It comes down to about 10 chapters a day, and wow it's been so good to dig into the word like that. It's quick, so there isn't always time to go super deep, but what I love about it is the broad picture of God's story we get to see. When you go through the Bible slowly, it's easy to miss the threads of redemption, grace, justice, and salvation woven through each story. When you are reading so much in one day, however, you get to see example after example of God's love, mercy, and plan that is so much bigger than the individual stories and our short lives. He is so far beyond what we could ever comprehend, and though that can be frustrating and confusing at times, it is also such a gift to leave it to him and rest in the knowledge that his plan is good. It may not be easy or what we had planned, but ultimately it is beautiful. Praise be to the one who holds the universe in his strong and loving hands.

Though my heart feels tired and it is easy to become burdened by what seems hopeless, God continues to be enough in each moment. These kids bring so much joy, this country is so beautiful, I am so blessed by my church family, and God is so tender towards me. Through sadness, anger, questions, and a lot of ugly moments in my own walk, he has been kind and faithful to call me back into his presence for rest and peace.

Losing teeth in Pula 1!

He threw his tooth at the school. Good luck tooth fairy.

Church friends (:

A few prayer requests to end:

-That this new government would shape up. There have been a lot of issues and ridiculous crimes going on within the government, and as a country, we just want peace. There is talk of city wide strikes happening tomorrow (Monday the 13) to protest the way the government has been handling itself. In the past, this has been ineffective and mostly an inconvenience with the possibility of some rioting, so prayers for peaceful demonstrations whenever it happens and that things would begin to change for the better.

-Along with that goes a request that the government would take orphans more seriously. There are so many children in need of homes and not nearly enough of them are being matched for a variety of reasons, most of which are nonsense.

-I ask once more for prayers of direction and clarity as I keep seeking what the Lord has in store for the future. I have 720 thoughts running around in my head and just ask for peace and open doors.

Thanks for walking on this journey with me. I'm blessed with so many who love and support me!

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

Month 2

Hello!

Quite a bit has happened in the last month. A brief overview to get you up to date (:

-One of our sweet boys went home to his mother!

-He came back less than a week later... Very frustrating.

-The Haven team (my home church) came which was so so so wonderful, and God was very close during that week. Praise Him!

An afternoon in Malealea

-I was invited to sing at a black tie event with a couple friends from church. It started 2 hours late, but was fun nonetheless.

-I attended my first wedding here in Lesotho! It was a bit nontraditional from what I understand (and goodness knows I didn't understand much) and it started 4 hours late, but we received some wonderful hospitality, got to watch some old American western's while we waited, and had the joy of celebrating with my housemother and her son.

My mama's big pig.

 -A sweet sweet little girl was reunited with her dad. That was hard and continues to be hard.

-We received a sibling set of twins and a baby who are all SO precious, as well as 2 other infants.

-We celebrated Easter with communion, bouncy houses, and a candy hunt! Funner than fun.

There is a lot that could be said about ALL those things, but I will let the brief update and the pictures suffice.

God is good all the time, regardless of my ability to see it. There are days when it seems undeniable, and others where it seems impossible. I have been on a hunt to learn what God says about Himself in the Word, and one thing I have learned is that my perception of His character does not change who He actually is. Feelings are fickle, He is unchanging. I am also learning that my definition of good is different than God's. We tend to think that good is the absence of bad. But what I'm seeing is that good is the nearness of God, the truth of His character, even if the bad remains.

An example from the prophets. Habakkuk is complaining to God about the injustices being done to Israel, and he asked God how long He will sit idly in the face of evil. God's response?
"Oh it will be worse than this. If I told you what is to come, you wouldn't even believe me."
Not what anyone wants to hear in the midst of suffering.
So Habakkuk says, "Aren't you God? Your holiness shouldn't allow this corruption towards your holy people. Where is your justice and how can you tolerate this? I'm waiting for you to do something."
After this, God is very clear... "I will act. It may seem to take a long time, but keep waiting because I will do it. I'm calling you to live by faith, not sight, not circumstance. Justice will be served to both you and your enemies as it is due." From there he describes all the things that will happen, He describes His might.
Finally Habakkuk understands the power of God and is put in his place. With trembling, he asks that God would be merciful in his wrath, for he remembers all the things God has done to nations in the past and knows God's judgement is to be feared. And then we see that his attitude has changed. Instead of entitlement and a self-centered worldview, Habakkuk resolves that he will still rejoice, not because of the "good" of his circumstances, for that certainly was not the case, but because of the character of God and the fact that God would see him through it, helping him to walk the difficult path.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
     and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
     and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
     and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 
     I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
     he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
     he enables me to tread on the heights."

This goes against so much of what we think life ought to be. We think we shouldn't suffer, we think the hard times will pass. And often times they do, but it's possible that things will get worse. It's possible you will live 75 years of struggle. But friends, there is SO much good beyond that!! Like Paul says in Romans 8, these present sufferings are nothing worth comparing to the glory and the good that is to come. Our earthly lives are so short. If you think about it, the amount of your suffering is an ever decreasing percentage in light of eternity. We are incredibly near sighted when it comes to the junk in our lives. We have a hard time getting past the problems we have right now and forget that it is such a small portion of our existence. We have forever to live in perfect goodness.

So until then, are we able to say that even though life isn't as we would choose to have it, yet I will rejoice? Can we shift our understanding of good from "the absence of bad" to "the unchanging character of God"?

In this world we will have trouble, but there is a place being prepared for us where everything will be made new, where we will no longer hunger or thirst, where every tear will be wiped from our eyes, where we will have perfect fellowship with Him who, above all, is good, forever and ever, Amen!

Let this be our hope.

Compassion's Mortal Blow

Just some thoughts I wrote in my journal while processing life today.
Enjoy!


Slobbery face, hands reaching up, cheeky grin...
I felt my heart would surely burst.
Of love
Of heartache
Of fullness
Of brokenness.

It is unexpected moments like these when words altogether fail me
and I find myself closer to tears than I would like to admit.
Each child holds a delicate sliver of my heart,
each the capacity to fill it and shatter it all in the same breath.

How have I come to love them so deeply?
When did I suffer my heart to melt at their wee little feet?

It is doubtful I shall ever know.
It is inevitable that my heart shall keep bursting.
With love
With heartache
With fullness
With brokenness.

But oh! how sweet the ache, remedied only by my gentle Savior, giver of such hearts.
Hearts that, like His, are weeping over His children.
Hearts that, like His, long to cradle them in affection that knows no boundaries.

Lord if my heart should keep breaking, I implore you:
be close at hand and mend each sliver shattered by compassion's mortal blow, Amen.

Adoptions and Elections

What a week it has been!

I continued to have sickness hangover from Friday's bout of toilet time until Wednesday. Nausea, exhaustion, no appetite, and runny tummy. My mother suggested I stay home Tuesday since I wasn't getting any better and was only tiring myself out by going and going. Despite how I felt physically, it was actually quite a lovely day spent with the Lord, worshipping, napping, watching The Book Thief. Thankfully the next day I felt SO much better and was able to fully enjoy the rest of the week without feeling nauseous and sleepy all the time. Unfortunately the bug has been spreading all throughout the volunteers ): Prayers of health for everyone on campus would be much appreciated. A cold is going through the kids as well it seems.

Thursday was most definitely the highlight of the week. It was an adoption day!! I wish everyone could be a part of an adoption ceremony at Beautiful Gate. I have said it before and I will say it again; it is like sitting in the throne room of heaven. This weeks was a little girl who was transferred from another orphanage a couple years ago. Now 4 years old, she is joining an older brother who was also adopted from Beautiful Gate four years ago and going to the Netherlands. God's redemptive story is SO beautiful, and the fact that both children came from BG is just an added measure of grace for that family. With great joy and celebration the parents signed the papers to make her legally theirs. The ceremonies are always peppered with heavenly singing, giving of gifts, and sweet words from the housemother and the new adoptive parents. It never fails to remind me of the adoption I have received from my Father. I was bought at a great price and had no choice in the matter. Born into desperation, He rescued me from brokenness to bring me to new life with Him. And when I became His, He sang over me with love and rejoicing and continues to speak love into my soul. What a gift!

Friday was declared a holiday by the King because of the elections that were held on Saturday. The directors and a couple volunteers left the country for a little getaway, and for safety's sake, my parents and I moved on campus. Things seem to be peaceful thus far, but once results start coming out it could easily get unsettled. We stocked up on groceries so we wouldn't have to go into town and are just kind of hunkering down for a week until we hear what's going on. We don't expect any problems, but wanted to be safe rather than sorry, 'cause you don't know it's bad until you are caught in a riot. We would love it if you would pray for peace and that positive change would come from these elections. I have felt for awhile that God is on the move in Lesotho and I'm really praying that these new leaders would catapult us into that time. We pray that God would unveil this mountain kingdom and reveal His truth in the light of love.

El Roi - the God who sees me, continues to be all mercy. Despite sickness and the discouragement that comes with that, He sustained my spirit in hope and worked in the hearts of dear friends to encourage me.
I just finished reading Acts, and I have been so challenged by the confidence and faith of the early church. Though I know there must have been some amount of fear, it wasn't crippling and it never once stopped them from sharing the great news that is salvation. How I long to have such certainty. Though I know the word is true and I know there is nothing to fear when the Lord is on your side, my humanness so quickly prevents me living fully into the will of God. I really want to learn more of the kind of faith that isn't hindered by flesh...to say yes to God without worrying about the step ahead. I have also been challenged in the knowledge of faith. The apostles knew what they were talking about. They didn't simply say, "Jesus loves you," and have nothing to back it up. They covered all their bases so they had a strong argument for faith. I had 14 years of Christian education, I have read the Bible cover to cover a few times, and I have always gone to church, but still I don't think I truly know the word and the weight it holds in faith. I know we will never understand the fullness of it, but wow I could really know it better. The Word is our sword. My sword is kind of short I think. It works, but not as effectively as it could. So I'm working on delving deeper into the Bible, to understand and not just read. And it's beautiful. God's revelation to us is so stunning. Hallelujahs to a God who would give us so much of Himself.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

Again, if you wish to send letters or packages, do so here...

Beautiful Gate
C/O Grace Boersema
P.O. Box 339
Ladybrand 9745
South Africa

(don't label it as a value of any more than five bucks, regardless of what it may be)

And if you wish to send emails (I love emails) you may send them to gracemb72@gmail.com

Back in Lesotho

Having left three weeks ago today, a blog post is overdue...

We are here! With great joy we are here.

All of the traveling went well, and as I caught my first glimpse of African soil, sweet tears ran from my eyes. It is so very good to be back.

Sunflower fields forever

My first day was like a dream. Many moments of glistening eyes marked the day... when I saw my housemothers, when I saw my precious special needs girl walking, when I got kisses through the preschool fence... all was joy.

I very quickly got back into the swing of things and my heart was filled with such peace and happiness. It's been a long time since I have felt those things. My soul is content.

My parents took a bit to get adjusted. The first week was a lot of questions, a lot of realizations of life in a third world country, a lot of figuring things out. (And a LOT of time spent together (; Though I love my parents dearly, that was a lotttt of time with them!)

It's been good to reconnect with friends I had made here last time through church, good to lavish love on my little ones, good to be in the sunshine, good to feel fulfilled once again.

Blocks and babies

Unfortunately, I didn't even make it three weeks without getting sick... Yesterday I came down with a stomach bug. 16 trips to the bathroom in 24 hours (yes I counted) and one big bout of throwing up defined my day. After plenty of rest last night, I'm happy to say I am feeling much better. My body is still pretty whooped and tired, but it seems to have ran its course. Phew!

My friends, God has been so kind and gracious. He continues to be just enough for each day. He continues to reveal His dear character. Though I still have questions as to the purpose He has for me here, each day has been fulfilling and that is good. In a Bible study the volunteers are doing, we learned the name of God used in Exodus: El Qanna - Jealous God. And oh how beautiful that is! Though we often see jealousy as a bad thing, with God it is so beautiful. He is fiercely protective over the covenant with His people and when sin threatens that, He takes action. This reveals a deep love that I cannot fathom. Having learned that name, I wanted to learn more names of God, and another that has really struck me is El Roi - The God who sees me. This is a name Hagar gives to God when she ran away from Abram and Sarai after being mistreated. She finds herself pregnant and in the desert, at the end of her rope. But God intervenes, He sees her in her suffering, and He provides sweet grace and relief. Mmm how good it was for me to be reminded that God SEES us in our suffering! My time at home was really rough, but to know that God sees us, knows us, desires us, is fiercely protective over us, that He doesn't leave us in the brokenness... what a reason to rejoice and be glad!!

Though my heart continues to break for things seen, things heard, things experienced, El Roi continues to be grace.

I will continue to blog...I cannot promise regularity (;

Thank you for your prayers and support. 

If you wish to write or send packages, they can be sent here:

Beautiful Gate

C/O Grace Boersema

P.O. Box 339

Ladybrand 9745

South Africa

(Packages shouldn't be valued more than five or ten dollars. They can be WORTH more than that, but don't label them as such. If they are labeled more than that, we have to pay a big fee to retrieve them from the post office...boo!)

Tomorrow!

Well, tomorrow is the day! In 24 hours, I will be at the airport ready to check in and head off to a very grand adventure, indeed.

The overall feeling is excitement, but underneath are about 72 other feelings just floatin' around and waiting to settle. This week has been kind of emotionally charged, but God has blessed me with just enough peace, just enough joy to see me through.

At a prayer night we had on Sunday, the image came to mind of faith as a big mountain hike. You start at the bottom with excitement and a feeling of courage, ready to conquer the mountain. But you quickly realize the mountain is far bigger than you thought, and the trail more rocky and difficult than you expected. As you keep climbing, you get more and more tired and question why you ever thought you could climb the mountain in the first place. BUT. Just when you think your weary legs won't ever make it all the way, God levels the ground just enough to let you recoup, He provides a trickle of a waterfall to refresh you. So you keep going, a glimpse of the end in sight. It continues to be really difficult, and it's frustrating that God didn't keep the level ground longer or take you up an easier path. But it's the path He gave nonetheless, so you keep going, hoping the end reward is worth all the struggle. And finally, out of breath and almost in tears, you see the top. A surge of energy propels you forward and oh -- the loveliest sight.

 Peaceful blue waters, endless sky, and the promise of a distant land.

I think we often believe that when you start walking with God, the ground becomes smooth and flat. Oh contraire. I think it get's harder, your weakness more evident than before. But the end...oh the sweet end. It is more glorious than staying at the bottom, so much more rewarding than quitting half way through. For at the top is peace, at the top you see where you have been and you see where God has wanted you to be all along.

So I think I'm in the middle of my climb. I have seen a glimpse of what is to come. I have felt like turning around or just sitting and crying. But my spirit is tired yet refreshed. I know that the rest of the climb may very well be more difficult than the beginning, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of our Lord, and I know my struggle is not in vain.

I'm really excited to see where God takes me, where He guides my parents. It would be foolish to say I'm not a bit nervous about the change and the challenge, but I know too that it is always worth it. Stepping forward is always worth it.

We cherish your prayers for safe travel and for smooth transitions. We pray protection over our hearts and minds as the devil quickly tells us we aren't cut out for the hike.

Until we meet again...
Grace






Wow I'm just excited to see my kiddos.

Come Further Up

Every once in awhile, an unexpected memory of my kids pricks my heart.

Sometimes it's something really funny, like the time one of the many 2 year old boys fell asleep during play group and did the biggest head bobs I have ever seen, or any of the countless times the kids fell asleep on the toilet, or when my little stinker would climb up on the table after bath time and dance like an old man in his birthday suit.

Other times it's the memories that break your heart; the look of abandonment or the fear in the eyes of new comers.

Today it is memories of their gentle, kind, and nurturing spirits. One of our little boys who has now been reunited with his family has one of the most nurturing hearts I have ever seen (though he is a huge stinker.) He loved to help sweep the front stoop with the house mothers, carry baby dolls on his back, and scootch (is that even a real word?) the younger kids close and pretend to feed them. One of my boys is just the cuddliest, and he loved to trace my face with his brown little fingers. One of my dearest memories, though, is one that I have written about before. On one of my last days, I went out to play group to soak up a little more time with the kids. My cuddly boy jumped up into my arms and squeezed tight. So tight, in fact, that I started leaking tears (; Our oldest girl at the time (now living with her mother in Sweden!!) noticed and said, "You are sad? Pephi, Ausi Grace, pephi." (pephi = sorry) and she rubbed my back with her beautiful brown eyes looking into mine. Hokey toots these kids have such a capacity for love.

It is the memories like these that makes me so incredibly excited to be back. 

In just over 2 weeks, my parents and I will be on our way!! And if you haven't read the family blog (boersemablog.blogspot.com), I will give you a little update of where we are at. 

We have sold our house
We have a house ready for us when we arrive
We have furnishings for our house
We have a car
We have a dog :)
We have funding for the first year and commitments for more than half of the second year!

Praise Jesuuuus!

So, despite maybe the weight of my previous posts (I apologize. I realize I am a little dramatic at times...but they are my feelings nonetheless) I am so happy to say that there has been so much peace, so much excitement for the coming season. 

I just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday, and I want to leave you with a few thoughts/quotes from The Last Battle.

As the children reach the land of Aslan, they continually hear him calling, "Come further up, come further in!" And I think our Lord does the same. As we enter into fellowship with him, he beckons us to get closer, get deeper, run harder towards him. That is my hope in this new year and new adventure.

And just as the children faced many trials and had much fear, I too face the future with uncertainty. However, I take peace in this truth: “But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.” 

Friends, our Savior is so kind. He is SO good. And hokey toots I can't wait to come further up and further in.